Wednesday, July 12, 2017

#ThisDidn'tActuallyHappen

A: “We tried instituting a talking stick for the daily outage meeting.”
B: “Well, that method doesn’t work for every group meeting.”
A: “Yeah, the problem was that Ops viewed it more as a ‘talking bo-staff’ or ‘talking quarter-stave’, depending whether they were watching more Asian martial arts movies or Robin-Hood-type movies recently.”
B: “So, management took the stick away.”
A: “Well, more that Ops insisted on upgrading to a ‘talking machete’, so, at that point we just went back to the standard outage meeting format of sitting at a table with groups sullenly glaring at each other.”

Friday, June 30, 2017

Sunday, April 09, 2017

from the back files: glass

From: UIM
Sent: Tuesday, April 09, 2013 9:59 AM
"You're not a glass-half-full person, really."
"I'm not even a glass-half-empty person.  The glass is chipped, and cracked, and has contaminated sea water, and someone is trying to pour it in my nose."

Sunday, March 26, 2017

Another typical home conversation.

(As UIM rises from the couch, he knocks a pillow off onto the floor.)
UIM: (singing) "F**k you, pillow; f**k yoooooou."
Frage: (from the bedroom) "What are you cursing now?"
UIM: "Everything.  I am launching imprecations at the totality of existence."
Frage: (tired) "Awesome."

Friday, March 24, 2017

People Should Not Ask UIM for Explanations.

(After UIM makes a passing mention in a work e-mail.)
Colleague: "Mutant Lobsters from Riverhead?"
UIM: "Once while bored on Chicago mass transit,I tried to imagine a cheesy horror movie set in the area where I grew up.  Riverhead is the county seat.  It was easy for me to imagine mutant lobsters (caused by the Navy testing something odd out at Calverton) rampaging up the Peconic River and leveling Riverhead, before swerving south to crush the Hamptons in their buttery oversized claws."

Thursday, March 16, 2017

Let's face it, folks, she's tired.

(UIM and Frage driving around, doing errands.)
(Frage is audibly irritated by a couple different pedestrians stepping thoughtlessly into the road in front of her.)
UIM : “You have to remember: These are simple people.”
(Frage chuckles.)
UIM: “The common clay of the new West.”
Frage: “What?”
UIM: “You know: morons.”
(Silence.)
UIM: “Look, I either answer that, or, ‘Mongo only pawn in game of life.’  Quotes from Blazing Saddles are all I’ve got right now.”
Frage: “Thank you so much.”
UIM: “I certainly don’t think I can respond with ‘I think he said the sheriff’s near’ relevantly.”

Saturday, April 02, 2016

Freeze frame

(Frage is getting slightly frustrated trying to take a picture of UIM to send to his mom.)
Frage: "I have to take 7 pictures just to get one useful one."
UIM: "Well, that's how the good photographers do it. They let the subject be natural and just take the pictures they need."
Frage: "Yes, but you being natural is this frowny scary person that frightens small children and animals."

Sunday, March 27, 2016

I don't recall the context, but she's not wrong.

UIM: "Now, sweetie, what's your default reaction?"
Frage: "Please don't use my default reaction to 99 percent of the crap that comes out of your mouth."

Wednesday, November 18, 2015

Seriously, Stephen King writes novellas about trips like that.

(On the way back home from a funeral near St. Louis.)
(After a certain point, UIM gets tired of the GPS throwing out weird detours for no discernable reason.)
(UIM unplugs the GPS from the 12v outlet.)
GPS: "Do you want to turn this unit off?"
(UIM clicks the switch to turn it off, and chucks it in the back seat.)
(An hour passes, and Frage takes an exit to get fuel and stretch our legs.)
GPS: "Recalculating."
Frage: Is it still talking to us?"
UIM: "Yes.  I believe it is cursed, and trying to kill us."
Frage: "That's a bit far-fetched."
UIM: (dry) "Yeah. I'm breaking character."

Wednesday, July 29, 2015

Heh heh heh.

UIM: "I love you."
Frage: "I love you too. We just said that. That's twice in one minute."
UIM: "Yeah, but I was 2 hours late, so I have to say it more often, so that it averages out."
Frage: "So, what: whenever I wake up, you're going to say it, just to keep your average going?"
UIM: "Well, whenever you wake up..."
(Pause.)
(UIM grins evilly.)
UIM: "...before you put on your makeup...  I say a little prayer for you."
Frage: "Get out."
(UIM leaves the room, chuckling.)
(A minute passes.)
Frage: (calling out) "Now I have Julia Roberts in my head, damn you..."

Tuesday, June 30, 2015

#ThisDidn'tActuallyHappen

A: “What’s he doing?”
B: “Apparently, attempting ritual belly-cutting via a frozen ice cream snack.”

Wednesday, February 04, 2015

#ThisDidntActuallyHappen

“He’s at his desk, holding a can of Coke Zero to his chest, rocking back and forth, and whimpering softly.”

Tuesday, February 03, 2015

#ThisDidntActuallyHappen

“He’s updating all his work tickets with the lyrics to Ozzy’s ‘Suicide Solution’, and all his document links are to the Jack Daniels website, so maybe it’s time for an intervention.”

Tuesday, January 13, 2015

work discussions: we are so metal‏

(Installing and configuring local code repository.)
Boss: “Well, we’ve gone as far as we can with these instructions, and now we’re following our own track.”
Me: “I’m sorry, but I hear that as ‘We’re rolling off the rails on a crazy train.’ “
Boss: “Somewhat true.”
(Later)
Boss: “I’m not entirely sure this will work.  So, hold my breath.”
Me: (singing) “As I wish for death.”

Thursday, December 18, 2014

Just So You Know

I will probably arrange to have bagpipers at my funeral.
However, they will only play “It’s a Long Way to the Top (If You Wanna Rock n Roll)”

Wednesday, December 17, 2014

My Poor Boss, Part 2

Boss: “We have to report what our goals for 2015 are, and before I send anything upstairs, I want to make sure that I include anything you think we need to do.  Have you any suggestions?”
UIM: “Conquer Belgium.”
(Pause).
UIM: “It’s got to be easier than convincing our vendor to change things we don’t like.”
Boss: “And have you asked the Belgians how the feel about this?”
Colleague: “Well, Belgian society has a great deal of tension between the Walloons and the Flemish, so you really wouldn’t get widespread support, anyway.”

Monday, November 24, 2014

Can't even come up with a pithy subject line for this one.‏

(A colleague walks past me really early in the shift.)
Colleague: “UIM.”
(UIM takes off his headphones.)
Colleague: “There’s some chocolate cake in the kitchen.  You can have some for breakfast.”
(Sad pause.)
UIM: “Man, I’m not actually comfortable quoting Cosby routines now.  It’s like I wasted my entire childhood listening to the same 8 albums.”

Wednesday, September 24, 2014

Status update: ... aaaand the summmer was gone, like that.

Between prepping for family visits, and dealing with the new and interesting ways my body chose to betray me, the summer went by in a snap of the fingers.

I have found that brushing the cranky older female cat makes her seem to like me a little more, although it doesn't convince her she shouldn't pick random moments through the night to start meowing at nothing.

Eh.  It was worth a shot.

Gel-Foam-ah's Witness‏

“Hello.  I wanted to talk with you about accepting the power of NERF in your life.”

Wednesday, August 06, 2014

Vrooom

So, yeah, going through certain groups of toys, and getting rid of a majority of them.

(Frage stumbles out into the living room to see UIM awash in a sea of Hot Wheels cars, Speed Wheels cars, Matchbox Cars, and larger-size die-cast.)
Frage: “It’s 10:30.  I thought you said you were going to bed early.”
UIM: “I know, but I felt the need to go through this.  Most of this is going.” 
(Pause)
UIM: “Pay no attention to the pile of Camaros on the couch.”