Conversations while Married

(Walking home after running errands with an hourly-rental van.)

Frage: "Look at that one guy, no headlights on at 9 at night!"

UIM: "I refer you back to our earlier conversation: there's a$$#0le drivers everywhere; no sense getting offended by them."

Frage: "Look: I point out dogs when I see them; I point out a$$#0les when I see them.  This is who I am."

UIM: "As long as you don't point out dog's a$$#0les, I guess I can -"

Frage: (shocked by what she thought she heard) "What about putting on tassels?"

(UIM starts cackling and gasping for air - stops and cackles very loudly, slapping his knee, for most of a minute.)

(UIM looks up at Frage, solemnly staring at him, and he cackles some more.)

UIM: "No, I said - As long as you don't point out dog's a$$#0les -"

(Frage starts cackling, as they start walking again.)

(A few minutes later, Frage and UIM pass a woman carrying a tiny dog.)

Frage: (smiling at woman) "He's so tiny and cute."

(A moment passes.)

UIM: (leaning in to Frage) "Now, please do not point out the dog's a$$#ole."

(Frage surprise laughs, then regards UIM worriedly.)

Frage: "Go on, say 'a$$#0le' a little louder. People will -"

UIM: (louder) 'A$$#0le A Little Louder."

Frage: "Seriously, in public?  People get offended by that.  This time it was an innocent woman carrying a chihuahua, but what if a gang member thought you were -"

UIM: (cop voice) "Against the wall, please, I need to search you for chihuahuas."

Frage: "What?"

UIM: "Hey, you're the one who said gang members would be carrying chihuahuas..."

Frage: "No!"

UIM: (cop voice) "We believe there's gang involvement smuggling unlicensed chihuahuas from Indiana, where chihuahua ownership is less regulated."