Married conversations: Case by case, we understand each other better

(As I load the items in the iGo car with items to put in storage...)

Frage: "Is that a guitar case?" (with the previous knowledge that we had ditched our respective guitars at various move times....)

UIM: "It's a rifle case with a Nerf sword in it."

(Long pause while UIM puts the rest of the boxes in the iGo car.)

UIM: "I understand the loop playing in your head: 'Why do I even ask him?', 'Why do I even ask him?', 'Why do I even ask him?' ..." 

Somewhere between, the truth probably lies.

 Half the time I see 'webinar' in an e-mail, I read it as 'weiner'; the other half, I read it as 'Weimar'.

Today's idiocy: Trying to Reason with Monotreme Season (One Song to the Tune of Another)

Today's burst of idiocy:

Singing the words of the Perry the Platypus theme to a couple Jimmy Buffett riffs.

The verse lyric kind of fits the "Fins" verse melody.

"He's Perry the Platypus" fits the first measure of "Cheeseburger in Paradise"'s chorus.

I forgot the phrase 'regular expression' while at work, and to figure it out...

xkcd: Perl Problems

 

Married Conversations: One Concern to the Tune of Another

(Frage sits in the recliner in the living room, watching HGTV.)
(UIM, just-showered and half-dressed, strides out with determination, picks up the letter-size notepad, grabs a pen, starts scribbling and mumbling.)

(After a minute of this...)

Frage: "Should I be worried that you're mumbling 'cut you down and destroy'?"

UIM: "It's 'one song to the tune of another'.  I realized you can sing the verses of Johnny Cash's 'God's Gonna Cut You Down' and Metallica's 'Seek and Destroy' to each other's tunes."

Frage: "Ah."

UIM: "But I understand you worry when your pants-less husband mumbles like that.  You concerns are valid."

Married Conversations: Saturday Wait (for a breakfast sandwich)

Frage: "I got you a different breakfast sandwich.  It's called The Cure."

UIM: "Is it supposed to be a hangover remedy."

Frage: "No, it's cured meats."

UIM: "I guess I'm just glad it doesn't look like Robert Smith."

Frage: "Every time I see it, I chuckle and think, 'Friday I'm in Love'."

UIM: "But today is Saturday."

Frage: "Yes."

UIM: "Are you all out of love?"

Frage: "No."

UIM: "Because that would be an Air Supply."

Married Conversations: Something Might Be Found

(After Frage comes in, and is throwing out her coffee cup.)

Frage:"So, yeah, I got myself coffee as a little treat."

UIM: "The pool was closed, so you walked the whole time?"

Frage: "No.  I swam, then walked."

UIM: " I really should just standardize it as 'How as your walk/swim?'"

Frage: "Or you could look for clues, like, my hair is wet."

UIM: "Now, listen, I am barely awake until noon, on my best days.  So, don't expect too much from me and -" (realizes) "you might not be let down and goddamnit I am quoting a Gin Blossoms song."

Knowledge I Learned from My Friends This Year

If there's something on the floor, don't stand in it. (January 2021 - It was a world of Warcraft statement, but it's really applicable everywhere.)

You'd think if you hadn't eaten all day, anything would taste good.  (January 2021)

People made of fluff should be last in the battle order.  (January 2021)

The octopus is judging you.  (February 2021)

We aggro'd the fucking world.  Why not drive off the cliff?  (February 2021)

Knob Creek immediately goes up your nose and burns your brain.  (March 2021)

Some nights, you'll need some help with a quest you shouldn't have gotten into.  (March 2021)

A really-nasty one-star review actually means you've touched the reader.  (April 2021)

Under normal circumstances, Urgent Care never tells you to come back the next day for a follow-up. (June 2021)

A case of shingles can feel like a midget trying to drive a spike through your ear for three weeks.  (August 2021)

Chickens are nasty.  That's why they are so tasty.  (October 2021)

Your child will be aghast that you know the lyrics to 'The Time Warp'.  (October 2021)

Do not hide bodies in the attic - that's the first place they look.  (December 2021)

I don't think 'Weird Al' did this in concert, but I'm also too lazy to verify that....

During my lunch break on Tuesday, I took the parts I wanted from several meal-plan meals, stuck them in a bowl to microwave them.  They key piece of this was the provolone slices I took from two of the meals, and laid on top of the other components.

All while singing the word 'Provolone' instead of 'Kodakchrome' in the Paul Simon song.

Obviously (because it's me), this grew out of control....

When I think back on all the lunch I had in high school,
It's a wonder I can eat at all.
Oh, but my lack of good nutrition never hurt me none.
I still can read a menu on the wall.

Provolone

(something some thing something)

Gives me a happy stomach.

Makes all the world a cheesy day, oh, yeah.

With my Italian sandwich

(something some thing something)

Mama, please don't take my provolone away.

If you took all the meals I had when I was drinking,

And put them in a buffet for one night,

It would never match my flavor recollection -

Everything tastes worse in sober light.

Provolone

(something some thing something)

Gives me a happy stomach.

Makes all the world a cheesy day, oh, yeah.

With my Italian sandwich

(something some thing something)

Mama, please don't take my provolone away.

With nothing to consider, they forget my name?

(Frage making her coffee in the kitchen.)
(UIM in the living room, working on data correction and singing along with 'That's Not My Name'.)
UIM: "They call me quiet / but I'm a riot / Mary Jo, Lisa / It's all the same...")
(UIM looks up as Frage walks with her coffee back to her spare-room work area.)
Frage: "I have never called you quiet..."

It's been a long plague.

 

Same situation, different emphasis.

One of the old Dumb Ideas from one of the previous iterations:
Doors covering 'Love Shack'.
B52s covering 'Roadhouse Blues'.
I know it's not as simple as 'switch major key to minor key' and 'switch minor key to major key'.

Drunk Cuisine Experiment #1

 No, you cannot force a Red Vine through a Stuffed Puffs Chocolate-on-Chocolate marshmallow as though the Red Vine were a  stick for roasting the marshmallow.

Conversations While Married

(Frage is a Shark Week enthusiast.)

(Frage also had to have a quiet day on Sunday because of a migraine.)

UIM: "Still watching Shark Week recordings?"

Frage: "Well, yeah, I am catching up from Migraine Sunday."

UIM: "Least popular holiday on the calendar."

(Pause)

UIM: "I don’t recall the vestment colors, but instead of flagellating your back, you have to smack yourself in the face."

Frage: "Wait, with a fish?"

UIM: "No, Fish-Slapping Dance is a Monty Python gag.  So that would be Church of England."

Some Say Waffles, They are a Razor....

Last Saturday, Frage and I were eating breakfast in an hourly-rental car before grocery shopping.

Frage misheard the word 'love' as 'waffles'.

(My fault for talking while eating.)

So of course, the Lyric Word Replacement gag came out of mothballs.

In this case, replace the word 'love' in a lyric with 'waffles'.

As examples: The Beatles are now singing "Can't Buy Me Waffles"; and Tina Turner is now asking "What's Waffles Got to Do with It?"

(Yes, it blows the scansion to hell, but I decided to run with it anyway)

So, the top 11 that I thought up today....

11."Crazy in Waffles" - Beyonce

10."Sunshine of Your Waffles" - Cream

9. "You Give Waffles a Bad Name" - Bon Jovi

8. "And in the end, the waffles you take/ Are equal to the waffles you make." - The Beatles, "The End"

7. "Shake Your Waffles" - Debbie Gibson

6. "Making Waffles Out of Nothing at All" - Air Supply

5. "You pull the trigger on my/ Waffle Gun." - Kiss

4. "The Greatest Waffle of All" - Whitney Houston

3. "How Deep is Your Waffle" - Bee Gees

2. "Tainted Waffles" originally recorded by Gloria Jones in 1964, covered in the 1981 by Soft Cell.

1. "Some people call me the Space Cowboy./ Some call me the Gangster of Waffles." - Steve Miller, "The Joker".

Conversations while Married

(Walking home after running errands with an hourly-rental van.)

Frage: "Look at that one guy, no headlights on at 9 at night!"

UIM: "I refer you back to our earlier conversation: there's a$$#0le drivers everywhere; no sense getting offended by them."

Frage: "Look: I point out dogs when I see them; I point out a$$#0les when I see them.  This is who I am."

UIM: "As long as you don't point out dog's a$$#0les, I guess I can -"

Frage: (shocked by what she thought she heard) "What about putting on tassels?"

(UIM starts cackling and gasping for air - stops and cackles very loudly, slapping his knee, for most of a minute.)

(UIM looks up at Frage, solemnly staring at him, and he cackles some more.)

UIM: "No, I said - As long as you don't point out dog's a$$#0les -"

(Frage starts cackling, as they start walking again.)

(A few minutes later, Frage and UIM pass a woman carrying a tiny dog.)

Frage: (smiling at woman) "He's so tiny and cute."

(A moment passes.)

UIM: (leaning in to Frage) "Now, please do not point out the dog's a$$#ole."

(Frage surprise laughs, then regards UIM worriedly.)

Frage: "Go on, say 'a$$#0le' a little louder. People will -"

UIM: (louder) 'A$$#0le A Little Louder."

Frage: "Seriously, in public?  People get offended by that.  This time it was an innocent woman carrying a chihuahua, but what if a gang member thought you were -"

UIM: (cop voice) "Against the wall, please, I need to search you for chihuahuas."

Frage: "What?"

UIM: "Hey, you're the one who said gang members would be carrying chihuahuas..."

Frage: "No!"

UIM: (cop voice) "We believe there's gang involvement smuggling unlicensed chihuahuas from Indiana, where chihuahua ownership is less regulated."

I wish I had thought of this line 20 years ago.

You can test any case you want
At analysis restaurant.

from the back files: data gnomes

An e-mail chain from Oct 2009.

UIM: Well, the morning full symbol database load should be happening soon, so maybe some magic will happen, and the suspiciously-merry data gnomes will carry the symbol into the editing interface.

Developer: Didn't anyone tell you? The IBDG Local 334 is on strike. We've been trying to hire scabs, but the gnomes hired bridge trolls to keep anyone from breaking the picket line.

UIM: I had wondered why a wav file of “Joe Hill” launched when I opened the editing interface this morning.  Apparently, we never loaded the reagan32.dll to prevent this sort of thing.

from the back files: sharing one's emotions at work.

From: UIM
Sent: Monday, October 26, 2009 3:06 PM
Subject: sharing one's emotions at work.
"If only we can modulate the waves of depression that UIM emanates, so that we can encode information.  Expect to be used as an inbound NIC when the devs are ready to test the TCP/BLAH protocol. "


(Current note: writing it today, I might name it the TCP/BPD protocol.)

When that doctor asked me, 'Son, how'd you get in this condition?'

Last summer, while at a cousin's wedding weekend, I was talking with my brother, Shell, and quoted myself, "I accept that we come from the 'hold my beer and watch this' demographic."
Shell: "F**k that, I'll do it one-handed. I'm not letting anyone touch my beer."
UIM: "Hm.  Yeah.  That is more accurate to our family traditions."