Married Conversations: One Concern to the Tune of Another

(Frage sits in the recliner in the living room, watching HGTV.)
(UIM, just-showered and half-dressed, strides out with determination, picks up the letter-size notepad, grabs a pen, starts scribbling and mumbling.)

(After a minute of this...)

Frage: "Should I be worried that you're mumbling 'cut you down and destroy'?"

UIM: "It's 'one song to the tune of another'.  I realized you can sing the verses of Johnny Cash's 'God's Gonna Cut You Down' and Metallica's 'Seek and Destroy' to each other's tunes."

Frage: "Ah."

UIM: "But I understand you worry when your pants-less husband mumbles like that.  You concerns are valid."

Married Conversations: Saturday Wait (for a breakfast sandwich)

Frage: "I got you a different breakfast sandwich.  It's called The Cure."

UIM: "Is it supposed to be a hangover remedy."

Frage: "No, it's cured meats."

UIM: "I guess I'm just glad it doesn't look like Robert Smith."

Frage: "Every time I see it, I chuckle and think, 'Friday I'm in Love'."

UIM: "But today is Saturday."

Frage: "Yes."

UIM: "Are you all out of love?"

Frage: "No."

UIM: "Because that would be an Air Supply."

Married Conversations: Something Might Be Found

(After Frage comes in, and is throwing out her coffee cup.)

Frage:"So, yeah, I got myself coffee as a little treat."

UIM: "The pool was closed, so you walked the whole time?"

Frage: "No.  I swam, then walked."

UIM: " I really should just standardize it as 'How as your walk/swim?'"

Frage: "Or you could look for clues, like, my hair is wet."

UIM: "Now, listen, I am barely awake until noon, on my best days.  So, don't expect too much from me and -" (realizes) "you might not be let down and goddamnit I am quoting a Gin Blossoms song."

Knowledge I Learned from My Friends This Year

If there's something on the floor, don't stand in it. (January 2021 - It was a world of Warcraft statement, but it's really applicable everywhere.)

You'd think if you hadn't eaten all day, anything would taste good.  (January 2021)

People made of fluff should be last in the battle order.  (January 2021)

The octopus is judging you.  (February 2021)

We aggro'd the fucking world.  Why not drive off the cliff?  (February 2021)

Knob Creek immediately goes up your nose and burns your brain.  (March 2021)

Some nights, you'll need some help with a quest you shouldn't have gotten into.  (March 2021)

A really-nasty one-star review actually means you've touched the reader.  (April 2021)

Under normal circumstances, Urgent Care never tells you to come back the next day for a follow-up. (June 2021)

A case of shingles can feel like a midget trying to drive a spike through your ear for three weeks.  (August 2021)

Chickens are nasty.  That's why they are so tasty.  (October 2021)

Your child will be aghast that you know the lyrics to 'The Time Warp'.  (October 2021)

Do not hide bodies in the attic - that's the first place they look.  (December 2021)

I don't think 'Weird Al' did this in concert, but I'm also too lazy to verify that....

During my lunch break on Tuesday, I took the parts I wanted from several meal-plan meals, stuck them in a bowl to microwave them.  They key piece of this was the provolone slices I took from two of the meals, and laid on top of the other components.

All while singing the word 'Provolone' instead of 'Kodakchrome' in the Paul Simon song.

Obviously (because it's me), this grew out of control....

When I think back on all the lunch I had in high school,
It's a wonder I can eat at all.
Oh, but my lack of good nutrition never hurt me none.
I still can read a menu on the wall.

Provolone

(something some thing something)

Gives me a happy stomach.

Makes all the world a cheesy day, oh, yeah.

With my Italian sandwich

(something some thing something)

Mama, please don't take my provolone away.

If you took all the meals I had when I was drinking,

And put them in a buffet for one night,

It would never match my flavor recollection -

Everything tastes worse in sober light.

Provolone

(something some thing something)

Gives me a happy stomach.

Makes all the world a cheesy day, oh, yeah.

With my Italian sandwich

(something some thing something)

Mama, please don't take my provolone away.

Some Say Waffles, They are a Razor....

Last Saturday, Frage and I were eating breakfast in an hourly-rental car before grocery shopping.

Frage misheard the word 'love' as 'waffles'.

(My fault for talking while eating.)

So of course, the Lyric Word Replacement gag came out of mothballs.

In this case, replace the word 'love' in a lyric with 'waffles'.

As examples: The Beatles are now singing "Can't Buy Me Waffles"; and Tina Turner is now asking "What's Waffles Got to Do with It?"

(Yes, it blows the scansion to hell, but I decided to run with it anyway)

So, the top 11 that I thought up today....

11."Crazy in Waffles" - Beyonce

10."Sunshine of Your Waffles" - Cream

9. "You Give Waffles a Bad Name" - Bon Jovi

8. "And in the end, the waffles you take/ Are equal to the waffles you make." - The Beatles, "The End"

7. "Shake Your Waffles" - Debbie Gibson

6. "Making Waffles Out of Nothing at All" - Air Supply

5. "You pull the trigger on my/ Waffle Gun." - Kiss

4. "The Greatest Waffle of All" - Whitney Houston

3. "How Deep is Your Waffle" - Bee Gees

2. "Tainted Waffles" originally recorded by Gloria Jones in 1964, covered in the 1981 by Soft Cell.

1. "Some people call me the Space Cowboy./ Some call me the Gangster of Waffles." - Steve Miller, "The Joker".