Items I am too lazy to properly make false citations for;

 "And the prophet Julius responded to the pharaoh's nurse, 'If I were able to proceed in such a manner, I should not require the talcum powder."

#RepressedAnger, a la RHCP

 "I chug a little pepto and I belch a little bile..."

#RepressedAnger, a la Bing Crosby

(tune: "Dear Old Donegal")

"They always seem to miss the point of evidence I give.

Their obstinance in ignorance erodes my will to live."

His final papal bull: "Semper clara latus vitae"

(As texted to too many of my friends and relatives earlier today...)

So, justto get all the obvious crass jokes out of the way, and to make sure I don't accidentally send them to Mom:

a) "BRING OUT YOUR POPE!"

b) "Mum, there's a dead pontiff on the landing!"

c) "If you hadn't nailed him to the balcony, he'd be pushing up the daisies!"

d) Conclave 2: Weekend at St. Peter's

e) Given the timing, do we have to wait three days to make sure?

f) Since Jorge was a nightclub bouncer in his youth, does this mean St. Peter finally gets a vacation?

g) Did he have the salmon mousse?

h) Vance/Truss Tour: Offing Decrepit Monarchs.

("And now he works for Jesus as the bouncer at St. Peter's gate....")

#RepressedAnger

 "It's been a clown-car day.  Every time I think the car's empty, another clown bursts out and slams a pie in my face."

#EnthusiasticNonsense: Cry 'waugh' and let slip the drakes of war!

A business breeding waterfowl large enough to rid into battle: Ducks Bellorum

#ThisDidn'tActuallyHappen: Married conversations.

Frage: "You have friends you have known for 40+ years, and who still talk to you."

UIM: "Specifically and exactly because they have not had to deal with my bull$#!+ on a day-to-day basis since the Reagan administration."

Married Conversations: You'll Have to Answer to Your Own

UIM: "Sorry for stressing you out."

Frage: (deadpan blatant lie) "You don't stress me out.  My shoulders like to live up here by my ears."

Sentence I Never Worked into Enough Discussions

https://www.tumblr.com/quietanddistantandremorseful/757175595899764736/sentence-i-never-worked-into-enough-discussions

"I think you mean, 'Motown recording artist, Bruce Willis.' "

Organizations I Would Found If I Weren't So Lazy

 General Roll of Unhappy Curmudgeon Hermits

Things I Have Been Muttering For at Least 15 Years

 "That's right, Inanimate Object,  That's exactly what I need you to do right at this moment.:

Married Conversations: Go running for the shelter

Frage: "I did ask my doc to call in a scrip for Flonase, but I never heard back from them.  CVS just texted me I have a filled scrip.  I hope it's the Flonase."

UIM: "It would be weird if it was for something you never had filled before.  'We see you're married to UIM.  Would you like some Valium?' "

Frage: "Yes.  I'm going to sneak it into his food."

UIM: (mimicking mouth full) "This pizza tastes funny"

Frage: (narrator voice) "Which did not stop him from having 5 more slices."

UIM: (commercial voice, mimics holding up a product) "It's the Xanax crust!"  (wide fake smile)

Married Conversations: Don't ask questions you don't want answers to.

UIM: "Yeees?  Something funny, Miss Giggles?"

Frage: "Everything about you, baby."

Just a turkey boy, born and raised in south Detroit

Lyric Word Replacement - Replace 'City' with 'Turkey'

(Frage: "I got startled by something screaming outside, and when I checked, it was the feral turkeys."

UIM: "Pretty sure 'I hear the turkey screaming' is a Concrete Blonde lyric.")

Turkey Screaming - Concrete Blonde

Turkeys on Flame with Rock and Roll - Blue Oyster Cult

Suffragette Turkey - David Bowie

Detroit Rock Turkey - KISS

Paradise Turkey - Guns `n' Roses

We Built This Turkey - Jefferson Starship

Fool for the Turkey - Foghat

Hot Child in the Turkey - Nick Gilder

Jet Turkey Woman - Queensryche

Broken Turkey - Audioslave

Big Turkey Nights - Scorpions

Summer in the Turkey - Lovin' Spoonful

"Left a good job in the turkey..." - Creedence Clearwater Revival

"I hit the turkey bout 1 AM, loaded, loaded..." - Judas Priest

Trials of Memes Based on My Own Quotes

I'm not sure which of these meme images best carry forward the idea, but if you have an opinion, let me know:

#RepressedAnger

 "You're living on your own private data farm.

Where do I go from here to a better feed than this?"

Married conversations: Case by case, we understand each other better

(As I load the items in the iGo car with items to put in storage...)

Frage: "Is that a guitar case?" (with the previous knowledge that we had ditched our respective guitars at various move times....)

UIM: "It's a rifle case with a Nerf sword in it."

(Long pause while UIM puts the rest of the boxes in the iGo car.)

UIM: "I understand the loop playing in your head: 'Why do I even ask him?', 'Why do I even ask him?', 'Why do I even ask him?' ..." 

I will always be too lazy to make this my epitaph...

 He has gone where

short-sighted management

and over-confident developers

may lacerate his heart no more.

He served maintainable systems.

Traveler, imitate him if you dare.

Fundraiser for an old work colleague.

 https://gofund.me/3f5b3a52

Something better than a stare....