The Six Words Frage Has Come to Dread

When I moved in with my then-girlfriend-now-spouse, one of the communication compromises we needed was a balance between my "I just thought of/read/saw this thing I must share right now" with her "Sudden noise/movement/conversation startles the hell out me".

Apparently, a 6-foot 215-lb man bounding into the room at top speed cackling about ... oh, let's say a posting on Fark.. is really really stressful to a 5'2" woman who has been living quietly with her cats for most of the previous decade.

Eventually, I understood that 'so startled she can't appreciate whatever I'm trying to say' was not a rejection of love.  (Had I learned that earlier in life, I'd have been a lot more pleasant to be around.)

And so, we developed the Six Words That Frage Dreads:

"I feel the need to share."  

Usually, the scene will be thus:

(Frage and UIM laying in bed.)

(Frage is playing game on her phone, half-listening to either an audiobook or whatever is on Hallmark Mystery Channel.)

(UIM is obsessively scrolling through YouTube or through the same six text web sites he always reads on his Kindle .)

(UIM laughs at something.)

(Pause.)

(UIM takes out his earbuds.)

(UIM takes a breath.)

(Frage holds her breath, hoping against hope.)

UIM: "When you reach a stopping point."

Frage: (weary) "yes?"

UIM: "I feel the need to share."

Conversations While Married

Frage: "I may have missed it while I was ranting."

UIM: (fake-innocent) "But you never rant."

Frage: "Yes, yes."

UIM: (fake-innocent) "My wife is sweet and demure and obedient, and never has an unkind word to say about anyone."

Frage: "You really ought start wearing a cup if you insist on talking $#!+ like this."

UIM: (too busy cackling to respond.)

Frage: "I may only have one good knee left, but I'm pretty sure I can knee you with it."

UIM: (still cackling)

Frage: "Obedient, my @$$..."

Workplace environmental variables

For whatever reason, during a discussion with the team's project manager:

Project Manager: "Just don't do the Time Warp dance."
UIM: "But, {name}, it's just a jump to the left."

Within a minute, he IMs me the lyrics.

Prompting my response via IM:
"Yeah, I know the lyrics.  Strangely enough, I was not going to utter the phrase 'pelvic thrust' at work until I was forced to do so by circumstances outside my control."

from the back files: unworkable ideas

From: UIM
Sent: Thursday, June 20, 2013 7:30 AM
Subject: My unworkable ideas: latest in a series
After I spent last night tuning out the hour-plus multi-person argument on Kenmore Avenue, I realized this morning that I want to launch a public service campaign about walking away from arguments.
I want to call this campaign: “Civility: Is it really so f**king difficult?”

-UIM
My likeness and reputation should never be used for this project, of course.