Maternal Wisdom

"A lot of times, couples need their own paperwork." - Mom, explaining why there's two copies of this visit's itinerary in the bag of snacks she handed us as soon as we got out of the car.

Nerf and Theft

(During a Zoom meeting.)
Meeting co-ordinator "Hey, UIM, is that a Nerf gun behind you?"
(UIM unmutes, nods, grabs the Nerf gun, and holds it closer to the screen.)
UIM: "Yeah.  Doesn't work.  Five bucks in a thrift shop."
Developer: "I saw the orange bit and thought it was a traffic cone."
UIM: "No, in my family, we steal those.  We don't pay five bucks for them in a thrift shop."
------
Some of the responses when I texted this to family members:
My brother, Shell: "Stop revealing family secrets."
My other brother, Stringer: "I have two of them in my shed."  (He did not clarify whether he meant cones or Nerf guns.)
My cousin, `Backer: "Of course we don't- we already paid for them with gas taxes."

Heirloom Siege Engines

 Quiet and Distant and Remorseful — thestuffedalligator: thestuffedalligator: ... (tumblr.com)

In my young adulthood, my mom heavily collected spinning wheels.  

I am now mentally constructing an AU for my own life where her membership on the high school rifle team took a sharp turn into collecting scaled-down siege engines, and in her 50′s she forms a LARPing group named The 516th Battle Nurses Regiment. 

Motto: “We can heal your wounds.  We can cause your wounds.  Your choice.”

I got your oak wisdom right here, buddy.

My brother Shell called me for my birthday.

During the call, I threw out a new Dad-riff idea:  "Dad as a Druid."

He ran with it immediately.

"Oh, sure, the holly berry is sacred - because it's growing on my trees, you damn moochers."

"Goddamn squirrel chewing the thatch of my hut. I cast spells, it does nothing.  Damn squirrel won't listen."

"I shoulda listened to my father and joined the warrior class."

I contributed:

"The goddamn sacred pool is full of goddamn flies, because the goddamn birds aren't doing their job."

Later in the day, when my brother Stringer called, and I updated him on these gags, he responded, "Well, now I have my next character for D&D."

Conversations While Married

Frage: "I may have missed it while I was ranting."

UIM: (fake-innocent) "But you never rant."

Frage: "Yes, yes."

UIM: (fake-innocent) "My wife is sweet and demure and obedient, and never has an unkind word to say about anyone."

Frage: "You really ought start wearing a cup if you insist on talking $#!+ like this."

UIM: (too busy cackling to respond.)

Frage: "I may only have one good knee left, but I'm pretty sure I can knee you with it."

UIM: (still cackling)

Frage: "Obedient, my @$$..."

When that doctor asked me, 'Son, how'd you get in this condition?'

Last summer, while at a cousin's wedding weekend, I was talking with my brother, Shell, and quoted myself, "I accept that we come from the 'hold my beer and watch this' demographic."
Shell: "F**k that, I'll do it one-handed. I'm not letting anyone touch my beer."
UIM: "Hm.  Yeah.  That is more accurate to our family traditions."