#ThisDidn'tActuallyHappen: Married conversations.

Frage: "You have friends you have known for 40+ years, and who still talk to you."

UIM: "Specifically and exactly because they have not had to deal with my bull$#!+ on a day-to-day basis since the Reagan administration."

#Repressed Anger #ThisDidn'tActuallyHappen

Today's bad idea: answering all work questions with Duran Duran lyrics.
This was triggered by the lyric "I'm on a ride and I want to get off / But they won't slow down the roundabout."

If I knew more people in the office, they might ask why I was there, and I'd claim "Watching over Lucky clover.  Isn't that bizarre?"

But, my team shifted office space during the plague, so no one there would know me well enough to shrug it off with "Who really gives a damn about a flaky bandit?"

Heirloom Siege Engines

 Quiet and Distant and Remorseful — thestuffedalligator: thestuffedalligator: ... (tumblr.com)

In my young adulthood, my mom heavily collected spinning wheels.  

I am now mentally constructing an AU for my own life where her membership on the high school rifle team took a sharp turn into collecting scaled-down siege engines, and in her 50′s she forms a LARPing group named The 516th Battle Nurses Regiment. 

Motto: “We can heal your wounds.  We can cause your wounds.  Your choice.”

Repressed Anger - Long Distance Banking Edition.

"Wow, I can actually feel my Dad's  spirit rising out of me now -"
(Switches to Aggrieved Dad voice)
"I don't know why I gotta ask the same question five times to get one answer.  I don't know why I gotta ask the same question ten times to get an ACCURATE answer.  But if THAT'S the way you want to run this clown car, all right."
(Back to normal voice.)
"Of course, that was not an accurate Dad quote.  There was nowhere near enough profanity.  F-bombs would have been falling like spring raindrops."

from the back files: sharing one's emotions at work.

From: UIM
Sent: Monday, October 26, 2009 3:06 PM
Subject: sharing one's emotions at work.
"If only we can modulate the waves of depression that UIM emanates, so that we can encode information.  Expect to be used as an inbound NIC when the devs are ready to test the TCP/BLAH protocol. "


(Current note: writing it today, I might name it the TCP/BPD protocol.)

#ThisDidn'tActuallyHappen

A: “We tried instituting a talking stick for the daily outage meeting.”
B: “Well, that method doesn’t work for every group meeting.”
A: “Yeah, the problem was that Ops viewed it more as a ‘talking bo-staff’ or ‘talking quarter-stave’, depending whether they were watching more Asian martial arts movies or Robin-Hood-type movies recently.”
B: “So, management took the stick away.”
A: “Well, more that Ops insisted on upgrading to a ‘talking machete’, so, at that point we just went back to the standard outage meeting format of sitting at a table with groups sullenly glaring at each other.”

#RepressedAnger

"Are there any other similar enhancements to the datafeed which you've been planning, such as catapults full of pigeon guano aimed at our homes?"

from the back files: glass

From: UIM
Sent: Tuesday, April 09, 2013 9:59 AM
"You're not a glass-half-full person, really."
"I'm not even a glass-half-empty person.  The glass is chipped, and cracked, and has contaminated sea water, and someone is trying to pour it in my nose."

#ThisDidn'tActuallyHappen

A: “What’s he doing?”
B: “Apparently, attempting ritual belly-cutting via a frozen ice cream snack.”

#ThisDidntActuallyHappen

“He’s at his desk, holding a can of Coke Zero to his chest, rocking back and forth, and whimpering softly.”

#ThisDidntActuallyHappen

“He’s updating all his work tickets with the lyrics to Ozzy’s ‘Suicide Solution’, and all his document links are to the Jack Daniels website, so maybe it’s time for an intervention.”

#ThisDidntActuallyHappen

"I'll quote my dad's Ballsac Droop rule - the more time you spend hanging around an a$$#0le, the more likely folks will have to tell you that you stink."

#ThisDidntActuallyHappen,

"He has openly declared that all lottery winnings will be spent in dimly-lit neon-accented rooms with flimsily-dressed bottle blondes."

#ThisDidntActuallyHappen

"He's no longer allowed to utter the words 'groove', 'funk', 'thang', 'bling', 'booty', 'mojo', 'boo-ya', or 'sesquipedalian'.  We are allowed to enforce this ban with fair-to-middling prejudice "

#ThisDidntActuallyHappen

"NO!  DON'T ASK!  He'll bring back the Amish Transformers jokes!  I don't want to hear about ObadiahPrime and the Plainbots ANY MORE!"

#ThisDidntActuallyHappen

"According to the affadavits, they had a separate area filled with comics and action figures, which they referred to as the 'von Doom Room'. "

#ThisDidn'tActuallyHapppen

From: UIM

Sent: Friday, August 30, 2013 9:59 AM

Subject: this didn't actually happen

"So, do you guys have a swear jar down her?'

"We did. UIM got tired of turning over his paycheck, so he just started saying , 'fuzzbucket', and we couldn't afford beer any more."

"That sucks."

"So then we fined him for 'fuzzbucket's, but he threw us a 20 and then changed to shooting us with foam darts every time he wanted to curse."

"I'm... not sure what to say about that."

"We decided not to fine him for anything, since we don't want to know what he'd escalate to if we fined him for foam darts."