If I weren't so lazy and disorganized, I'd have one of these e-mail addresses by now.

hermit_curmudgeon@luddite.org

someone@who.cares.com

blatant_contradiction@anarchy.org

I've been waiting years to work this one into a conversation.

"Awww, maaan.  Just because a guy wears dark clothes... and cackles evil-ly... and daydreams about his enemies' heads on pikes surrounding his castle in the Carpathians.... doesn't mean he's a bad person."

The acronym YOLO is overdone - here are some other acronyms folks could find helpful.

Words of Consolation:

AGWABOMO - Above Ground Walking and Breathing On My Own.  Use when you are not that enthused about your life, but honestly grateful that your life is not worse.

TANJ - There Ain't No Justice.  (from the novel Ringworld, by Larry Niven)


Words of Flippancy:

OLAST - Ooooh, Look, a Shiny Thing.

DABSITW (dab'-sit-oo) - Does a Bear S#!+ in the Woods?

HWANEU - Here We Are Now, Entertain Us.  (from the song "Smells Like Teen Spirit" by Nirvana)

EMWIKTS - Excuse Me, While I Kiss the Sky.  (from the song "Purple Haze" sung by Jimi Hendrix)


Words of Principle:

KYBO - Keep Your Bigotry Outside.


Words of Rebellion or Frolic:

IANAGU - I Am Not a Grown-Up.

TWEMMARA - They Won't Ever Make Me a Responsible Adult.

CHIASA - Cleverly Hiding Inside a Supposed Adult.

LOFAKOMF (loaf' - a - komf) - Looking Out For All Kinds of Messy Fun.

WYWBIGI - (woo' - big - ee) - What You Want, Baby, I Got It.  (from the song "Respect", sung by Otis Redding, covered by Aretha Franklin)


Words of Caution or Advice:

INJOT - It's Never Just One Thing.  Use it with people who think their current problems are traceable to a single point of evil.

EYMIFAHB (aim' - i -fahb) - Everyone You Meet is Fighting a Hard Battle.  (variantly worded and often misattributed to various ancient sources.  Apparently, from a late 1800s Scots author/theologian, Rev. John  Watson, who published fiction under the name Ian Maclaren)

NAWBATSFOY - Never Any Warning Before All the S#!+ Falls on You.  Honestly, if I were raising a child, I would stencil this on the child's bedroom wall.  You can't start paranoia early enough.

AHSETGSIV (a - set' - ge - siv) - Against Human Stupidity, Even the Gods Strive In Vain. (riffing off a often-quoted line by Friedrich Schiller in his play "Die Jungfrau von Orleans")   I would stencil this on another wall of the child's bedroom.

YAMCAJ - You Always Must Change at Jamaica.    If you have ever taken the Long Island Rail Road to or from Manhattan, you understand the concept of a choke-point in its clearest form.


Words of Anger or Judgment:

AHPHIHAS (ah - fee' - has) - Another Half-Planned, Half-Implemented, Half-Assed Solution.

CHOTTOW - Crucify Him On the Tree Of Woe.  (from the first filmed version of Conan the Barbarian)  "This person has caused me deep pain, and I wish I could return it five-fold back."

INATMABB - I Need a Time Machine and Baseball Bat.  "If only I had known these things back when I could have prevented our current misery."

ITWHOFICPU (it' - who - fic -poo) - If the World Had One Face, I Could Punch It.  (riffing off of a cruel comment attributed to the Roman emperor Caligula)

SDTRBOL (z - dir' - ball) - Sliding Down the Razor Blade of Life.  (from the song "Bright College Days" by Tom Lehrer)

TSIFU (t -sif' -u) - That S#!+ is F^cked Up.

#FictionalConversations

A: "Seriously - E. B. White would blast you with a shotgun."
B: "Just don't let James Thurber aim a bow-and-arrow at me."

from the back files: definitions

From: UIM
Sent: Tuesday, February 19, 2013 10:11 AM
Subject: {REDACTED}

This conversation falls afoul of the two differing uses of the word 'support' in this company.
Dev definition of 'support': "If the data source sends the right values, we will create the symbol."

User definition of 'support': "Can I trade it right now this minute and second?"

-UIM

{My cubicle mate} and I just spent six minutes talking about these differing meanings, which then devolved into a discussion of 100-sided dice and gaming groups in general.

From an early-morning work e-mail chain where naive colleagues asked me questions.

Person a: "For example the /ESZ2.  Is there a symbol code that reflects the extended session stop time for this product?"

Me: “You cannot get much further extended than the current session length of 23 hours and 45 minutes, on the /ES contract from CME.  You’d need a Time Lord and a TARDIS.  So, the /ES would be a bad example of different sessions, because it only has one.  It is the Highlander of futures contracts.”

Person b: “Did you just assume that since {person a} is English he would get a TARDIS reference?  Just curious.”

Me: “No.  I always assume my audience will not get my reference, no matter what reference I am making.”