During a conversation:
Frage: "You're missing the point, yet again."
UIM : "I prefer to think of it as, avoiding the point, with the skill of a matador."
Showing posts with label Back-Dated-post. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Back-Dated-post. Show all posts
Saturday, September 09, 2017
Tuesday, December 10, 2013
from the back files: A sentence I have spoken today.
From: UIM
Sent: Tuesday, December 10, 2013 11:05 AM
Subject: A sentence I have spoken today.
"Well, my mom used to say, 'You sit up nights thinking of ways to drive me crazy.' It never made her feel better to hear that it was all natural improv talent."
-UIM.
Sent: Tuesday, December 10, 2013 11:05 AM
Subject: A sentence I have spoken today.
"Well, my mom used to say, 'You sit up nights thinking of ways to drive me crazy.' It never made her feel better to hear that it was all natural improv talent."
-UIM.
Monday, November 11, 2013
from the back files: Obligatory personal note on an e-mail discussion about gun control.
From: UIM
Sent: Monday, November 11, 2013 12:52 PM
ObligatoryPersonalNote: Somewhere around age 14 I realized I should not pursue my desires to become a police detective, as I realized that people with my crappy temper should not carry firearms....
Thursday, October 17, 2013
Tear the roof off the sucker.
17 Oct 2013
(Frage and UIM are walking down the street.)
Frage: "Weee got the funk."
Frage and UIM: "Gotta have that funk. Weeee need the funk. Gotta get that funk."
UIM: "Got a real kind of thing going down getting down, there's a whole lot of rhythm goin round."
Frage: "See, lyrics are your shiny object. I just have to say one line and it distracts you."
UIM: "Yes, but it's sort of entrapment, because you get annoyed when I continue."
Frage: "Well, I'd like you to finish sooner. Me, one line, and I'm done."
UIM: "It happens a lot as we get older."
Frage: "Let's stop calling me old, okay?"
UIM: "We're both old. We're just two years away from telling kids to put down their Nintendos and get off our lawns."
Frage: "We've always been like that. That's not age; it's a personality crack."
UIM: "Which is better than a crack personality."
(Frage and UIM are walking down the street.)
Frage: "Weee got the funk."
Frage and UIM: "Gotta have that funk. Weeee need the funk. Gotta get that funk."
UIM: "Got a real kind of thing going down getting down, there's a whole lot of rhythm goin round."
Frage: "See, lyrics are your shiny object. I just have to say one line and it distracts you."
UIM: "Yes, but it's sort of entrapment, because you get annoyed when I continue."
Frage: "Well, I'd like you to finish sooner. Me, one line, and I'm done."
UIM: "It happens a lot as we get older."
Frage: "Let's stop calling me old, okay?"
UIM: "We're both old. We're just two years away from telling kids to put down their Nintendos and get off our lawns."
Frage: "We've always been like that. That's not age; it's a personality crack."
UIM: "Which is better than a crack personality."
Wednesday, August 28, 2013
from the back files: I know I am a horrible misanthrope.
From: UIM
Sent: Wednesday, August 28, 2013 10:29 AM
Subject: I know I am a horrible misanthrope.
My subconscious finally answered the question, "If I had to throw a Thirsty Thursday, what theme would I actually be happy with, given that I don't want to talk to large swaths of this company?"
The answer was a "Bacon and Inebriation Meditation" theme. The beer and bacon theme we just had, plus, no one is allowed to talk. Everybody just sits down quietly and drinks their booze and eats their bacon.
Sent: Wednesday, August 28, 2013 10:29 AM
Subject: I know I am a horrible misanthrope.
My subconscious finally answered the question, "If I had to throw a Thirsty Thursday, what theme would I actually be happy with, given that I don't want to talk to large swaths of this company?"
The answer was a "Bacon and Inebriation Meditation" theme. The beer and bacon theme we just had, plus, no one is allowed to talk. Everybody just sits down quietly and drinks their booze and eats their bacon.
Friday, August 16, 2013
how your friends remember you
(From an e-mail exchange after I got in touch with Tempest again.)
Tempest: "Is it bad that when I hear that Icona Pop song I think of you? 'I crashed my car into a bridge... I don't care...' "
UIM: "It occurred to me that at least one of my friends would. However, I have to point out that Nightskye crashed his car into a bridge first."
Tempest: "Is it bad that when I hear that Icona Pop song I think of you? 'I crashed my car into a bridge... I don't care...' "
UIM: "It occurred to me that at least one of my friends would. However, I have to point out that Nightskye crashed his car into a bridge first."
Friday, August 02, 2013
from the back files: And, exit, stage - thump
From: UIM
Sent: Friday, August 02, 2013 4:43 PM
Subject: And, exit, stage - thump
(UIM reaches the elevators, where HappyScrappyPup already stands, with others.)
HappyScrappyPup: " Hey, UIM."
UIM: "Hello."
HappyScrappyPup: "So, you have fixed all our RIC-mapping problems?"
(Pause.)
UIM: "Y'know, despite my reputation, it is pretty rare for my first thought to be, 'I should kick this person in the crotch.' -"
(General laughter.)
UIM: "- and now you have brought me to a new low. Thanks."
Tuesday, July 23, 2013
from the back files: things a friend of mine will probably hear at his flight lesson
A friend at work mentioned to me that he got a groupon-style deal on a flight lesson at a regional airport near him.
Obviously, I worried about that. And had to write a top ten list
So, from the Home Office near the TRACON station on Touhy Ave just east of Wolf Road -
The Top 10 List of Things {REDACTED} Will Hear at his Flight Lesson:
1) “Please remove the red-sun hachimaki, sir.”
2) “No, we don’t sell any certified-pre-owned Apache helicopters.”
3) “Nobody uses Navy Pier for carrier landing practice any more. Please stop asking.”
4) “No, we DON’T have an inter-museum loan system with NAS Glenview.”
5) “Even when you bring your own, we do not mount AAMs on the trainer.”
6) “I don’t care if it is Stacey Dash, you cannot paint her on the nose of our plane.”
7) “Please stop referring to the other students as ‘missile shields’ .”
8) “If you yell, ‘RAMMING SPEED.’ once more, you flunk.”
9) “THAT is NOT aviation equipment.”
10) “No, you are not required to maneuver straight down any trench, and there is no two-meter-wide target area at all."
One of my other colleagues then provided two more, which i wish I had thought up:
11) “No, it will not be like shooting womp rats in your T-16 back home.”
12) “You don’t go into warp drive by randomly pounding the instrument panel! Also, we don’t ‘warp drive’.”
Obviously, I worried about that. And had to write a top ten list
So, from the Home Office near the TRACON station on Touhy Ave just east of Wolf Road -
The Top 10 List of Things {REDACTED} Will Hear at his Flight Lesson:
1) “Please remove the red-sun hachimaki, sir.”
2) “No, we don’t sell any certified-pre-owned Apache helicopters.”
3) “Nobody uses Navy Pier for carrier landing practice any more. Please stop asking.”
4) “No, we DON’T have an inter-museum loan system with NAS Glenview.”
5) “Even when you bring your own, we do not mount AAMs on the trainer.”
6) “I don’t care if it is Stacey Dash, you cannot paint her on the nose of our plane.”
7) “Please stop referring to the other students as ‘missile shields’ .”
8) “If you yell, ‘RAMMING SPEED.’ once more, you flunk.”
9) “THAT is NOT aviation equipment.”
10) “No, you are not required to maneuver straight down any trench, and there is no two-meter-wide target area at all."
One of my other colleagues then provided two more, which i wish I had thought up:
11) “No, it will not be like shooting womp rats in your T-16 back home.”
12) “You don’t go into warp drive by randomly pounding the instrument panel! Also, we don’t ‘warp drive’.”
Thursday, June 06, 2013
from the back files: at-at liquor cabinet
From: UIM
Sent: Thursday, June 06, 2013 11:27 AM
http://technabob.com/blog/2011/11/29/at-at-liquor-cabinet/
I overheard a colleague say "Star Wars Liquor Cabinet" a few minutes ago, so I would rather search the internet for that than beat my head against certain data walls right now.
Apparently, these pictures have been around for a while.
-UIM
At an AT-AT bar in a booth somewhere at Comic-Con:
Bartender in Jedi Robes: "Okay, boys, next round. What'll you have?"
Boba Fett cosplayer: "I'll have a Dagobah Swamp Water."
Princess-Leia-on-Hoth cosplayer: "I'll have a Tibanna Gas-Processor."
Random guy in a red shirt: "Got any Romulan ale?"
Bartender in Jedi Robes: "Get out of here before I break your antique bifocals."
Sent: Thursday, June 06, 2013 11:27 AM
http://technabob.com/blog/2011/11/29/at-at-liquor-cabinet/
I overheard a colleague say "Star Wars Liquor Cabinet" a few minutes ago, so I would rather search the internet for that than beat my head against certain data walls right now.
Apparently, these pictures have been around for a while.
-UIM
At an AT-AT bar in a booth somewhere at Comic-Con:
Bartender in Jedi Robes: "Okay, boys, next round. What'll you have?"
Boba Fett cosplayer: "I'll have a Dagobah Swamp Water."
Princess-Leia-on-Hoth cosplayer: "I'll have a Tibanna Gas-Processor."
Random guy in a red shirt: "Got any Romulan ale?"
Bartender in Jedi Robes: "Get out of here before I break your antique bifocals."
Wednesday, May 29, 2013
mental methane: gallic knots in the conversation
Developer: "So, you're trying to work on some sort of double entendre?"
UIM: "I'm not even sure it has a single entendre."
Developer: "Well, by default, any word has at least one entendre."
UIM: "I don't know. Nobody seems to ever understand anything I say, so it’s possible there is no entendre."
Developer: "But any word has at least one meaning."
UIM: "I'm sure if you talk with service, they'll provide customer utterances completely devoid of meaning."
Developer: "Non-tendres."
UIM: "Sans-tendres."
UIM: "I'm not even sure it has a single entendre."
Developer: "Well, by default, any word has at least one entendre."
UIM: "I don't know. Nobody seems to ever understand anything I say, so it’s possible there is no entendre."
Developer: "But any word has at least one meaning."
UIM: "I'm sure if you talk with service, they'll provide customer utterances completely devoid of meaning."
Developer: "Non-tendres."
UIM: "Sans-tendres."
Thursday, May 23, 2013
when people ask me how it's going, I feel like telling them this.
So, yes, cartoon-watching is still an important part of this relationship.
We caught some of the new Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle series, and the writing is good, so we are catching up on it. (I never watched any of the old series, so I don’t know how much the writing has improved.)
Shortly into the second episode that we saw together, this conversation occurred:
Her: “Wait, this show seems so familiar.”
(Pause.)
Her: “It feels kind of like talking with you.”
UIM: “Huh?”
Her: “Each of them is like a different part of you. There’s the angry guy, and the guy who uses big words, and the guy who thinks he’s in charge, and the guy who just says random silly things.”
UIM: “Okay. Yeah. That’s a pretty fair assessment.”
We caught some of the new Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle series, and the writing is good, so we are catching up on it. (I never watched any of the old series, so I don’t know how much the writing has improved.)
Shortly into the second episode that we saw together, this conversation occurred:
Her: “Wait, this show seems so familiar.”
(Pause.)
Her: “It feels kind of like talking with you.”
UIM: “Huh?”
Her: “Each of them is like a different part of you. There’s the angry guy, and the guy who uses big words, and the guy who thinks he’s in charge, and the guy who just says random silly things.”
UIM: “Okay. Yeah. That’s a pretty fair assessment.”
Tuesday, May 21, 2013
from the back files: another thrilling day
From: UIM
Sent: Tuesday, May 21, 2013 7:28 AM
It's another thrilling day of churning through US and Canadian renames, and I'm listening to Morrison Hotel, and I feel this unreasonable urge to answer any and all work questions today with any one of the following:
1) "Keep your eyes on the road, and your hands upon the wheel."
2) "The future's uncertain and the end is always near."
3) "Blood in the streets in the town of Chicago."
4) "Ghosts crowd the young child's fragile eggshell mind."
5) "At first flash of Eden, we race down to the sea."
6) "Waiting for you to tell me what went wrong."
Sent: Tuesday, May 21, 2013 7:28 AM
It's another thrilling day of churning through US and Canadian renames, and I'm listening to Morrison Hotel, and I feel this unreasonable urge to answer any and all work questions today with any one of the following:
1) "Keep your eyes on the road, and your hands upon the wheel."
2) "The future's uncertain and the end is always near."
3) "Blood in the streets in the town of Chicago."
4) "Ghosts crowd the young child's fragile eggshell mind."
5) "At first flash of Eden, we race down to the sea."
6) "Waiting for you to tell me what went wrong."
Friday, February 22, 2013
from the back files: I accept that I am powerless, and put my faith in a useless information being higher than me.
(My boss was getting very frustrated at a currently-not-solveable problem.)
My Boss: “UIM? Talk me down from the ledge?”
UIM: “Isn’t that kind of like choosing Charlie Sheen as your AA sponsor?”
My Boss: “UIM? Talk me down from the ledge?”
UIM: “Isn’t that kind of like choosing Charlie Sheen as your AA sponsor?”
Tuesday, February 19, 2013
from the back files: definitions
From: UIM
Sent: Tuesday, February 19, 2013 10:11 AM
Subject: {REDACTED}
This conversation falls afoul of the two differing uses of the word 'support' in this company.
Dev definition of 'support': "If the data source sends the right values, we will create the symbol."
User definition of 'support': "Can I trade it right now this minute and second?"
-UIM
{My cubicle mate} and I just spent six minutes talking about these differing meanings, which then devolved into a discussion of 100-sided dice and gaming groups in general.
Sent: Tuesday, February 19, 2013 10:11 AM
Subject: {REDACTED}
This conversation falls afoul of the two differing uses of the word 'support' in this company.
Dev definition of 'support': "If the data source sends the right values, we will create the symbol."
User definition of 'support': "Can I trade it right now this minute and second?"
-UIM
{My cubicle mate} and I just spent six minutes talking about these differing meanings, which then devolved into a discussion of 100-sided dice and gaming groups in general.
Tuesday, February 12, 2013
collateralized dough obligations.
(After my cubicle mate hands over the Girl Scout Cookies which I ordered…)
Him: “People kept asking me about the delivery date. I was tempted to write some complicated rule, like the expiration date rules for the CME.”
UIM: (laughing)
Him: “Third Friday of the month before the Chinese New Year, or something. I’d have to write a spec.”
UIM: “And we’d have to issue a bulletin of approved Cookie warehouses.”
Him: “Would we use future root GSC?”
UIM: (checking reference database) “GSC is only a root in Sydney. So you can’t trade Australian Girl Scout Cookies. So, there goes our arbitrage market.”
Him: “Dammit.”
Him: “People kept asking me about the delivery date. I was tempted to write some complicated rule, like the expiration date rules for the CME.”
UIM: (laughing)
Him: “Third Friday of the month before the Chinese New Year, or something. I’d have to write a spec.”
UIM: “And we’d have to issue a bulletin of approved Cookie warehouses.”
Him: “Would we use future root GSC?”
UIM: (checking reference database) “GSC is only a root in Sydney. So you can’t trade Australian Girl Scout Cookies. So, there goes our arbitrage market.”
Him: “Dammit.”
Tuesday, February 05, 2013
On the upside of a downward spiral?
(Frage and UIM are in a Dunkin Donuts at 5:30 am, waiting for the morning commuter train.)
(The radio is playing the song "Drive-By" by the band Train.)
Frage: (glaring at the speakers) "It's just disturbing that this is supposed to be a love song, but in terms of a random violent act."
UIM: "But, it's saying that it's NOT a drive-by."
Frage: "Adding the word 'not' doesn't make it better."
UIM: "Sadly, some guys' attitude for romance is exactly like their attitude for random violence. Get in, get out, hope the police don't get involved."
Frage: "For a second, I thought you said, 'Hump the police.' "
UIM: "Yeah, that was NWA's first draft. Same way they originally wrote '911 is a Mildly Amusing Anecdote' before they realized they needed to be more direct."
(Pause, and Frage glares at the speakers again.)
Frage: "It's still just wrong."
UIM: "It's not as bad as 'This is not a conspiracy to commit murder,' or 'This is not a serial killing spree.' "
Frage: "It is, because you're killing my patience."
(The radio is playing the song "Drive-By" by the band Train.)
Frage: (glaring at the speakers) "It's just disturbing that this is supposed to be a love song, but in terms of a random violent act."
UIM: "But, it's saying that it's NOT a drive-by."
Frage: "Adding the word 'not' doesn't make it better."
UIM: "Sadly, some guys' attitude for romance is exactly like their attitude for random violence. Get in, get out, hope the police don't get involved."
Frage: "For a second, I thought you said, 'Hump the police.' "
UIM: "Yeah, that was NWA's first draft. Same way they originally wrote '911 is a Mildly Amusing Anecdote' before they realized they needed to be more direct."
(Pause, and Frage glares at the speakers again.)
Frage: "It's still just wrong."
UIM: "It's not as bad as 'This is not a conspiracy to commit murder,' or 'This is not a serial killing spree.' "
Frage: "It is, because you're killing my patience."
Thursday, October 25, 2012
From an early-morning work e-mail chain where naive colleagues asked me questions.
Person a: "For example the /ESZ2. Is there a symbol code that reflects the extended session stop time for this product?"
Me: “You cannot get much further extended than the current session length of 23 hours and 45 minutes, on the /ES contract from CME. You’d need a Time Lord and a TARDIS. So, the /ES would be a bad example of different sessions, because it only has one. It is the Highlander of futures contracts.”
Person b: “Did you just assume that since {person a} is English he would get a TARDIS reference? Just curious.”
Me: “No. I always assume my audience will not get my reference, no matter what reference I am making.”
Me: “You cannot get much further extended than the current session length of 23 hours and 45 minutes, on the /ES contract from CME. You’d need a Time Lord and a TARDIS. So, the /ES would be a bad example of different sessions, because it only has one. It is the Highlander of futures contracts.”
Person b: “Did you just assume that since {person a} is English he would get a TARDIS reference? Just curious.”
Me: “No. I always assume my audience will not get my reference, no matter what reference I am making.”
Monday, April 09, 2012
from the back files: progress?
From: UIM
Sent: Monday, April 09, 2012 3:22 PM
Subject: Progress?
Quote from therapy, today:
“And I’m frustrated, because as much as I think about resolving this, I never seem to figure out how.”
(Pause)
“And now I’m annoyed because I seem to be quoting the punk rock song, ‘Institutionalized’.”
-UIM.
The progress part is that I did not start quoting the song.
Sent: Monday, April 09, 2012 3:22 PM
Subject: Progress?
Quote from therapy, today:
“And I’m frustrated, because as much as I think about resolving this, I never seem to figure out how.”
(Pause)
“And now I’m annoyed because I seem to be quoting the punk rock song, ‘Institutionalized’.”
-UIM.
The progress part is that I did not start quoting the song.
Monday, April 02, 2012
from the back files: no idea where I get it from
From: UIM
Sent: Monday, April 02, 2012 11:11 AM
To: Metrocake
Subject: Mom, about retirement.
Someone sent her information about yarn bombing…. (http://www.google.com/search?q=yarn+bombing+chicago&hl=en&rlz=1R2ADFA_enUS377&prmd=imvns&tbm=isch&tbo=u&source=univ&sa=X&ei=Os95T-7oHKa42wW6zPj9Cw&ved=0CEEQsAQ&biw=833&bih=824 )
Mom: “I can sneak out and cover things with knitted garments. I’ve never been arrested before.”
UIM: “Mooommmm…”
Mom: “I haven’t decided if getting arrested is on my bucket list.”
UIM: “Yeah, that’ll be great, asking my boss for time off to go to Hanover and bail my mother out of
jail.”
Mom: “It’ll be fun.”
UIM: “At least it’s not a federal offense.”
Mom: “What if I knit a cover for a public mailbox?”
(pause)
UIM: (growlier) “Ok, Mom, you’re getting the reaction you wanted…”
Sent: Monday, April 02, 2012 11:11 AM
To: Metrocake
Subject: Mom, about retirement.
Someone sent her information about yarn bombing…. (http://www.google.com/search?q=yarn+bombing+chicago&hl=en&rlz=1R2ADFA_enUS377&prmd=imvns&tbm=isch&tbo=u&source=univ&sa=X&ei=Os95T-7oHKa42wW6zPj9Cw&ved=0CEEQsAQ&biw=833&bih=824 )
Mom: “I can sneak out and cover things with knitted garments. I’ve never been arrested before.”
UIM: “Mooommmm…”
Mom: “I haven’t decided if getting arrested is on my bucket list.”
UIM: “Yeah, that’ll be great, asking my boss for time off to go to Hanover and bail my mother out of
jail.”
Mom: “It’ll be fun.”
UIM: “At least it’s not a federal offense.”
Mom: “What if I knit a cover for a public mailbox?”
(pause)
UIM: (growlier) “Ok, Mom, you’re getting the reaction you wanted…”
Tuesday, January 10, 2012
"Fresh hot cookies" is not a euphemism.
From: UIM
Sent: Tuesday, January 10, 2012 7:29 AM
To: Her
Subject: from last night's phone call.
http://www.tiffstreats.com/austin/
Rack: “So, there’s a company here that delivers fresh hot cookies.”
UIM: (5 minutes of laughter) “Of course there is…”
Rack: “You call or web, and thirty minutes later, a tired college student bicycles up with fresh hot cookies.”
--
From: Her
Sent: Tuesday, January 10, 2012 7:30 AM
Great, now I want fresh hot cookies .
--
From: UIM
Sent: Tuesday, January 10, 2012 7:33 AM
Yes, at least a dozen times after that, I told him, “Oh, go eat your fresh hot cookies,” or “Sure, what do you care – you’ve got fresh hot cookies.”
Sent: Tuesday, January 10, 2012 7:29 AM
To: Her
Subject: from last night's phone call.
http://www.tiffstreats.com/austin/
Rack: “So, there’s a company here that delivers fresh hot cookies.”
UIM: (5 minutes of laughter) “Of course there is…”
Rack: “You call or web, and thirty minutes later, a tired college student bicycles up with fresh hot cookies.”
--
From: Her
Sent: Tuesday, January 10, 2012 7:30 AM
Great, now I want fresh hot cookies .
--
From: UIM
Sent: Tuesday, January 10, 2012 7:33 AM
Yes, at least a dozen times after that, I told him, “Oh, go eat your fresh hot cookies,” or “Sure, what do you care – you’ve got fresh hot cookies.”
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