Another typical home conversation.

(As UIM rises from the couch, he knocks a pillow off onto the floor.)
UIM: (singing) "F**k you, pillow; f**k yoooooou."
Frage: (from the bedroom) "What are you cursing now?"
UIM: "Everything.  I am launching imprecations at the totality of existence."
Frage: (tired) "Awesome."

Let's face it, folks, she's tired.

(UIM and Frage driving around, doing errands.)
(Frage is audibly irritated by a couple different pedestrians stepping thoughtlessly into the road in front of her.)
UIM : “You have to remember: These are simple people.”
(Frage chuckles.)
UIM: “The common clay of the new West.”
Frage: “What?”
UIM: “You know: morons.”
(Silence.)
UIM: “Look, I either answer that, or, ‘Mongo only pawn in game of life.’  Quotes from Blazing Saddles are all I’ve got right now.”
Frage: “Thank you so much.”
UIM: “I certainly don’t think I can respond with ‘I think he said the sheriff’s near’ relevantly.”

Why UIM is not a rapper. (#001)

"If you're having girl problems
I feel bad for you, son.
I got 99 problems, but
a female love interest with significantly different goals and bad communication skills
is not one."

BOLO: A couple in their forties, being weird near the milk products...

(UIM and Frage are standing in the dairy aisle at Target.)
(Behind them, another customer is on the phone relating the various berry flavors of yogurt which are available.)
Frage: "Well, they don't have the brands I want."
UIM: "I just hope they have snozberry flavor."
Frage: (pats UIM on the shoulder) "Maybe someday they will have it for you."
(Frage leans in close.)
Frage: "Or maybe they'll have dingleberry flavor for you."
(Frage and UIM crack up laughing.)
UIM: "Ew.  Tastes like a Tea Party screed."
(Frage and UIM crack up laughing harder, gasping for air.)
UIM: " ' There's this weird couple, walks into various Targets, and stands around laughing in the dairy aisle.'  I don't want to be on a Target corporate Wanted poster."

Maybe we've got a motto there. Let's translate it into Latin and stick it under a shield.

UIM: "Well, I'm sorry I pushed the joke too far."
Frage: "No, you be you, honey."
UIM: "Awwww."
Frage: "And suffer the consequences."
UIM: "Grrrr."

Nothing you can do sometimes, because MFBC

(While in a cab on the way to work one morning, thanks to Metra trains running way behind, we discussed certain untrustworthy processes at my workplace.)
Frage: "I argued that, on the business end, but I'm sorry I couldn't stop the insanity."
UIM: "You couldn't have stopped the insanity, because no one is going to listen to the sane.  You could only have stopped it with worse insanity, because Motherf^{kers Be Crazy."
(Pause.)
UIM: " ' Hey, why do UIM and Frage have matching tattoos of MFBC on their clavicles?'  'Because Motherf^{kers Be Crazy.' "
Frage: "We might have to use it as the monogram on our wedding invitations."

That's the sound of the man working in the data gang.

(On Take Your Children to Work Day, my boss had to run a small stock-trading simulation game with the kids.)
(He spent a few minutes prepping me and my colleague for our parts.)
My boss: "If it all goes off the rails, I may have to ask you gentlemen to describe your jobs in 30 seconds."
Me: "Uh, boss?  What is my job description?"
(Pause, as my boss of 8 years stares at me exactly how you imagine he would.)
Me: "Because I've never successfully explained my job in 30 seconds.  Or without profanity."

We don't let him plan things. It's for everybody's safety.

(Frage comes through the living room as UIM watches music videos on demand.)
UIM: "Hey, sweetie, what do you think about this as your entrance music at the wedding?"
(UIM presses play, and Ludacris appears on tv.)
Ludacris: "My chick bad, my chick hood.  My chick do stuff your chick wish she could."
Frage: "I'd be worried and offended if I believed you were serious."

So much drama in Cook County.

We're getting ready for a car trip up to her dad's.  I'm coming back down to the city that evening to return the rental car.
Her: "So, what are your plans for the rest of the weekend?"
Me: "Oh, you know." (Pause.) "Rollin' down the street; smokin' indo; sippin' on gin and juice."
Her: "Make sure you take the cats with you.  April-kitty does love her gin and juice."

East Coast-West Coast strife

We're watching the music video for "Happy", by Pharrell Willliams.
Her: "Hey, it's MJ."
Me: "No, that's not Michael Jordan, that's Magic -" (pause) "oh."
Her: "Yeah, hello, Lakers' girl here."
Me: "I had wondered about all those purple and gold shorts you have."

Security through obscenity?

(We were listening to the radio show, "Wait Wait Don't Tell Me", as Paula Poundstone goes on a mini-rant about passwords.)
Paula Poundstone: "I cannot come up with any more passwords.  It's why I have 16 cats."
Her: "So, Useless Information Man, is that why you know so many porn performer names?"
Me: "I assure you, when I started down that road of depravity in fall of 1987, computer security was not one of my concerns."

#RepressedSarcasm

"Well, I'm looking at the man in the mirror, asking him to change his ways. He's just telling me to f^{k off.."

Signs You Should Tone Down Your Nerdiness (originally written down back in 2008)

1)  If anyone asks about your plans for a given future time, you automatically respond, "The same thing we do every night, Pinky - try and take over the world!"

2)  When gathering a group of people to go out for the evening, you demand that they respond to the call, "Avengers Assemble".

2a) Your first choice was, "To me, my X-men!"

3)  At least 30% of your bed linens show licensed characters.

4)  You have heard the sentence, "While this is my house, there will be no bat-pole installed."

4a)  Alternately, "... there will be no bat-signal installed."

5)  You are currently recovering from an injury inflicted by weapons composed of anything other than metal.

6)  You are over the age of 8, and have made a light-saber noise in recent memory.

7)  You have ever used the phrase "As you wish" as a pickup line.

8)  You have ended a work presentation with the phrase "... and hear the lamentations of their women."

9)  You have ever attempted to have a person from eastern Europe state "Moose and squirrel are getting away."

10)  You have carried on conversations only contributing Sean Connery quotes.

11)  Your car's bumper proclaims political support for licensed characters.

12)  A major remodeling project has required Lego bricks.

13)  Home defense systems rely on compressed air and foam-object impacts.

14)  You have forcibly ejected from a hobby store.

15)  You know the Yankovic parody lyrics far better than the original lyrics.

16)  You have bought enought model paint to cover the outside of the building you live in.

17)  Any portion of yoor living quarters has a sign reading "Fortress of Solitude" / "Danger Room" / "The Swamp" / "The La-BOR-atory".

18)  You consistently mutter at your workstation, "Hello, computer" in a bad Scots accent.

18a)  Alternately, "Open the pod bay doors, HAL."

#EnthusiasticNonsense

"Houston, we have achieved full-throttle nerdosity."

The acronym YOLO is overdone - here are some other acronyms folks could find helpful.

Words of Consolation:

AGWABOMO - Above Ground Walking and Breathing On My Own.  Use when you are not that enthused about your life, but honestly grateful that your life is not worse.

TANJ - There Ain't No Justice.  (from the novel Ringworld, by Larry Niven)


Words of Flippancy:

OLAST - Ooooh, Look, a Shiny Thing.

DABSITW (dab'-sit-oo) - Does a Bear S#!+ in the Woods?

HWANEU - Here We Are Now, Entertain Us.  (from the song "Smells Like Teen Spirit" by Nirvana)

EMWIKTS - Excuse Me, While I Kiss the Sky.  (from the song "Purple Haze" sung by Jimi Hendrix)


Words of Principle:

KYBO - Keep Your Bigotry Outside.


Words of Rebellion or Frolic:

IANAGU - I Am Not a Grown-Up.

TWEMMARA - They Won't Ever Make Me a Responsible Adult.

CHIASA - Cleverly Hiding Inside a Supposed Adult.

LOFAKOMF (loaf' - a - komf) - Looking Out For All Kinds of Messy Fun.

WYWBIGI - (woo' - big - ee) - What You Want, Baby, I Got It.  (from the song "Respect", sung by Otis Redding, covered by Aretha Franklin)


Words of Caution or Advice:

INJOT - It's Never Just One Thing.  Use it with people who think their current problems are traceable to a single point of evil.

EYMIFAHB (aim' - i -fahb) - Everyone You Meet is Fighting a Hard Battle.  (variantly worded and often misattributed to various ancient sources.  Apparently, from a late 1800s Scots author/theologian, Rev. John  Watson, who published fiction under the name Ian Maclaren)

NAWBATSFOY - Never Any Warning Before All the S#!+ Falls on You.  Honestly, if I were raising a child, I would stencil this on the child's bedroom wall.  You can't start paranoia early enough.

AHSETGSIV (a - set' - ge - siv) - Against Human Stupidity, Even the Gods Strive In Vain. (riffing off a often-quoted line by Friedrich Schiller in his play "Die Jungfrau von Orleans")   I would stencil this on another wall of the child's bedroom.

YAMCAJ - You Always Must Change at Jamaica.    If you have ever taken the Long Island Rail Road to or from Manhattan, you understand the concept of a choke-point in its clearest form.


Words of Anger or Judgment:

AHPHIHAS (ah - fee' - has) - Another Half-Planned, Half-Implemented, Half-Assed Solution.

CHOTTOW - Crucify Him On the Tree Of Woe.  (from the first filmed version of Conan the Barbarian)  "This person has caused me deep pain, and I wish I could return it five-fold back."

INATMABB - I Need a Time Machine and Baseball Bat.  "If only I had known these things back when I could have prevented our current misery."

ITWHOFICPU (it' - who - fic -poo) - If the World Had One Face, I Could Punch It.  (riffing off of a cruel comment attributed to the Roman emperor Caligula)

SDTRBOL (z - dir' - ball) - Sliding Down the Razor Blade of Life.  (from the song "Bright College Days" by Tom Lehrer)

TSIFU (t -sif' -u) - That S#!+ is F^cked Up.

Dream worriers

Frage: "I had the weirdest dream this morning."
UIM: "I'm sorry."
Frage: "I was pregnant, and due.  You were pushing people out of the way to get me to a doctor."
UIM: "Good.  I would be doing that."
Frage: "And the doctor said, sorry, we're only delivering twenty babies today."
UIM: "You've got to stop reading your dad's Obama rants."

from the back files: new symbol follies

From: UIM
Sent: Tuesday, December 17, 2013 7:23 AM
Subject: new symbol follies.

As usual, going through the morning new symbols, trying to wring amusement out of the process.
RTMFD - RT MINERALS CORP COM NEW
Here, I was deeply disappointed that the company's name wasn't "Read the M*****F****** Documentation, Inc".

-UIM

Compare with...

http://www.catb.org/jargon/html/R/RTBM.html
http://www.catb.org/jargon/html/R/RTFB.html
http://www.catb.org/jargon/html/R/RTFM.html
http://www.catb.org/jargon/html/R/RTFS.html
http://www.catb.org/jargon/html/R/RTS.html

from the back files: A sentence I have spoken today.

From: UIM
Sent: Tuesday, December 10, 2013 11:05 AM
Subject: A sentence I have spoken today.

"Well, my mom used to say, 'You sit up nights thinking of ways to drive me crazy.'  It never made her feel better to hear that it was all natural improv talent."

-UIM.

We work well together.

As my sweetheart and I walked along Lawrence Avenue, on our way to get llunch and to do errands, we passed a taqueria that had "Free-Wifi" and "Special Taco $1.50 Tuesday and Thursday" signs stacked too close together in the window.

Me: "Free wi-fi special taco."
Her: "What?"
Me: "The signs in the window.  I don't know what a wi-fi taco would be."
Her: "Of course."
Me: "I don't even know how one could eat a digital taco."
Her: "Open your mouth really wide."
Me: "Man, worst superhero name ever."
Her: "Open your mouth really wide?"
Me: "I meant 'Digital Taco' ."
Her: "My suggestion is worse."
Me: "But superhero names are never imperative sentences.  Nobody is going to trust 'Captain Let's Get the Hell Out of Here.' Or the superhero invoked by all kids traveling with siblings, 'The Amazing Stop Touching Me Stop Touching Me Mom Make Him Stop Touching Me' ."

Truth be told, it is one of the better battle cries I am likely to yell.

One of the earlier times when my girlfriend were doing laundry together, I had to spend some time purging all of my socks that have been falling apart.

This somehow led to "Check my sock holes!" as a pseudo-insult, or profanity replacement.