Developer: "I can undo the code with the memory leak, but that would add back the deadlock problem."
Boss: "I do not endorse adding back deadlocks."
UIM: (thinks) "Can we also make sure we stop adding Grimlocks?"
Showing posts with label work_will_be_the_death_of_you. Show all posts
Showing posts with label work_will_be_the_death_of_you. Show all posts
Tuesday, July 01, 2014
Monday, June 30, 2014
My Poor Boss
(My boss stops by my desk to assign me a project.)
UIM: “Ok, I’ll work on that. How are you otherwise?”
Boss: “I am doing well. How are you?”
UIM: “Ticking along like a Timex strapped to the horn of a rhino, while John…” (pause) “..who was that newscaster who did those sorts of Timex commercials in the 50s? Anyway, ticking along like that.”
Boss: (that look) “I… I… I haven’t thought about those commercials… in decades..” (starts to get up from the chair)
UIM: “No one has had a sane reason to.” (mutters to self) “John… Cam…. Cameron….”
(My boss stands, and makes the turn around my cubicle to go back to his.)
UIM: “John Cameron Swayze. That’s it.”
(My boss stops briefly, intensifies the weird look, and shakes his head.)
(I dissolve into cackles and giggles while my boss walks back to his own cubicle.)
UIM: “Ok, I’ll work on that. How are you otherwise?”
Boss: “I am doing well. How are you?”
UIM: “Ticking along like a Timex strapped to the horn of a rhino, while John…” (pause) “..who was that newscaster who did those sorts of Timex commercials in the 50s? Anyway, ticking along like that.”
Boss: (that look) “I… I… I haven’t thought about those commercials… in decades..” (starts to get up from the chair)
UIM: “No one has had a sane reason to.” (mutters to self) “John… Cam…. Cameron….”
(My boss stands, and makes the turn around my cubicle to go back to his.)
UIM: “John Cameron Swayze. That’s it.”
(My boss stops briefly, intensifies the weird look, and shakes his head.)
(I dissolve into cackles and giggles while my boss walks back to his own cubicle.)
Thursday, April 24, 2014
Nothing you can do sometimes, because MFBC
(While in a cab on the way to work one morning, thanks to Metra trains running way behind, we discussed certain untrustworthy processes at my workplace.)
Frage: "I argued that, on the business end, but I'm sorry I couldn't stop the insanity."
UIM: "You couldn't have stopped the insanity, because no one is going to listen to the sane. You could only have stopped it with worse insanity, because Motherf^{kers Be Crazy."
(Pause.)
UIM: " ' Hey, why do UIM and Frage have matching tattoos of MFBC on their clavicles?' 'Because Motherf^{kers Be Crazy.' "
Frage: "We might have to use it as the monogram on our wedding invitations."
Frage: "I argued that, on the business end, but I'm sorry I couldn't stop the insanity."
UIM: "You couldn't have stopped the insanity, because no one is going to listen to the sane. You could only have stopped it with worse insanity, because Motherf^{kers Be Crazy."
(Pause.)
UIM: " ' Hey, why do UIM and Frage have matching tattoos of MFBC on their clavicles?' 'Because Motherf^{kers Be Crazy.' "
Frage: "We might have to use it as the monogram on our wedding invitations."
That's the sound of the man working in the data gang.
(On Take Your Children to Work Day, my boss had to run a small stock-trading simulation game with the kids.)
(He spent a few minutes prepping me and my colleague for our parts.)
My boss: "If it all goes off the rails, I may have to ask you gentlemen to describe your jobs in 30 seconds."
Me: "Uh, boss? What is my job description?"
(Pause, as my boss of 8 years stares at me exactly how you imagine he would.)
Me: "Because I've never successfully explained my job in 30 seconds. Or without profanity."
(He spent a few minutes prepping me and my colleague for our parts.)
My boss: "If it all goes off the rails, I may have to ask you gentlemen to describe your jobs in 30 seconds."
Me: "Uh, boss? What is my job description?"
(Pause, as my boss of 8 years stares at me exactly how you imagine he would.)
Me: "Because I've never successfully explained my job in 30 seconds. Or without profanity."
Tuesday, December 17, 2013
from the back files: new symbol follies
From: UIM
Sent: Tuesday, December 17, 2013 7:23 AM
Subject: new symbol follies.
As usual, going through the morning new symbols, trying to wring amusement out of the process.
RTMFD - RT MINERALS CORP COM NEW
Here, I was deeply disappointed that the company's name wasn't "Read the M*****F****** Documentation, Inc".
-UIM
Compare with...
http://www.catb.org/jargon/html/R/RTBM.html
http://www.catb.org/jargon/html/R/RTFB.html
http://www.catb.org/jargon/html/R/RTFM.html
http://www.catb.org/jargon/html/R/RTFS.html
http://www.catb.org/jargon/html/R/RTS.html
Sent: Tuesday, December 17, 2013 7:23 AM
Subject: new symbol follies.
As usual, going through the morning new symbols, trying to wring amusement out of the process.
RTMFD - RT MINERALS CORP COM NEW
Here, I was deeply disappointed that the company's name wasn't "Read the M*****F****** Documentation, Inc".
-UIM
Compare with...
http://www.catb.org/jargon/html/R/RTBM.html
http://www.catb.org/jargon/html/R/RTFB.html
http://www.catb.org/jargon/html/R/RTFM.html
http://www.catb.org/jargon/html/R/RTFS.html
http://www.catb.org/jargon/html/R/RTS.html
Friday, August 30, 2013
#ThisDidn'tActuallyHapppen
From: UIM
Sent: Friday, August 30, 2013 9:59 AM
Subject: this didn't actually happen
"So, do you guys have a swear jar down her?'
"We did. UIM got tired of turning over his paycheck, so he just started saying , 'fuzzbucket', and we couldn't afford beer any more."
"That sucks."
"So then we fined him for 'fuzzbucket's, but he threw us a 20 and then changed to shooting us with foam darts every time he wanted to curse."
"I'm... not sure what to say about that."
"We decided not to fine him for anything, since we don't want to know what he'd escalate to if we fined him for foam darts."
Wednesday, August 28, 2013
from the back files: I know I am a horrible misanthrope.
From: UIM
Sent: Wednesday, August 28, 2013 10:29 AM
Subject: I know I am a horrible misanthrope.
My subconscious finally answered the question, "If I had to throw a Thirsty Thursday, what theme would I actually be happy with, given that I don't want to talk to large swaths of this company?"
The answer was a "Bacon and Inebriation Meditation" theme. The beer and bacon theme we just had, plus, no one is allowed to talk. Everybody just sits down quietly and drinks their booze and eats their bacon.
Sent: Wednesday, August 28, 2013 10:29 AM
Subject: I know I am a horrible misanthrope.
My subconscious finally answered the question, "If I had to throw a Thirsty Thursday, what theme would I actually be happy with, given that I don't want to talk to large swaths of this company?"
The answer was a "Bacon and Inebriation Meditation" theme. The beer and bacon theme we just had, plus, no one is allowed to talk. Everybody just sits down quietly and drinks their booze and eats their bacon.
Friday, August 02, 2013
from the back files: And, exit, stage - thump
From: UIM
Sent: Friday, August 02, 2013 4:43 PM
Subject: And, exit, stage - thump
(UIM reaches the elevators, where HappyScrappyPup already stands, with others.)
HappyScrappyPup: " Hey, UIM."
UIM: "Hello."
HappyScrappyPup: "So, you have fixed all our RIC-mapping problems?"
(Pause.)
UIM: "Y'know, despite my reputation, it is pretty rare for my first thought to be, 'I should kick this person in the crotch.' -"
(General laughter.)
UIM: "- and now you have brought me to a new low. Thanks."
Tuesday, May 21, 2013
from the back files: another thrilling day
From: UIM
Sent: Tuesday, May 21, 2013 7:28 AM
It's another thrilling day of churning through US and Canadian renames, and I'm listening to Morrison Hotel, and I feel this unreasonable urge to answer any and all work questions today with any one of the following:
1) "Keep your eyes on the road, and your hands upon the wheel."
2) "The future's uncertain and the end is always near."
3) "Blood in the streets in the town of Chicago."
4) "Ghosts crowd the young child's fragile eggshell mind."
5) "At first flash of Eden, we race down to the sea."
6) "Waiting for you to tell me what went wrong."
Sent: Tuesday, May 21, 2013 7:28 AM
It's another thrilling day of churning through US and Canadian renames, and I'm listening to Morrison Hotel, and I feel this unreasonable urge to answer any and all work questions today with any one of the following:
1) "Keep your eyes on the road, and your hands upon the wheel."
2) "The future's uncertain and the end is always near."
3) "Blood in the streets in the town of Chicago."
4) "Ghosts crowd the young child's fragile eggshell mind."
5) "At first flash of Eden, we race down to the sea."
6) "Waiting for you to tell me what went wrong."
Friday, February 22, 2013
from the back files: I accept that I am powerless, and put my faith in a useless information being higher than me.
(My boss was getting very frustrated at a currently-not-solveable problem.)
My Boss: “UIM? Talk me down from the ledge?”
UIM: “Isn’t that kind of like choosing Charlie Sheen as your AA sponsor?”
My Boss: “UIM? Talk me down from the ledge?”
UIM: “Isn’t that kind of like choosing Charlie Sheen as your AA sponsor?”
Tuesday, February 19, 2013
from the back files: definitions
From: UIM
Sent: Tuesday, February 19, 2013 10:11 AM
Subject: {REDACTED}
This conversation falls afoul of the two differing uses of the word 'support' in this company.
Dev definition of 'support': "If the data source sends the right values, we will create the symbol."
User definition of 'support': "Can I trade it right now this minute and second?"
-UIM
{My cubicle mate} and I just spent six minutes talking about these differing meanings, which then devolved into a discussion of 100-sided dice and gaming groups in general.
Sent: Tuesday, February 19, 2013 10:11 AM
Subject: {REDACTED}
This conversation falls afoul of the two differing uses of the word 'support' in this company.
Dev definition of 'support': "If the data source sends the right values, we will create the symbol."
User definition of 'support': "Can I trade it right now this minute and second?"
-UIM
{My cubicle mate} and I just spent six minutes talking about these differing meanings, which then devolved into a discussion of 100-sided dice and gaming groups in general.
Monday, November 07, 2011
from the back files: early morning physics experiments
From: UIM
Sent: Monday, November 07, 2011 09:31 AM
Subject: early morning physics experiments
You would think it would be difficult to fall out of bed, when the bed is a mattress on the floor.
I proved otherwise, at 4 am this morning, when my phone rang.
-UIM.
The overall moral of the story is, the next time UIM has to do anything with {REDACTED} data, someone should ask UIM, “Hey, will the alternate symbology still work after this change?”
Sent: Monday, November 07, 2011 09:31 AM
Subject: early morning physics experiments
You would think it would be difficult to fall out of bed, when the bed is a mattress on the floor.
I proved otherwise, at 4 am this morning, when my phone rang.
-UIM.
The overall moral of the story is, the next time UIM has to do anything with {REDACTED} data, someone should ask UIM, “Hey, will the alternate symbology still work after this change?”
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