Maybe we've got a motto there. Let's translate it into Latin and stick it under a shield.

UIM: "Well, I'm sorry I pushed the joke too far."
Frage: "No, you be you, honey."
UIM: "Awwww."
Frage: "And suffer the consequences."
UIM: "Grrrr."

from the back files: A sentence I have spoken today.

From: UIM
Sent: Tuesday, December 10, 2013 11:05 AM
Subject: A sentence I have spoken today.

"Well, my mom used to say, 'You sit up nights thinking of ways to drive me crazy.'  It never made her feel better to hear that it was all natural improv talent."

-UIM.

from the back files: Obligatory personal note on an e-mail discussion about gun control.

From: UIM

Sent: Monday, November 11, 2013 12:52 PM

ObligatoryPersonalNote: Somewhere around age 14 I realized I should not pursue my desires to become a police detective, as I realized that people with my crappy temper should not carry firearms....

#ThisDidn'tActuallyHapppen

From: UIM

Sent: Friday, August 30, 2013 9:59 AM

Subject: this didn't actually happen

"So, do you guys have a swear jar down her?'

"We did. UIM got tired of turning over his paycheck, so he just started saying , 'fuzzbucket', and we couldn't afford beer any more."

"That sucks."

"So then we fined him for 'fuzzbucket's, but he threw us a 20 and then changed to shooting us with foam darts every time he wanted to curse."

"I'm... not sure what to say about that."

"We decided not to fine him for anything, since we don't want to know what he'd escalate to if we fined him for foam darts."

from the back files: I know I am a horrible misanthrope.

From:    UIM
Sent:     Wednesday, August 28, 2013 10:29 AM
Subject:  I know I am a horrible misanthrope.

My subconscious finally answered the question, "If I had to throw a Thirsty Thursday, what theme would I actually be happy with, given that I don't want to talk to large swaths of this company?"

The answer was a "Bacon and Inebriation Meditation" theme.  The beer and bacon theme we just had, plus, no one is allowed to talk.  Everybody just sits down quietly and drinks their booze and eats their bacon.

from the back files: And, exit, stage - thump

From: UIM

Sent: Friday, August 02, 2013 4:43 PM

Subject: And, exit, stage - thump

(UIM reaches the elevators, where HappyScrappyPup already stands, with others.)
 

HappyScrappyPup: " Hey, UIM."

UIM: "Hello."

HappyScrappyPup: "So, you have fixed all our RIC-mapping problems?"

(Pause.)

UIM: "Y'know, despite my reputation, it is pretty rare for my first thought to be, 'I should kick this person in the crotch.' -"

(General laughter.)

UIM: "- and now you have brought me to a new low. Thanks."

from the back files: another thrilling day

From:    UIM
Sent:     Tuesday, May 21, 2013 7:28 AM

It's another thrilling day of churning through US and Canadian renames, and I'm listening to Morrison Hotel, and I feel this unreasonable urge to answer any and all work questions today with any one of the following:

1)      "Keep your eyes on the road, and your hands upon the wheel."

2)      "The future's uncertain and the end is always near."

3)      "Blood in the streets in the town of Chicago."

4)      "Ghosts crowd the young child's fragile eggshell mind."

5)      "At first flash of Eden, we race down to the sea."

6)      "Waiting for you to tell me what went wrong."

from the back files: I accept that I am powerless, and put my faith in a useless information being higher than me.

(My boss was getting very frustrated at a currently-not-solveable problem.)

My Boss: “UIM? Talk me down from the ledge?”

UIM: “Isn’t that kind of like choosing Charlie Sheen as your AA sponsor?”

from the back files: definitions

From: UIM
Sent: Tuesday, February 19, 2013 10:11 AM
Subject: {REDACTED}

This conversation falls afoul of the two differing uses of the word 'support' in this company.
Dev definition of 'support': "If the data source sends the right values, we will create the symbol."

User definition of 'support': "Can I trade it right now this minute and second?"

-UIM

{My cubicle mate} and I just spent six minutes talking about these differing meanings, which then devolved into a discussion of 100-sided dice and gaming groups in general.

from the back files: progress?

From:    UIM
Sent:    Monday, April 09, 2012 3:22 PM
Subject: Progress?

Quote from therapy, today:
“And I’m frustrated, because as much as I think about resolving this, I never seem to figure out how.”
(Pause)
“And now I’m annoyed because I seem to be quoting the punk rock song, ‘Institutionalized’.”

-UIM.
The progress part is that I did not start quoting the song. 

from the back files: no idea where I get it from

From: UIM
Sent: Monday, April 02, 2012 11:11 AM
To: Metrocake
Subject: Mom, about retirement.
Someone sent her information about yarn bombing….  (http://www.google.com/search?q=yarn+bombing+chicago&hl=en&rlz=1R2ADFA_enUS377&prmd=imvns&tbm=isch&tbo=u&source=univ&sa=X&ei=Os95T-7oHKa42wW6zPj9Cw&ved=0CEEQsAQ&biw=833&bih=824 )

Mom: “I can sneak out and cover things with knitted garments.  I’ve never been arrested before.”

UIM: “Mooommmm…”

Mom: “I haven’t decided if getting arrested is on my bucket list.”

UIM: “Yeah, that’ll be great, asking my boss for time off to go to Hanover and bail my mother out of
jail.”

Mom: “It’ll be fun.”

UIM: “At least it’s not a federal offense.”

Mom: “What if I knit a cover for a public mailbox?”

(pause)

UIM: (growlier) “Ok, Mom, you’re getting the reaction you wanted…”