#ThisDidntActuallyHappen

"I'll quote my dad's Ballsac Droop rule - the more time you spend hanging around an a$$#0le, the more likely folks will have to tell you that you stink."

#FictionalConversations

A; "When she finishes my sentences, I call her 'Psi-Judge Anderson'. This annoys her enough to stop talking to me for a few hours."
B: "Promise me you won't ever write any relationship books."

#RepressedAnger

"Retreat, thou cackling dunghen!"

#ThisDidntActuallyHappen,

"He has openly declared that all lottery winnings will be spent in dimly-lit neon-accented rooms with flimsily-dressed bottle blondes."

#FictionalConversations

A: "So, what you been up to?"
B: "Dreaming of vigilante justice."
(Pause)
A: "Are you the terror that flaps in the night?"

#RepressedAnger

"The evil that developers write lives on and  must be maintained."

#FictionalConversations AND #RepressedAnger

A: "And we'll make a lovely dress for Cinderelly."
B: "Shut up and hand me some cheese."

#EnthusiasticNonsense

"It is time to establish our funk hegemony."

#RepressedAnger

"Fun is only a pneumatic drill rental away."

#FictionalConversations

A: "So, I was working my mojo on her -"
B: "You don't have a mojo.  You might have a mojito."
C: "I thought we sprayed for mojitos."
B: "No, but we did plant a Squeamish Vibe-Trap."

#RepressedSarcasm

"Shiny happy people eating paint."

I always assume everyone thinks this, in response to anything I say.

"And why should I listen to the depressed scribbling guy hunched in the corner?"

#EnthusiasticNonsense

"What up, essayist?"

And sometimes, in a meeting, the sarcasm goes unrepressed.

“I’m not sure that the guy who is five minutes late to every meeting should be the guy enforcing standards.”

This could yield another useful acronym.

A phrase I heard quoted from a British police report:

"... drink-related anti-social behavior ..."

DRASB.

I think this acronym should show up in most of the posts on Texts from Last Night.

"Was I quiet when I blacked out, or full-on DRASB?"
"You DRASBed up the place, broheim."

#ThisDidntActuallyHappen

"He's no longer allowed to utter the words 'groove', 'funk', 'thang', 'bling', 'booty', 'mojo', 'boo-ya', or 'sesquipedalian'.  We are allowed to enforce this ban with fair-to-middling prejudice "

#FictionalConversations

A: "Well, you can't, you won't, and you don't stop."
B: "Try task manager."

#RepressedSarcasm

"Sales promotions?  That's what Tiggers do best!"

#RepressedAnger

"Our crash detection system is an unwilling bystander strapped to our hood."

#RepressedSarcasm

"The closest he gets to 'warm fuzzies' is 'asbestos'. "

#RepressedAnger

"Nobody trusts your groove thang."

If you have a problem, if no one else can help, and if you can find them, maybe you can hire....

"I deeply enjoy it when a blueprint is properly executed."
....
"He's on the free-form extemporaneous improvisation."
...
"I feel deep sorrow for the weak-minded individual."

#RepressedAnger

"Bring me the epiglotti of the fools who assail me!"

from the back files, 2010 - discussions after a comic convention.

One of my work colleagues was asking me about C2E2, and then opining that as the father of a small daughter himself, taking pictures of the cosplayers was even more fraught with peril.
At which point I wrote the following fictional conversation....

Her: “A-HEM.”
Him: “Yeah, hon?”
Her: “Who are all these women on your digital camera?”
Him: “It’s not just women. There’s pictures of the Batmobile and the Delorean, too. And this is the 501rst Legion. And there’s Jack Sparrow.”
Her: “Captain Jack Sparrow.”
Him: “Right, hon.”
Her: “And why is SHE holding our daughter?”
Him: “Well, it’s a thematic thing, hon. Our daughter is wearing a Supergirl costume, and that woman is dressed up like Power Girl, who is actually Supergirl’s Earth-Two version…”
Her: “You mean someone designed that top deliberately for a superhero? And published it?”
Him: “A bunch of dirty old men in the 70’s. I believe.”
Her: “And this poster you bought?” (http://www.dccomics.com/dcdirect/?dcd=11401 )
Him: “Adam Hughes draws really well, and he signed it for her right here.”
Her: “And you think it’s going up in our daughter’s room?”
Him: “These are all positive role models – well, okay, except for Catwoman, Harley Quinn and Poison Ivy…”
Her: “You’re sleeping on the couch this week.”

#RepressedSarcasm

"Well, I'm looking at the man in the mirror, asking him to change his ways. He's just telling me to f^{k off.."