Signs You Should Tone Down Your Nerdiness (originally written down back in 2008)

1)  If anyone asks about your plans for a given future time, you automatically respond, "The same thing we do every night, Pinky - try and take over the world!"

2)  When gathering a group of people to go out for the evening, you demand that they respond to the call, "Avengers Assemble".

2a) Your first choice was, "To me, my X-men!"

3)  At least 30% of your bed linens show licensed characters.

4)  You have heard the sentence, "While this is my house, there will be no bat-pole installed."

4a)  Alternately, "... there will be no bat-signal installed."

5)  You are currently recovering from an injury inflicted by weapons composed of anything other than metal.

6)  You are over the age of 8, and have made a light-saber noise in recent memory.

7)  You have ever used the phrase "As you wish" as a pickup line.

8)  You have ended a work presentation with the phrase "... and hear the lamentations of their women."

9)  You have ever attempted to have a person from eastern Europe state "Moose and squirrel are getting away."

10)  You have carried on conversations only contributing Sean Connery quotes.

11)  Your car's bumper proclaims political support for licensed characters.

12)  A major remodeling project has required Lego bricks.

13)  Home defense systems rely on compressed air and foam-object impacts.

14)  You have forcibly ejected from a hobby store.

15)  You know the Yankovic parody lyrics far better than the original lyrics.

16)  You have bought enought model paint to cover the outside of the building you live in.

17)  Any portion of yoor living quarters has a sign reading "Fortress of Solitude" / "Danger Room" / "The Swamp" / "The La-BOR-atory".

18)  You consistently mutter at your workstation, "Hello, computer" in a bad Scots accent.

18a)  Alternately, "Open the pod bay doors, HAL."

#EnthusiasticNonsense

"Houston, we have achieved full-throttle nerdosity."

If I weren't so lazy and disorganized, I'd have one of these e-mail addresses by now.

hermit_curmudgeon@luddite.org

someone@who.cares.com

blatant_contradiction@anarchy.org

#RepressedAnger

"No, the other reindeer don't let you play in their games because you're an a$$#0le."

#RepressedSarcasm

"It's so exciting around here we spell 'week' with an h - 'WHEE-k' "

I've been waiting years to work this one into a conversation.

"Awww, maaan.  Just because a guy wears dark clothes... and cackles evil-ly... and daydreams about his enemies' heads on pikes surrounding his castle in the Carpathians.... doesn't mean he's a bad person."

#RepressedSarcasm

"Waaait a minute!  This isn't a VCA Pictures Presentation!"

The acronym YOLO is overdone - here are some other acronyms folks could find helpful.

Words of Consolation:

AGWABOMO - Above Ground Walking and Breathing On My Own.  Use when you are not that enthused about your life, but honestly grateful that your life is not worse.

TANJ - There Ain't No Justice.  (from the novel Ringworld, by Larry Niven)


Words of Flippancy:

OLAST - Ooooh, Look, a Shiny Thing.

DABSITW (dab'-sit-oo) - Does a Bear S#!+ in the Woods?

HWANEU - Here We Are Now, Entertain Us.  (from the song "Smells Like Teen Spirit" by Nirvana)

EMWIKTS - Excuse Me, While I Kiss the Sky.  (from the song "Purple Haze" sung by Jimi Hendrix)


Words of Principle:

KYBO - Keep Your Bigotry Outside.


Words of Rebellion or Frolic:

IANAGU - I Am Not a Grown-Up.

TWEMMARA - They Won't Ever Make Me a Responsible Adult.

CHIASA - Cleverly Hiding Inside a Supposed Adult.

LOFAKOMF (loaf' - a - komf) - Looking Out For All Kinds of Messy Fun.

WYWBIGI - (woo' - big - ee) - What You Want, Baby, I Got It.  (from the song "Respect", sung by Otis Redding, covered by Aretha Franklin)


Words of Caution or Advice:

INJOT - It's Never Just One Thing.  Use it with people who think their current problems are traceable to a single point of evil.

EYMIFAHB (aim' - i -fahb) - Everyone You Meet is Fighting a Hard Battle.  (variantly worded and often misattributed to various ancient sources.  Apparently, from a late 1800s Scots author/theologian, Rev. John  Watson, who published fiction under the name Ian Maclaren)

NAWBATSFOY - Never Any Warning Before All the S#!+ Falls on You.  Honestly, if I were raising a child, I would stencil this on the child's bedroom wall.  You can't start paranoia early enough.

AHSETGSIV (a - set' - ge - siv) - Against Human Stupidity, Even the Gods Strive In Vain. (riffing off a often-quoted line by Friedrich Schiller in his play "Die Jungfrau von Orleans")   I would stencil this on another wall of the child's bedroom.

YAMCAJ - You Always Must Change at Jamaica.    If you have ever taken the Long Island Rail Road to or from Manhattan, you understand the concept of a choke-point in its clearest form.


Words of Anger or Judgment:

AHPHIHAS (ah - fee' - has) - Another Half-Planned, Half-Implemented, Half-Assed Solution.

CHOTTOW - Crucify Him On the Tree Of Woe.  (from the first filmed version of Conan the Barbarian)  "This person has caused me deep pain, and I wish I could return it five-fold back."

INATMABB - I Need a Time Machine and Baseball Bat.  "If only I had known these things back when I could have prevented our current misery."

ITWHOFICPU (it' - who - fic -poo) - If the World Had One Face, I Could Punch It.  (riffing off of a cruel comment attributed to the Roman emperor Caligula)

SDTRBOL (z - dir' - ball) - Sliding Down the Razor Blade of Life.  (from the song "Bright College Days" by Tom Lehrer)

TSIFU (t -sif' -u) - That S#!+ is F^cked Up.

Dream worriers

Frage: "I had the weirdest dream this morning."
UIM: "I'm sorry."
Frage: "I was pregnant, and due.  You were pushing people out of the way to get me to a doctor."
UIM: "Good.  I would be doing that."
Frage: "And the doctor said, sorry, we're only delivering twenty babies today."
UIM: "You've got to stop reading your dad's Obama rants."

from the back files: new symbol follies

From: UIM
Sent: Tuesday, December 17, 2013 7:23 AM
Subject: new symbol follies.

As usual, going through the morning new symbols, trying to wring amusement out of the process.
RTMFD - RT MINERALS CORP COM NEW
Here, I was deeply disappointed that the company's name wasn't "Read the M*****F****** Documentation, Inc".

-UIM

Compare with...

http://www.catb.org/jargon/html/R/RTBM.html
http://www.catb.org/jargon/html/R/RTFB.html
http://www.catb.org/jargon/html/R/RTFM.html
http://www.catb.org/jargon/html/R/RTFS.html
http://www.catb.org/jargon/html/R/RTS.html

#FictionalConversations

A: "Quit your random scribbling, and show our databases some love."
B: "Sorry, but our databases are on my 'Enemies-with-Drawbacks' list."
C: "I guess that's better than a 'Friends-with-Cost/Benefit-Analyses' list."

#RepressedSarcasm

"She got the gold mine; I got the arsenic poisoning."

#RepressedAnger

"Has everyone been drinking wine out of lead-lined containers?  Have they been licking mercury-laced lollipops?"

#RepressedAnger

"They are the Im-mul-inati.  They get everything backwards, and refuse to ever admit it."

from the back files: A sentence I have spoken today.

From: UIM
Sent: Tuesday, December 10, 2013 11:05 AM
Subject: A sentence I have spoken today.

"Well, my mom used to say, 'You sit up nights thinking of ways to drive me crazy.'  It never made her feel better to hear that it was all natural improv talent."

-UIM.

Sign language.

(This compresses and streamlines three different conversations over a couple of days.)
Her: "Yes, you think you are hilarious."
Me: "Maybe for Christmas, I should get you a nice set of signs, so you can save your voice for important stuff."
Her: "What?"
Me: "Well, you know, such as 'Yes, you've told this anecdote before.'"
Her: "Could be useful."
Me: (Mimes holding up independent signs.) "'He think's he funny; we're not sure why.'  'Oh my god, please stop singing.'"
Her: "Ooh!  That would be good."
Me: "'No one wants to hear that old comedy routine.'"
Her: "Keep going, you're talking me into it."
Me:"'Thank you, Useless Information Man.'"
Her: "Of course, there's two flaws with this plan."
Me: "One: I never follow through on any of my plans."
Her: "And Two: none of these signs would stop you in the slightest."
Me: (Mock-sweet-and-cute) "Thank you for loving me just the way I am."
Her: (Mimes holding up a sign.) "Yes, you think you are hilarious."