I wish I had thought of this line 20 years ago.

You can test any case you want
At analysis restaurant.

from the back files: data gnomes

An e-mail chain from Oct 2009.

UIM: Well, the morning full symbol database load should be happening soon, so maybe some magic will happen, and the suspiciously-merry data gnomes will carry the symbol into the editing interface.

Developer: Didn't anyone tell you? The IBDG Local 334 is on strike. We've been trying to hire scabs, but the gnomes hired bridge trolls to keep anyone from breaking the picket line.

UIM: I had wondered why a wav file of “Joe Hill” launched when I opened the editing interface this morning.  Apparently, we never loaded the reagan32.dll to prevent this sort of thing.

from the back files: sharing one's emotions at work.

From: UIM
Sent: Monday, October 26, 2009 3:06 PM
Subject: sharing one's emotions at work.
"If only we can modulate the waves of depression that UIM emanates, so that we can encode information.  Expect to be used as an inbound NIC when the devs are ready to test the TCP/BLAH protocol. "


(Current note: writing it today, I might name it the TCP/BPD protocol.)

When that doctor asked me, 'Son, how'd you get in this condition?'

Last summer, while at a cousin's wedding weekend, I was talking with my brother, Shell, and quoted myself, "I accept that we come from the 'hold my beer and watch this' demographic."
Shell: "F**k that, I'll do it one-handed. I'm not letting anyone touch my beer."
UIM: "Hm.  Yeah.  That is more accurate to our family traditions."

Bears and popes and such

Two different conversations within the last year.

---

(Sitting at home, while my wife, Frage, points out I may have gone too far with my humor.)
Frage: “But you just had to poke the bear with a short stick.”
Frage: (UIM voice) “Well, why did you bring a bear here to begin with?”
Frage: (different voice) “Well, there’s no sign saying bears aren’t allowed.”
(UIM cackles.)
UIM: “See?  Isn’t fun to do both sides of the argument?”
Frage: “When I do it, yes.  Not so much when you do it.”

---

(Riding in the car on the way up to the suburbs.)
Frage: “You’re wrong.”
UIM: “Wait? Am I in a forest?”
Frage: “I don’t know.  Do you see a pope sh*tting?”
UIM: “I see a bear in a pope hat.”



Note: The "If a man speaks in the forest" joke is one of the first jokes my wife told me after we started dating.  Hence, it's more "couple shorthand" and less "UIM really believes that crap."

Truths and useful phrases from a previous boss.

"Thank you for your two cents, but I'm afraid you've got change coming back."

"Go sell that crazy somewhere else."

"If the high point is the tree catching on fire, then I just won't bother with Christmas."

"Yeah, that's it - we smoked the pooch right there."


"I don't want anyone horizontal on those couches.  When people go horizontal, stuff starts coming out of them."

This happens two or three times a day at work...

... as I make mistakes.

Me: "What are you doing, UIM?"
Me: "F**king up."
Me: "Okay, as long as you know what you're doing."

(Yes, it's kind of a Heathers reference.)