We work well together.

As my sweetheart and I walked along Lawrence Avenue, on our way to get llunch and to do errands, we passed a taqueria that had "Free-Wifi" and "Special Taco $1.50 Tuesday and Thursday" signs stacked too close together in the window.

Me: "Free wi-fi special taco."
Her: "What?"
Me: "The signs in the window.  I don't know what a wi-fi taco would be."
Her: "Of course."
Me: "I don't even know how one could eat a digital taco."
Her: "Open your mouth really wide."
Me: "Man, worst superhero name ever."
Her: "Open your mouth really wide?"
Me: "I meant 'Digital Taco' ."
Her: "My suggestion is worse."
Me: "But superhero names are never imperative sentences.  Nobody is going to trust 'Captain Let's Get the Hell Out of Here.' Or the superhero invoked by all kids traveling with siblings, 'The Amazing Stop Touching Me Stop Touching Me Mom Make Him Stop Touching Me' ."

Truth be told, it is one of the better battle cries I am likely to yell.

One of the earlier times when my girlfriend were doing laundry together, I had to spend some time purging all of my socks that have been falling apart.

This somehow led to "Check my sock holes!" as a pseudo-insult, or profanity replacement.

#ThisDidntActuallyHappen

"NO!  DON'T ASK!  He'll bring back the Amish Transformers jokes!  I don't want to hear about ObadiahPrime and the Plainbots ANY MORE!"

#UnworkableIdeas

"And now, the Fourth Annual Tournament of Lingerie Parade, sponsored by Frederick's of Hollywood."

#RepressedSarcasm

"He's Victor von Doom's special-needs brother."

#FictionalConversations

A: "He's in the men's room, painting his face and chest blue, and muttering about blood."
B: "Yeeeeah.  Time to break for lunch."

#RepressedAnger

"Not just failure.  We keep setting ourselves up for Apocalypse."

#EnthusiasticNonsense

"Let's go roller-skate on the abandoned roof!"

#RepressedAnger

"Man, if we ran the Death Star, you wouldn't even need a rebel strike force.  One pissed-off Wookie could punch a junction box and the damn thing would detonate."

#EnthusiasticNonsense

"Hand over your noodle product with all due speed!!"

#FictionalConversations

A: "What twisted viciousness are you unleashing?"
B: "It involves eighty Nerf arrows, a gallon of glue, and three pissed-off squirrels."

A comment from back in 2010, when various family members flew to Florida.

"Angry men with beards get special attention at the airport nowadays."

The Troubleshooter's Lament

No one likes the guy with facts.
He makes them try to wield an axe.
Correcting errors often cracks
Folks' self-control, and spurs attacks.

#EnthusiasticNonsense

"Come, and let me gurgle sweet null-values into your pretty little SQL table."

#RepressedAnger

"Hearing her voice feels like angry Norse dwarves punching my gut."

#FictionalConversations

A: "What is up with your pheromones?"
B: "I adjusted the chemistry to smell like chocolate and new shoes."

#RepressedSarcasm

"Everybody wants the magic flavoring."

#FictionalConversations

A: "Pelt them with almonds!"
B: "Stupidest. Cyanide delivery system.  Ever."

#EnthusiasticNonsense

"Pack up, thumpasaurus peoples!  We are on the grooove, and IT IS MIGHTY!"

#RepressedSarcasm

"My mojo is on strike for better groove conditions."

#FictionalConversations

A: "Seriously - E. B. White would blast you with a shotgun."
B: "Just don't let James Thurber aim a bow-and-arrow at me."

#RepressedAnger

"I shall pelt you with sticky worms, then set loose the crazed attack geese."

#FictionalConversations

A: "Hear my words, and tremble before my power!  I am coo-coo for Cocoa Puffs!"
B: "Man, I can't wait until 'coo-coo for Cocoa Puffs' makes it into the DSM."

#ThisDidntActuallyHappen

"According to the affadavits, they had a separate area filled with comics and action figures, which they referred to as the 'von Doom Room'. "

#FictionalConversations

A: "Nobody ever says 'hung like an Eeyore', right?"
B: "Well, considering what happened to his tail..."

#RepressedAnger

"Some folks ruffle my feathers.  You pluck my wings, then bitch at me when I can't fly."

It's like he hasn't known me for 24 years.

Lunch with Taoiseach today
I was blabbering the stripped-down version of my move-out drama.
Taoiseach: "So, if you don't go into your storage lockers for a year, you should be able to look at the pile and decide you can get rid of it."
UIM: "Yeah, if I was capable of that level of rationality, I wouldn't need two 10x10 storage lockers."

@midnight #hashtagwars #oldermusicians

Iron Deficient Maiden
Accessibility Van Halen
Ohio Mah-Jongg Players
Metal-Hip-ica
Men at Retirement

#RepressedSarcasm

“I’m just tired of having to go back to the Wonderful Wizard of Oops, and begging him to get it right this time.”

Stutter-steps towards a better me: Trying to replace profanity when I am angry

FUTHARK (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Elder_Futhark)

FUZZBUCKET

FUSSBUDGET

PUSBUCKET

CRABNUGGETS

MUDPUZZLE

DUBGUPPY

BUGDUMPER

TUGPUMPER

HUGLUMPER

MUGBUMPER

GRUBLUGGER

GRASS-VOLE

DICE-TOLL

from the back files: Obligatory personal note on an e-mail discussion about gun control.

From: UIM

Sent: Monday, November 11, 2013 12:52 PM

ObligatoryPersonalNote: Somewhere around age 14 I realized I should not pursue my desires to become a police detective, as I realized that people with my crappy temper should not carry firearms....