Heh heh heh.

UIM: "I love you."
Frage: "I love you too. We just said that. That's twice in one minute."
UIM: "Yeah, but I was 2 hours late, so I have to say it more often, so that it averages out."
Frage: "So, what: whenever I wake up, you're going to say it, just to keep your average going?"
UIM: "Well, whenever you wake up..."
(Pause.)
(UIM grins evilly.)
UIM: "...before you put on your makeup...  I say a little prayer for you."
Frage: "Get out."
(UIM leaves the room, chuckling.)
(A minute passes.)
Frage: (calling out) "Now I have Julia Roberts in my head, damn you..."

#ThisDidn'tActuallyHappen

A: “What’s he doing?”
B: “Apparently, attempting ritual belly-cutting via a frozen ice cream snack.”

#ThisDidntActuallyHappen

“He’s at his desk, holding a can of Coke Zero to his chest, rocking back and forth, and whimpering softly.”

#ThisDidntActuallyHappen

“He’s updating all his work tickets with the lyrics to Ozzy’s ‘Suicide Solution’, and all his document links are to the Jack Daniels website, so maybe it’s time for an intervention.”

work discussions: we are so metal‏

(Installing and configuring local code repository.)

Boss: “Well, we’ve gone as far as we can with these instructions, and now we’re following our own track.”

Me: “I’m sorry, but I hear that as ‘We’re rolling off the rails on a crazy train.’ “

Boss: “Somewhat true.”

(Later)

Boss: “I’m not entirely sure this will work.  So, hold my breath.”

Me: (singing) “As I wish for death.”

Just So You Know

I will probably arrange to have bagpipers at my funeral.

However, they will only play “It’s a Long Way to the Top (If You Wanna Rock n Roll)”

My Poor Boss, Part 2

Boss: “We have to report what our goals for 2015 are, and before I send anything upstairs, I want to make sure that I include anything you think we need to do.  Have you any suggestions?”

UIM: “Conquer Belgium.”

(Pause).

UIM: “It’s got to be easier than convincing our vendor to change things we don’t like.”

Boss: “And have you asked the Belgians how the feel about this?”

Colleague: “Well, Belgian society has a great deal of tension between the Walloons and the Flemish, so you really wouldn’t get widespread support, anyway.”

Can't even come up with a pithy subject line for this one.‏

(A colleague walks past me really early in the shift.)
Colleague: “UIM.”
(UIM takes off his headphones.)
Colleague: “There’s some chocolate cake in the kitchen. You can have some for breakfast.”
(Sad pause.)
UIM: “Man, I’m not actually comfortable quoting Cosby routines now. It’s like I wasted my entire childhood listening to the same 8 albums.”

Status update: ... aaaand the summmer was gone, like that.

Between prepping for family visits, and dealing with the new and interesting ways my body chose to betray me, the summer went by in a snap of the fingers.

I have found that brushing the cranky older female cat makes her seem to like me a little more, although it doesn't convince her she shouldn't pick random moments through the night to start meowing at nothing.

Eh.  It was worth a shot.

Gel-Foam-ah's Witness‏

“Hello. I wanted to talk with you about accepting the power of NERF in your life.”

Vrooom

So, yeah, going through certain groups of toys, and getting rid of a majority of them.

(Frage stumbles out into the living room to see UIM awash in a sea of Hot Wheels cars, Speed Wheels cars, Matchbox Cars, and larger-size die-cast.)
Frage: “It’s 10:30.  I thought you said you were going to bed early.”
UIM: “I know, but I felt the need to go through this.  Most of this is going.” 

(Pause)

UIM: “Pay no attention to the pile of Camaros on the couch.”

Bumper Sticker on a Chariot in Spain.

“If it wasn’t for us Romans, you’d all be speaking P-Celtic.”

#RepressedAnger, #RepressedSarcasm, #INeedToStayEmployed

Developer: "I can undo the code with the memory leak, but that would add back the deadlock problem."
Boss: "I do not endorse adding back deadlocks."
UIM: (thinks) "Can we also make sure we stop adding Grimlocks?"

My Poor Boss

(My boss stops by my desk to assign me a project.)
UIM: “Ok, I’ll work on that. How are you otherwise?”
Boss: “I am doing well. How are you?”
UIM: “Ticking along like a Timex strapped to the horn of a rhino, while John…” (pause) “..who was that newscaster who did those sorts of Timex commercials in the 50s? Anyway, ticking along like that.”
Boss: (that look) “I… I… I haven’t thought about those commercials… in decades..” (starts to get up from the chair)
UIM: “No one has had a sane reason to.” (mutters to self) “John… Cam…. Cameron….”
(My boss stands, and makes the turn around my cubicle to go back to his.)
UIM: “John Cameron Swayze. That’s it.”
(My boss stops briefly, intensifies the weird look, and shakes his head.)
(I dissolve into cackles and giggles while my boss walks back to his own cubicle.)

Quick status update.

Things are going well enough.

Weather is nice in bursts, so I've again started making lunch dates with cow-orkers whom I've known and liked for years.

Frage and I are straightening up the home a little each night.

I've been throwing a few more gags and emails from the back files into this web log, in no particular pattern, but assigned to the dates I originally wrote them.

I'm not saying that I feel quite like a room without a roof, but things are okay.

#FictionalConversations

A: "So, how's the relationship going?"

B: "Well, his depression seems to be kicking into overdrive."

A: "How so?"

B: "When I write him a 'good morning' e-mail now, his response is 'Nos morituri te salutamus'."

A: "So, you're gonna spike his morning soda with Lexapro, I guess?"

Why UIM is not a rapper. (#001)

"If you're having girl problems
I feel bad for you, son.
I got 99 problems, but
a female love interest with significantly different goals and bad communication skills
is not one."

Those who opppose his mighty shield must mope.

I saw Captain America: The Winter Soldier with my cousin on the weekend that the film opened.

I really liked that movie, but I did have one giggle fit during the final showdown between Cap and the Winter Soldier.

Whenever I saw Sebastian Stan in this movie, with his hair grown out, I kept thinking, "He looks like a member of My Chemical Romance."

So, in the final fight, as Cap pleads with Winter Soldier to stop fighting him, the WS keeps screaming "No!" and throwing things at Cap.

And I'm stifling the giggles and I'm thinking, "Emo Action Sequences!"

As I watched my mother dye sweaters by hand...

Normally, I don't do silly lyrics to Metallica songs, because some things should remain sacred.

While Frage was up visiting her dad a couple weeks ago, though, I found myself wandering around home, mangling the Metallica cover of "Am I Evil?"

"My mother loves to knit
Blankets miles wide.
She's been nearly squashed to bits
By all the yarn she buys."

I'd share this with my knitting-addicted mother, but given that she's never going to be familiar with the heavy metal genre, it really won't resonate with her.

Editor's note

From this point on, my fiancee will be referred to with the alias "Frage"