#FictionalConversations

A: "Pelt them with almonds!"
B: "Stupidest. Cyanide delivery system.  Ever."

#EnthusiasticNonsense

"Pack up, thumpasaurus peoples!  We are on the grooove, and IT IS MIGHTY!"

#RepressedSarcasm

"My mojo is on strike for better groove conditions."

#FictionalConversations

A: "Seriously - E. B. White would blast you with a shotgun."
B: "Just don't let James Thurber aim a bow-and-arrow at me."

#RepressedAnger

"I shall pelt you with sticky worms, then set loose the crazed attack geese."

#FictionalConversations

A: "Hear my words, and tremble before my power!  I am coo-coo for Cocoa Puffs!"
B: "Man, I can't wait until 'coo-coo for Cocoa Puffs' makes it into the DSM."

#ThisDidntActuallyHappen

"According to the affadavits, they had a separate area filled with comics and action figures, which they referred to as the 'von Doom Room'. "

#FictionalConversations

A: "Nobody ever says 'hung like an Eeyore', right?"
B: "Well, considering what happened to his tail..."

#RepressedAnger

"Some folks ruffle my feathers.  You pluck my wings, then bitch at me when I can't fly."

It's like he hasn't known me for 24 years.

Lunch with Taoiseach today
I was blabbering the stripped-down version of my move-out drama.
Taoiseach: "So, if you don't go into your storage lockers for a year, you should be able to look at the pile and decide you can get rid of it."
UIM: "Yeah, if I was capable of that level of rationality, I wouldn't need two 10x10 storage lockers."

@midnight #hashtagwars #oldermusicians

Iron Deficient Maiden
Accessibility Van Halen
Ohio Mah-Jongg Players
Metal-Hip-ica
Men at Retirement

#RepressedSarcasm

“I’m just tired of having to go back to the Wonderful Wizard of Oops, and begging him to get it right this time.”

Stutter-steps towards a better me: Trying to replace profanity when I am angry

FUTHARK (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Elder_Futhark)

FUZZBUCKET

FUSSBUDGET

PUSBUCKET

CRABNUGGETS

MUDPUZZLE

DUBGUPPY

BUGDUMPER

TUGPUMPER

HUGLUMPER

MUGBUMPER

GRUBLUGGER

GRASS-VOLE

DICE-TOLL

from the back files: Obligatory personal note on an e-mail discussion about gun control.

From: UIM

Sent: Monday, November 11, 2013 12:52 PM

ObligatoryPersonalNote: Somewhere around age 14 I realized I should not pursue my desires to become a police detective, as I realized that people with my crappy temper should not carry firearms....

October visit to Southern California

We're standing on the Santa Monica pier, with the temp in the low 70s.
Me: "So, wait, it's still October here in California?"
Her: "Yes, dear."
Me: "Okay, I can finally understand why people tolerate the earthquakes, mudslides, and wildfires."

from the back files: I don't understand the world, but I don't understand my own brain, either. So, I guess it all evens out.

From: UIM

Sent: Wednesday, October 23, 2013 8:07 AM

Subject: I don't understand the world, but I don't understand my own brain, either. So, I guess it all evens out.

So, my subconscious burped up a gag from the first season of Growing Pains, where Mike is trying to con his dad into paying for karate lessons.

So, I searched for it on the internet.

And the only link I found with it was a site that apparently helps teach English via old sitcom scripts.

http://www.wwenglish.com/en/club/gp/5384.htm

106. Jason: That's important to you, is it?

107. Mike: Oh, yeah dad. I mean without discipline dad, each one of us is like a waterless craft in the sea of conflicting desires. And you know what, Dad? I need the rudder that karate will give me.

108. Jason: I see. So what you're saying is that you're taking karate to reach the spiritual state of...Don Ho.

109. Mike: Right, Don Ho.

110. Jason: Mike. Don Ho is the Hawaiian singer who recorded " Tiny bubbles".

111. Mike: Right. Very spiritual guy.

She is not necessarily thrilled with me building a quote list.

(After I found some quotes from the month before and shared them again...)
"And yet, you wrote it down, word for word, to read it at me when I am at my weakest."

Tear the roof off the sucker.

17 Oct 2013
(Frage and UIM are walking down the street.)
Frage: "Weee got the funk."
Frage and UIM: "Gotta have that funk. Weeee need the funk.  Gotta get that funk."
UIM: "Got a real kind of thing going down getting down, there's a whole lot of rhythm goin round."
Frage: "See, lyrics are your shiny object.  I just have to say one line and it distracts you."
UIM: "Yes, but it's sort of entrapment, because you get annoyed when I continue."
Frage: "Well, I'd like you to finish sooner.  Me, one line, and I'm done."
UIM: "It happens a lot as we get older."
Frage: "Let's stop calling me old, okay?"
UIM: "We're both old.  We're just two years away from telling kids to put down their Nintendos and get off our lawns."
Frage: "We've always been like that.  That's not age; it's a personality crack."
UIM: "Which is better than a crack personality."

Four years, a lot of emotional mileage, and a lot of bewilderment

Friends don't let friends post bewildered, of course.

But, I am still around, and still crappy at staying in touch with people.

But there have been some heavy changes since I killed the previous incarnation of the GWBench.

Dad passed away in the summer of 2010. It was a quick downhill slide for him between late April and Late August - pancreatic cancer. I would not wish that one anyone, even the people I have hated. (By contrast, I probably would wish upon people I hate something like... well, bedbugs in their urethras.)

Mom retired from working last year, and has to confront that her packrat tendencies have complicated her life. She's making changes, and generally, I think she is happier.

And since the fall of 2010, I have been dating a woman who still seems to like me. I just finished moving in with her a few weeks ago, and I am dealing with the constant challenges of NOT FUCKING THIS RELATIONSHIP UP.

But I am slightly smarter than I was 10 years ago. And I am more practiced at accepting that my immediate emotional response to anything probably should not guide my behavior.  And maybe we've got a good shot at a healthy relationship.

I will try to get back in touch with the people I care about.

Once more, until you hear from me, may peace and love and happiness fill your life to overflowing.

Often times, she does not find me as funny as I think I am.

Me: "Honey, I'm out of tissues.  Do you have any tissue packets?"
Her: "Of course." (rummages in her bag, hands me a packet.) "Who's the best girlfriend ever?"
Me: "Charlize Theron.  But you are a close second."
Her: (GLARE.)