Just So You Know

I will probably arrange to have bagpipers at my funeral.

However, they will only play “It’s a Long Way to the Top (If You Wanna Rock n Roll)”

My Poor Boss, Part 2

Boss: “We have to report what our goals for 2015 are, and before I send anything upstairs, I want to make sure that I include anything you think we need to do.  Have you any suggestions?”

UIM: “Conquer Belgium.”

(Pause).

UIM: “It’s got to be easier than convincing our vendor to change things we don’t like.”

Boss: “And have you asked the Belgians how the feel about this?”

Colleague: “Well, Belgian society has a great deal of tension between the Walloons and the Flemish, so you really wouldn’t get widespread support, anyway.”

Can't even come up with a pithy subject line for this one.‏

(A colleague walks past me really early in the shift.)
Colleague: “UIM.”
(UIM takes off his headphones.)
Colleague: “There’s some chocolate cake in the kitchen. You can have some for breakfast.”
(Sad pause.)
UIM: “Man, I’m not actually comfortable quoting Cosby routines now. It’s like I wasted my entire childhood listening to the same 8 albums.”

Status update: ... aaaand the summmer was gone, like that.

Between prepping for family visits, and dealing with the new and interesting ways my body chose to betray me, the summer went by in a snap of the fingers.

I have found that brushing the cranky older female cat makes her seem to like me a little more, although it doesn't convince her she shouldn't pick random moments through the night to start meowing at nothing.

Eh.  It was worth a shot.

Gel-Foam-ah's Witness‏

“Hello. I wanted to talk with you about accepting the power of NERF in your life.”

Vrooom

So, yeah, going through certain groups of toys, and getting rid of a majority of them.

(Frage stumbles out into the living room to see UIM awash in a sea of Hot Wheels cars, Speed Wheels cars, Matchbox Cars, and larger-size die-cast.)
Frage: “It’s 10:30.  I thought you said you were going to bed early.”
UIM: “I know, but I felt the need to go through this.  Most of this is going.” 

(Pause)

UIM: “Pay no attention to the pile of Camaros on the couch.”

Bumper Sticker on a Chariot in Spain.

“If it wasn’t for us Romans, you’d all be speaking P-Celtic.”

#RepressedAnger, #RepressedSarcasm, #INeedToStayEmployed

Developer: "I can undo the code with the memory leak, but that would add back the deadlock problem."
Boss: "I do not endorse adding back deadlocks."
UIM: (thinks) "Can we also make sure we stop adding Grimlocks?"

My Poor Boss

(My boss stops by my desk to assign me a project.)
UIM: “Ok, I’ll work on that. How are you otherwise?”
Boss: “I am doing well. How are you?”
UIM: “Ticking along like a Timex strapped to the horn of a rhino, while John…” (pause) “..who was that newscaster who did those sorts of Timex commercials in the 50s? Anyway, ticking along like that.”
Boss: (that look) “I… I… I haven’t thought about those commercials… in decades..” (starts to get up from the chair)
UIM: “No one has had a sane reason to.” (mutters to self) “John… Cam…. Cameron….”
(My boss stands, and makes the turn around my cubicle to go back to his.)
UIM: “John Cameron Swayze. That’s it.”
(My boss stops briefly, intensifies the weird look, and shakes his head.)
(I dissolve into cackles and giggles while my boss walks back to his own cubicle.)

Quick status update.

Things are going well enough.

Weather is nice in bursts, so I've again started making lunch dates with cow-orkers whom I've known and liked for years.

Frage and I are straightening up the home a little each night.

I've been throwing a few more gags and emails from the back files into this web log, in no particular pattern, but assigned to the dates I originally wrote them.

I'm not saying that I feel quite like a room without a roof, but things are okay.

#FictionalConversations

A: "So, how's the relationship going?"

B: "Well, his depression seems to be kicking into overdrive."

A: "How so?"

B: "When I write him a 'good morning' e-mail now, his response is 'Nos morituri te salutamus'."

A: "So, you're gonna spike his morning soda with Lexapro, I guess?"

Why UIM is not a rapper. (#001)

"If you're having girl problems
I feel bad for you, son.
I got 99 problems, but
a female love interest with significantly different goals and bad communication skills
is not one."

Those who opppose his mighty shield must mope.

I saw Captain America: The Winter Soldier with my cousin on the weekend that the film opened.

I really liked that movie, but I did have one giggle fit during the final showdown between Cap and the Winter Soldier.

Whenever I saw Sebastian Stan in this movie, with his hair grown out, I kept thinking, "He looks like a member of My Chemical Romance."

So, in the final fight, as Cap pleads with Winter Soldier to stop fighting him, the WS keeps screaming "No!" and throwing things at Cap.

And I'm stifling the giggles and I'm thinking, "Emo Action Sequences!"

As I watched my mother dye sweaters by hand...

Normally, I don't do silly lyrics to Metallica songs, because some things should remain sacred.

While Frage was up visiting her dad a couple weeks ago, though, I found myself wandering around home, mangling the Metallica cover of "Am I Evil?"

"My mother loves to knit
Blankets miles wide.
She's been nearly squashed to bits
By all the yarn she buys."

I'd share this with my knitting-addicted mother, but given that she's never going to be familiar with the heavy metal genre, it really won't resonate with her.

Editor's note

From this point on, my fiancee will be referred to with the alias "Frage"

#RepressedSarcasm

"Go string your violin, Sherlock."

Passing comments, realizations, and empathy for others.

(One Sunday morning, at breakfast with my cousin, `Backer, killing time before the movie we went to see.)
UIM: "I accept that we come from the 'hold my beer and watch this' demographic.' "

#RepressedSarcasm

"It might even be boombastic.  I'm not sure.  I haven't checked the error log yet."

Trips Down Memory Sewer: "Blasted kids. Where's the whiskey?"

Back at the start of 1996, New Year's weekend, I was up in Connecticut at Purge's condo with the hometown posse, and amongst the nerdery was a session of the Star Wars role-playing game.

I no longer recall whether I chose this template for my character, or I was awarded it by popular demand.

http://d6holocron.com/wiki/index.php?title=Failed_Jedi_(Template)

All I know is I failed every roll I made, and wound up tied to a medical table on a smuggling ship (owned and piloted by Metrocake's character), being tortured by a demented Ewok (played by Tempest's best friend) while Doc was failing every roll as a protocol droid trying to help me get away from the demented Ewok.

"The dark side kept calling, and things never worked quite the way you wanted them to."

Good times.  Good times.

#FictionalConversations and #RepressedSarcasm

A: "What dreadful threat will next menace our stalwart heroes?"
B: "Futons."

#RepressedSarcasm

"You are the polar opposite of fergalicous."

#EnthusiasticNonsense

"It's the futhark era, funked up with a Viking twist."

#RepressedAnger

"Your insanity inspires people to punch your mother."

BOLO: A couple in their forties, being weird near the milk products...

(UIM and Frage are standing in the dairy aisle at Target.)
(Behind them, another customer is on the phone relating the various berry flavors of yogurt which are available.)
Frage: "Well, they don't have the brands I want."
UIM: "I just hope they have snozberry flavor."
Frage: (pats UIM on the shoulder) "Maybe someday they will have it for you."
(Frage leans in close.)
Frage: "Or maybe they'll have dingleberry flavor for you."
(Frage and UIM crack up laughing.)
UIM: "Ew.  Tastes like a Tea Party screed."
(Frage and UIM crack up laughing harder, gasping for air.)
UIM: " ' There's this weird couple, walks into various Targets, and stands around laughing in the dairy aisle.'  I don't want to be on a Target corporate Wanted poster."

Maybe we've got a motto there. Let's translate it into Latin and stick it under a shield.

UIM: "Well, I'm sorry I pushed the joke too far."
Frage: "No, you be you, honey."
UIM: "Awwww."
Frage: "And suffer the consequences."
UIM: "Grrrr."

Nothing you can do sometimes, because MFBC

(While in a cab on the way to work one morning, thanks to Metra trains running way behind, we discussed certain untrustworthy processes at my workplace.)
Frage: "I argued that, on the business end, but I'm sorry I couldn't stop the insanity."
UIM: "You couldn't have stopped the insanity, because no one is going to listen to the sane.  You could only have stopped it with worse insanity, because Motherf^{kers Be Crazy."
(Pause.)
UIM: " ' Hey, why do UIM and Frage have matching tattoos of MFBC on their clavicles?'  'Because Motherf^{kers Be Crazy.' "
Frage: "We might have to use it as the monogram on our wedding invitations."

That's the sound of the man working in the data gang.

(On Take Your Children to Work Day, my boss had to run a small stock-trading simulation game with the kids.)
(He spent a few minutes prepping me and my colleague for our parts.)
My boss: "If it all goes off the rails, I may have to ask you gentlemen to describe your jobs in 30 seconds."
Me: "Uh, boss?  What is my job description?"
(Pause, as my boss of 8 years stares at me exactly how you imagine he would.)
Me: "Because I've never successfully explained my job in 30 seconds.  Or without profanity."

We don't let him plan things. It's for everybody's safety.

(Frage comes through the living room as UIM watches music videos on demand.)
UIM: "Hey, sweetie, what do you think about this as your entrance music at the wedding?"
(UIM presses play, and Ludacris appears on tv.)
Ludacris: "My chick bad, my chick hood.  My chick do stuff your chick wish she could."
Frage: "I'd be worried and offended if I believed you were serious."

So much drama in Cook County.

We're getting ready for a car trip up to her dad's.  I'm coming back down to the city that evening to return the rental car.
Her: "So, what are your plans for the rest of the weekend?"
Me: "Oh, you know." (Pause.) "Rollin' down the street; smokin' indo; sippin' on gin and juice."
Her: "Make sure you take the cats with you.  April-kitty does love her gin and juice."

East Coast-West Coast strife

We're watching the music video for "Happy", by Pharrell Willliams.
Her: "Hey, it's MJ."
Me: "No, that's not Michael Jordan, that's Magic -" (pause) "oh."
Her: "Yeah, hello, Lakers' girl here."
Me: "I had wondered about all those purple and gold shorts you have."

Security through obscenity?

(We were listening to the radio show, "Wait Wait Don't Tell Me", as Paula Poundstone goes on a mini-rant about passwords.)
Paula Poundstone: "I cannot come up with any more passwords.  It's why I have 16 cats."
Her: "So, Useless Information Man, is that why you know so many porn performer names?"
Me: "I assure you, when I started down that road of depravity in fall of 1987, computer security was not one of my concerns."

We'll never stop; we'll never quit; cause we're wed-allica.

(Discussing songs for the wedding)
Her: "You know, I do want to include songs that mean something to you.  You can have a Metallica song in there."
Me: "They only have one love song, 'Nothing Else Matters', and I don't like it much, and two of my friends had it at their weddings, anyway."

#ThisDidntActuallyHappen

"I'll quote my dad's Ballsac Droop rule - the more time you spend hanging around an a$$#0le, the more likely folks will have to tell you that you stink."

#FictionalConversations

A; "When she finishes my sentences, I call her 'Psi-Judge Anderson'. This annoys her enough to stop talking to me for a few hours."
B: "Promise me you won't ever write any relationship books."

#RepressedAnger

"Retreat, thou cackling dunghen!"

#ThisDidntActuallyHappen,

"He has openly declared that all lottery winnings will be spent in dimly-lit neon-accented rooms with flimsily-dressed bottle blondes."

#FictionalConversations

A: "So, what you been up to?"
B: "Dreaming of vigilante justice."
(Pause)
A: "Are you the terror that flaps in the night?"

#RepressedAnger

"The evil that developers write lives on and  must be maintained."

#FictionalConversations AND #RepressedAnger

A: "And we'll make a lovely dress for Cinderelly."
B: "Shut up and hand me some cheese."

#EnthusiasticNonsense

"It is time to establish our funk hegemony."

#RepressedAnger

"Fun is only a pneumatic drill rental away."

#FictionalConversations

A: "So, I was working my mojo on her -"
B: "You don't have a mojo.  You might have a mojito."
C: "I thought we sprayed for mojitos."
B: "No, but we did plant a Squeamish Vibe-Trap."

#RepressedSarcasm

"Shiny happy people eating paint."

I always assume everyone thinks this, in response to anything I say.

"And why should I listen to the depressed scribbling guy hunched in the corner?"

#EnthusiasticNonsense

"What up, essayist?"

And sometimes, in a meeting, the sarcasm goes unrepressed.

“I’m not sure that the guy who is five minutes late to every meeting should be the guy enforcing standards.”

This could yield another useful acronym.

A phrase I heard quoted from a British police report:

"... drink-related anti-social behavior ..."

DRASB.

I think this acronym should show up in most of the posts on Texts from Last Night.

"Was I quiet when I blacked out, or full-on DRASB?"
"You DRASBed up the place, broheim."

#ThisDidntActuallyHappen

"He's no longer allowed to utter the words 'groove', 'funk', 'thang', 'bling', 'booty', 'mojo', 'boo-ya', or 'sesquipedalian'.  We are allowed to enforce this ban with fair-to-middling prejudice "

#FictionalConversations

A: "Well, you can't, you won't, and you don't stop."
B: "Try task manager."

#RepressedSarcasm

"Sales promotions?  That's what Tiggers do best!"

#RepressedAnger

"Our crash detection system is an unwilling bystander strapped to our hood."

#RepressedSarcasm

"The closest he gets to 'warm fuzzies' is 'asbestos'. "

#RepressedAnger

"Nobody trusts your groove thang."

If you have a problem, if no one else can help, and if you can find them, maybe you can hire....

"I deeply enjoy it when a blueprint is properly executed."
....
"He's on the free-form extemporaneous improvisation."
...
"I feel deep sorrow for the weak-minded individual."

#RepressedAnger

"Bring me the epiglotti of the fools who assail me!"

from the back files, 2010 - discussions after a comic convention.

One of my work colleagues was asking me about C2E2, and then opining that as the father of a small daughter himself, taking pictures of the cosplayers was even more fraught with peril.
At which point I wrote the following fictional conversation....

Her: “A-HEM.”
Him: “Yeah, hon?”
Her: “Who are all these women on your digital camera?”
Him: “It’s not just women. There’s pictures of the Batmobile and the Delorean, too. And this is the 501rst Legion. And there’s Jack Sparrow.”
Her: “Captain Jack Sparrow.”
Him: “Right, hon.”
Her: “And why is SHE holding our daughter?”
Him: “Well, it’s a thematic thing, hon. Our daughter is wearing a Supergirl costume, and that woman is dressed up like Power Girl, who is actually Supergirl’s Earth-Two version…”
Her: “You mean someone designed that top deliberately for a superhero? And published it?”
Him: “A bunch of dirty old men in the 70’s. I believe.”
Her: “And this poster you bought?” (http://www.dccomics.com/dcdirect/?dcd=11401 )
Him: “Adam Hughes draws really well, and he signed it for her right here.”
Her: “And you think it’s going up in our daughter’s room?”
Him: “These are all positive role models – well, okay, except for Catwoman, Harley Quinn and Poison Ivy…”
Her: “You’re sleeping on the couch this week.”

#RepressedSarcasm

"Well, I'm looking at the man in the mirror, asking him to change his ways. He's just telling me to f^{k off.."