A: "Hear my words, and tremble before my power! I am coo-coo for Cocoa Puffs!"
B: "Man, I can't wait until 'coo-coo for Cocoa Puffs' makes it into the DSM."
B: "Man, I can't wait until 'coo-coo for Cocoa Puffs' makes it into the DSM."
Wednesday, November 27, 2013
#ThisDidntActuallyHappen
"According to the affadavits, they had a separate area filled with comics and action figures, which they referred to as the 'von Doom Room'. "
#FictionalConversations
A: "Nobody ever says 'hung like an Eeyore', right?"
B: "Well, considering what happened to his tail..."
B: "Well, considering what happened to his tail..."
#RepressedAnger
"Some folks ruffle my feathers. You pluck my wings, then bitch at me when I can't fly."
Tuesday, November 19, 2013
It's like he hasn't known me for 24 years.
Lunch with Taoiseach today
I was blabbering the stripped-down version of my move-out drama.
Taoiseach: "So, if you don't go into your storage lockers for a year, you should be able to look at the pile and decide you can get rid of it."
UIM: "Yeah, if I was capable of that level of rationality, I wouldn't need two 10x10 storage lockers."
I was blabbering the stripped-down version of my move-out drama.
Taoiseach: "So, if you don't go into your storage lockers for a year, you should be able to look at the pile and decide you can get rid of it."
UIM: "Yeah, if I was capable of that level of rationality, I wouldn't need two 10x10 storage lockers."
Wednesday, November 13, 2013
@midnight #hashtagwars #oldermusicians
Iron Deficient Maiden
Accessibility Van Halen
Ohio Mah-Jongg Players
Metal-Hip-ica
Men at Retirement
Accessibility Van Halen
Ohio Mah-Jongg Players
Metal-Hip-ica
Men at Retirement
#RepressedSarcasm
“I’m just tired of having to go back to the Wonderful Wizard of Oops, and begging him to get it right this time.”
Stutter-steps towards a better me: Trying to replace profanity when I am angry
FUZZBUCKET
FUSSBUDGET
PUSBUCKET
CRABNUGGETS
MUDPUZZLE
DUBGUPPY
BUGDUMPER
TUGPUMPER
HUGLUMPER
MUGBUMPER
GRUBLUGGER
GRASS-VOLE
DICE-TOLL
Monday, November 11, 2013
from the back files: Obligatory personal note on an e-mail discussion about gun control.
From: UIM
Sent: Monday, November 11, 2013 12:52 PM
ObligatoryPersonalNote: Somewhere around age 14 I realized I should not pursue my desires to become a police detective, as I realized that people with my crappy temper should not carry firearms....
Friday, October 25, 2013
October visit to Southern California
We're standing on the Santa Monica pier, with the temp in the low 70s.
Me: "So, wait, it's still October here in California?"
Her: "Yes, dear."
Me: "Okay, I can finally understand why people tolerate the earthquakes, mudslides, and wildfires."
Me: "So, wait, it's still October here in California?"
Her: "Yes, dear."
Me: "Okay, I can finally understand why people tolerate the earthquakes, mudslides, and wildfires."
Wednesday, October 23, 2013
from the back files: I don't understand the world, but I don't understand my own brain, either. So, I guess it all evens out.
From: UIM
Sent: Wednesday, October 23, 2013 8:07 AM
Subject: I don't understand the world, but I don't understand my own brain, either. So, I guess it all evens out.
So, my subconscious burped up a gag from the first season of Growing Pains, where Mike is trying to con his dad into paying for karate lessons.
So, I searched for it on the internet.
And the only link I found with it was a site that apparently helps teach English via old sitcom scripts.
http://www.wwenglish.com/en/club/gp/5384.htm
106. Jason: That's important to you, is it?
107. Mike: Oh, yeah dad. I mean without discipline dad, each one of us is like a waterless craft in the sea of conflicting desires. And you know what, Dad? I need the rudder that karate will give me.
108. Jason: I see. So what you're saying is that you're taking karate to reach the spiritual state of...Don Ho.
109. Mike: Right, Don Ho.
110. Jason: Mike. Don Ho is the Hawaiian singer who recorded " Tiny bubbles".
111. Mike: Right. Very spiritual guy.
Saturday, October 19, 2013
She is not necessarily thrilled with me building a quote list.
(After I found some quotes from the month before and shared them again...)
"And yet, you wrote it down, word for word, to read it at me when I am at my weakest."
"And yet, you wrote it down, word for word, to read it at me when I am at my weakest."
Thursday, October 17, 2013
Tear the roof off the sucker.
17 Oct 2013
(Frage and UIM are walking down the street.)
Frage: "Weee got the funk."
Frage and UIM: "Gotta have that funk. Weeee need the funk. Gotta get that funk."
UIM: "Got a real kind of thing going down getting down, there's a whole lot of rhythm goin round."
Frage: "See, lyrics are your shiny object. I just have to say one line and it distracts you."
UIM: "Yes, but it's sort of entrapment, because you get annoyed when I continue."
Frage: "Well, I'd like you to finish sooner. Me, one line, and I'm done."
UIM: "It happens a lot as we get older."
Frage: "Let's stop calling me old, okay?"
UIM: "We're both old. We're just two years away from telling kids to put down their Nintendos and get off our lawns."
Frage: "We've always been like that. That's not age; it's a personality crack."
UIM: "Which is better than a crack personality."
(Frage and UIM are walking down the street.)
Frage: "Weee got the funk."
Frage and UIM: "Gotta have that funk. Weeee need the funk. Gotta get that funk."
UIM: "Got a real kind of thing going down getting down, there's a whole lot of rhythm goin round."
Frage: "See, lyrics are your shiny object. I just have to say one line and it distracts you."
UIM: "Yes, but it's sort of entrapment, because you get annoyed when I continue."
Frage: "Well, I'd like you to finish sooner. Me, one line, and I'm done."
UIM: "It happens a lot as we get older."
Frage: "Let's stop calling me old, okay?"
UIM: "We're both old. We're just two years away from telling kids to put down their Nintendos and get off our lawns."
Frage: "We've always been like that. That's not age; it's a personality crack."
UIM: "Which is better than a crack personality."
Tuesday, September 17, 2013
Four years, a lot of emotional mileage, and a lot of bewilderment
Friends don't let friends post bewildered, of course.
But, I am still around, and still crappy at staying in touch with people.
But there have been some heavy changes since I killed the previous incarnation of the GWBench.
Dad passed away in the summer of 2010. It was a quick downhill slide for him between late April and Late August - pancreatic cancer. I would not wish that one anyone, even the people I have hated. (By contrast, I probably would wish upon people I hate something like... well, bedbugs in their urethras.)
Mom retired from working last year, and has to confront that her packrat tendencies have complicated her life. She's making changes, and generally, I think she is happier.
And since the fall of 2010, I have been dating a woman who still seems to like me. I just finished moving in with her a few weeks ago, and I am dealing with the constant challenges of NOT FUCKING THIS RELATIONSHIP UP.
But I am slightly smarter than I was 10 years ago. And I am more practiced at accepting that my immediate emotional response to anything probably should not guide my behavior. And maybe we've got a good shot at a healthy relationship.
I will try to get back in touch with the people I care about.
Once more, until you hear from me, may peace and love and happiness fill your life to overflowing.
But, I am still around, and still crappy at staying in touch with people.
But there have been some heavy changes since I killed the previous incarnation of the GWBench.
Dad passed away in the summer of 2010. It was a quick downhill slide for him between late April and Late August - pancreatic cancer. I would not wish that one anyone, even the people I have hated. (By contrast, I probably would wish upon people I hate something like... well, bedbugs in their urethras.)
Mom retired from working last year, and has to confront that her packrat tendencies have complicated her life. She's making changes, and generally, I think she is happier.
And since the fall of 2010, I have been dating a woman who still seems to like me. I just finished moving in with her a few weeks ago, and I am dealing with the constant challenges of NOT FUCKING THIS RELATIONSHIP UP.
But I am slightly smarter than I was 10 years ago. And I am more practiced at accepting that my immediate emotional response to anything probably should not guide my behavior. And maybe we've got a good shot at a healthy relationship.
I will try to get back in touch with the people I care about.
Once more, until you hear from me, may peace and love and happiness fill your life to overflowing.
Saturday, September 14, 2013
Often times, she does not find me as funny as I think I am.
Me: "Honey, I'm out of tissues. Do you have any tissue packets?"
Her: "Of course." (rummages in her bag, hands me a packet.) "Who's the best girlfriend ever?"
Me: "Charlize Theron. But you are a close second."
Her: (GLARE.)
Her: "Of course." (rummages in her bag, hands me a packet.) "Who's the best girlfriend ever?"
Me: "Charlize Theron. But you are a close second."
Her: (GLARE.)
Friday, August 30, 2013
#ThisDidn'tActuallyHapppen
From: UIM
Sent: Friday, August 30, 2013 9:59 AM
Subject: this didn't actually happen
"So, do you guys have a swear jar down her?'
"We did. UIM got tired of turning over his paycheck, so he just started saying , 'fuzzbucket', and we couldn't afford beer any more."
"That sucks."
"So then we fined him for 'fuzzbucket's, but he threw us a 20 and then changed to shooting us with foam darts every time he wanted to curse."
"I'm... not sure what to say about that."
"We decided not to fine him for anything, since we don't want to know what he'd escalate to if we fined him for foam darts."
Wednesday, August 28, 2013
from the back files: I know I am a horrible misanthrope.
From: UIM
Sent: Wednesday, August 28, 2013 10:29 AM
Subject: I know I am a horrible misanthrope.
My subconscious finally answered the question, "If I had to throw a Thirsty Thursday, what theme would I actually be happy with, given that I don't want to talk to large swaths of this company?"
The answer was a "Bacon and Inebriation Meditation" theme. The beer and bacon theme we just had, plus, no one is allowed to talk. Everybody just sits down quietly and drinks their booze and eats their bacon.
Sent: Wednesday, August 28, 2013 10:29 AM
Subject: I know I am a horrible misanthrope.
My subconscious finally answered the question, "If I had to throw a Thirsty Thursday, what theme would I actually be happy with, given that I don't want to talk to large swaths of this company?"
The answer was a "Bacon and Inebriation Meditation" theme. The beer and bacon theme we just had, plus, no one is allowed to talk. Everybody just sits down quietly and drinks their booze and eats their bacon.
Friday, August 16, 2013
how your friends remember you
(From an e-mail exchange after I got in touch with Tempest again.)
Tempest: "Is it bad that when I hear that Icona Pop song I think of you? 'I crashed my car into a bridge... I don't care...' "
UIM: "It occurred to me that at least one of my friends would. However, I have to point out that Nightskye crashed his car into a bridge first."
Tempest: "Is it bad that when I hear that Icona Pop song I think of you? 'I crashed my car into a bridge... I don't care...' "
UIM: "It occurred to me that at least one of my friends would. However, I have to point out that Nightskye crashed his car into a bridge first."
Friday, August 02, 2013
from the back files: And, exit, stage - thump
From: UIM
Sent: Friday, August 02, 2013 4:43 PM
Subject: And, exit, stage - thump
(UIM reaches the elevators, where HappyScrappyPup already stands, with others.)
HappyScrappyPup: " Hey, UIM."
UIM: "Hello."
HappyScrappyPup: "So, you have fixed all our RIC-mapping problems?"
(Pause.)
UIM: "Y'know, despite my reputation, it is pretty rare for my first thought to be, 'I should kick this person in the crotch.' -"
(General laughter.)
UIM: "- and now you have brought me to a new low. Thanks."
Tuesday, July 23, 2013
from the back files: things a friend of mine will probably hear at his flight lesson
A friend at work mentioned to me that he got a groupon-style deal on a flight lesson at a regional airport near him.
Obviously, I worried about that. And had to write a top ten list
So, from the Home Office near the TRACON station on Touhy Ave just east of Wolf Road -
The Top 10 List of Things {REDACTED} Will Hear at his Flight Lesson:
1) “Please remove the red-sun hachimaki, sir.”
2) “No, we don’t sell any certified-pre-owned Apache helicopters.”
3) “Nobody uses Navy Pier for carrier landing practice any more. Please stop asking.”
4) “No, we DON’T have an inter-museum loan system with NAS Glenview.”
5) “Even when you bring your own, we do not mount AAMs on the trainer.”
6) “I don’t care if it is Stacey Dash, you cannot paint her on the nose of our plane.”
7) “Please stop referring to the other students as ‘missile shields’ .”
8) “If you yell, ‘RAMMING SPEED.’ once more, you flunk.”
9) “THAT is NOT aviation equipment.”
10) “No, you are not required to maneuver straight down any trench, and there is no two-meter-wide target area at all."
One of my other colleagues then provided two more, which i wish I had thought up:
11) “No, it will not be like shooting womp rats in your T-16 back home.”
12) “You don’t go into warp drive by randomly pounding the instrument panel! Also, we don’t ‘warp drive’.”
Obviously, I worried about that. And had to write a top ten list
So, from the Home Office near the TRACON station on Touhy Ave just east of Wolf Road -
The Top 10 List of Things {REDACTED} Will Hear at his Flight Lesson:
1) “Please remove the red-sun hachimaki, sir.”
2) “No, we don’t sell any certified-pre-owned Apache helicopters.”
3) “Nobody uses Navy Pier for carrier landing practice any more. Please stop asking.”
4) “No, we DON’T have an inter-museum loan system with NAS Glenview.”
5) “Even when you bring your own, we do not mount AAMs on the trainer.”
6) “I don’t care if it is Stacey Dash, you cannot paint her on the nose of our plane.”
7) “Please stop referring to the other students as ‘missile shields’ .”
8) “If you yell, ‘RAMMING SPEED.’ once more, you flunk.”
9) “THAT is NOT aviation equipment.”
10) “No, you are not required to maneuver straight down any trench, and there is no two-meter-wide target area at all."
One of my other colleagues then provided two more, which i wish I had thought up:
11) “No, it will not be like shooting womp rats in your T-16 back home.”
12) “You don’t go into warp drive by randomly pounding the instrument panel! Also, we don’t ‘warp drive’.”
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