Never be afraid to look at the people giving you guidance, and wonder, "Are they high on their own supply?"

15,000 Legos! I Make the Most Uncomfortable Toilet

“Heart-Shaped Box” (Nirvana) 1960s Tainted Love Cover by Robyn Adele And...

Super Mario Bros. Movie DID THE ONE THING I WANTED! (Super Mario Bros. S...

I really like seeing Andre happy....

LEGO Orrery - Earth, Moon and Sun

Anti-Hero…if Taylor Swift was in a SKA BAND (ft. @SkaTuneNetwork)

The Furby Episode - Drawfee Animated

Murderhobo Song (What Friends Are For) - From 1 FOR ALL

I Made This EPIC Satellite Photo Frame

How Crowded is Kyoto Now? ⛩

I forgot the phrase 'regular expression' while at work, and to figure it out...

xkcd: Perl Problems

 

Danny Boy

Beastie Boys | So What’cha Want | Muppets Version

Turning Weird Plant Names Into Characters

Singing about annoyances.

While dealing with a glitter-shedding Christmas card today, I started singing, 'Craaaaft herpes, wiider than a mile...."

So, it's still a good thing I've been too lazy to learn video editing.

Or YouTube would have Audrey Hepburn singing something very different on her balcony....

If I Wasn't So Lazy, I'd Be Dangerous

If I weren't so lazy....

- I'd have learned video editing software to replace the Millennium Falcon with the P-Funk Mothership.

Steve Goodman - That was a pleasant accident

Steve Goodman: A Dying Cubs Fan's Last Request

Oingo Boingo - Dead Man's Party - 4/25/1987 - Ritz

John, Arlo, Kris And Others Discuss Steve Goodman

Jamiroquai Bee Gees Mashup - Pomplamoose

Whiskey Fever

The Donnas - Too Bad About Your Girl (Official Video)

Katy Perry + Gorillaz + Manu Chao Mashup | Pomplamoose ft. Jon Cozart

"Weird Al" Yankovic - "Polka Your Eyes Out" (1992) - MDA Telethon

"Weird Al" Yankovic - Germs

It's My World (And We're All Living in It) (From "Milo Murphy's Law" (Au...

"The time a frog peed on Jim Henson" with Kermit and Bob McGrath

Matt has one hour to hover a helicopter

Gary Moore - Emerald (Tribute to Phil Lynott) [HQ] [4/10]

Married Conversations: One Concern to the Tune of Another

(Frage sits in the recliner in the living room, watching HGTV.)
(UIM, just-showered and half-dressed, strides out with determination, picks up the letter-size notepad, grabs a pen, starts scribbling and mumbling.)

(After a minute of this...)

Frage: "Should I be worried that you're mumbling 'cut you down and destroy'?"

UIM: "It's 'one song to the tune of another'.  I realized you can sing the verses of Johnny Cash's 'God's Gonna Cut You Down' and Metallica's 'Seek and Destroy' to each other's tunes."

Frage: "Ah."

UIM: "But I understand you worry when your pants-less husband mumbles like that.  You concerns are valid."

Married Conversations: Saturday Wait (for a breakfast sandwich)

Frage: "I got you a different breakfast sandwich.  It's called The Cure."

UIM: "Is it supposed to be a hangover remedy."

Frage: "No, it's cured meats."

UIM: "I guess I'm just glad it doesn't look like Robert Smith."

Frage: "Every time I see it, I chuckle and think, 'Friday I'm in Love'."

UIM: "But today is Saturday."

Frage: "Yes."

UIM: "Are you all out of love?"

Frage: "No."

UIM: "Because that would be an Air Supply."

Married Conversations: Something Might Be Found

(After Frage comes in, and is throwing out her coffee cup.)

Frage:"So, yeah, I got myself coffee as a little treat."

UIM: "The pool was closed, so you walked the whole time?"

Frage: "No.  I swam, then walked."

UIM: " I really should just standardize it as 'How as your walk/swim?'"

Frage: "Or you could look for clues, like, my hair is wet."

UIM: "Now, listen, I am barely awake until noon, on my best days.  So, don't expect too much from me and -" (realizes) "you might not be let down and goddamnit I am quoting a Gin Blossoms song."

Poo Hearts Beating In Just One Mind.

(Context is lost, but....)

Frage: "It's all about the poo with you."

... devolving into Lyric Word Replacement - 'poo' for 'two' ...

Frage: "Just the Poo of Us."

UIM: "It Takes Poo to Make a Thing Go Right."

...

UIM: "And, of course, the Spice Girls singing, 'Poo Become One'."

Wrapped in white tissue as cold as the - ewwwww

During the 15-minute-or-so break that Frage and I took today to get sympathy about our respective jobs...

Frage: "I'm not a manager or a supervisor, but somehow the circus is mine."

UIM: "Other folks just keep assigning you monkeys."

Frage: "And I did not want responsibility for these poo-slingers."

Frank: "Now, I'm just imagining two monkeys in cowboy outfits facing off at high noon in a town, with holsters full of poo."

Reactions by other folks after I shared the above bit:

'Backer (my cousin): "I'm going to commission someone to draw that, and put it up on the wall above my home desk."

Shell (my brother):  "This town ain't big enough for the poo of us."

UIM: "I am now scared `Backer will make it an NFT with that title, and somehow I'll be responsible legally for whoever he sells it to."

Stringer (my other brother): "Non-flingable turds."

Songs That Are Fun To Sing in Fred Schneider's Voice

 most Doors songs, but especially Roadhouse Blues  (as noted here: https://thegroupwbench.blogspot.com/2021/10/same-situation-different-emphasis.html )
Mother, Danzig

Forgot About Dre, Dr. Dre and Eminem

Nerf and Theft

(During a Zoom meeting.)
Meeting co-ordinator "Hey, UIM, is that a Nerf gun behind you?"
(UIM unmutes, nods, grabs the Nerf gun, and holds it closer to the screen.)
UIM: "Yeah.  Doesn't work.  Five bucks in a thrift shop."
Developer: "I saw the orange bit and thought it was a traffic cone."
UIM: "No, in my family, we steal those.  We don't pay five bucks for them in a thrift shop."
------
Some of the responses when I texted this to family members:
My brother, Shell: "Stop revealing family secrets."
My other brother, Stringer: "I have two of them in my shed."  (He did not clarify whether he meant cones or Nerf guns.)
My cousin, `Backer: "Of course we don't- we already paid for them with gas taxes."

2022

I was about to express hopes for peace and joy and change in the new year.
And then a second later, random dingleberries started setting off firecrackers at midnight.

Knowledge I Learned from My Friends This Year

If there's something on the floor, don't stand in it. (January 2021 - It was a world of Warcraft statement, but it's really applicable everywhere.)

You'd think if you hadn't eaten all day, anything would taste good.  (January 2021)

People made of fluff should be last in the battle order.  (January 2021)

The octopus is judging you.  (February 2021)

We aggro'd the fucking world.  Why not drive off the cliff?  (February 2021)

Knob Creek immediately goes up your nose and burns your brain.  (March 2021)

Some nights, you'll need some help with a quest you shouldn't have gotten into.  (March 2021)

A really-nasty one-star review actually means you've touched the reader.  (April 2021)

Under normal circumstances, Urgent Care never tells you to come back the next day for a follow-up. (June 2021)

A case of shingles can feel like a midget trying to drive a spike through your ear for three weeks.  (August 2021)

Chickens are nasty.  That's why they are so tasty.  (October 2021)

Your child will be aghast that you know the lyrics to 'The Time Warp'.  (October 2021)

Do not hide bodies in the attic - that's the first place they look.  (December 2021)

I don't think 'Weird Al' did this in concert, but I'm also too lazy to verify that....

During my lunch break on Tuesday, I took the parts I wanted from several meal-plan meals, stuck them in a bowl to microwave them.  They key piece of this was the provolone slices I took from two of the meals, and laid on top of the other components.

All while singing the word 'Provolone' instead of 'Kodakchrome' in the Paul Simon song.

Obviously (because it's me), this grew out of control....

When I think back on all the lunch I had in high school,
It's a wonder I can eat at all.
Oh, but my lack of good nutrition never hurt me none.
I still can read a menu on the wall.

Provolone

(something some thing something)

Gives me a happy stomach.

Makes all the world a cheesy day, oh, yeah.

With my Italian sandwich

(something some thing something)

Mama, please don't take my provolone away.

If you took all the meals I had when I was drinking,

And put them in a buffet for one night,

It would never match my flavor recollection -

Everything tastes worse in sober light.

Provolone

(something some thing something)

Gives me a happy stomach.

Makes all the world a cheesy day, oh, yeah.

With my Italian sandwich

(something some thing something)

Mama, please don't take my provolone away.

#RepressedAnger

"Look, on my best day, I am a chaos gremlin, but most days I am a vicious vengeful bridge troll.  So, maybe you want to start listening to what I'm saying, instead of making me repeat everything three times by asking questions that I specifically answered in the previous sentence."

Songs That Are Fun to Sing in My Dad's Voice (Sarcastic Heavy Brooklyn Accent)

No Sleep Til Brooklyn, Beastie Boys

Paul Revere, Beastie Boys

Keep Their Heads Ringing, Dr. Dre

Forgot About Dre, Dr. Dre and Eminem

Waterloo, ABBA

Fernando, ABBA

Lady Marmalade (Moulin Rouge version) - Mya, Pink, Christina Aguilera, Lil Kim, Missy Elliott

Berzerk, Eminem

Thrift Shop, Macklemore and Ryan Lewis

Love Runs Out, One Republic

I'm Too Sexy, Right Said Fred

[Quiet and Distant and Remorseful on Tumblr: Songs That Are Fun to Sing in My Dad's Voice (Sarcastic Heavy Brooklyn Accent)]

Songs That Are Fun to Sing in a Chipmunk Voice

Chip Away the Stone, Aerosmith

Immigrant Song, Led Zeppelin

Vacation, Go-Gos

Dancing in the Moonlight, King Harvest

Fire, Jimi Hendrix

Quiet and Distant and Remorseful on Tumblr: Songs That Are Fun to Sing in a Chipmunk Voice

Songs That Are Fun To Sing in A Kermit Voice

(in rough order of how they occurred to me over the last thirty-odd years)

Red House, Jimi Hendrix 

You Shook Me All Night Long, AC/DC

Closer, Nine Inch Nails

I Wanna Be Sedated, Ramones

(This will be updated as I recall more of them)

Life During Wartime, Talking Heads (noting the verses can be sung to Rainbow Connection) 

[ (Quiet and Distant and Remorseful on Tumblr: Songs That Are Fun To Sing in A Kermit Voice ]

Not-so-repressed anger

 (UIM direct-messaging a cow-orker.)

"How bad a sign is it that I'm singing 'This Ain't a Vendor, It's a God-damn Trash Fire' to a Fall Out Boy song?"

With nothing to consider, they forget my name?

(Frage making her coffee in the kitchen.)
(UIM in the living room, working on data correction and singing along with 'That's Not My Name'.)
UIM: "They call me quiet / but I'm a riot / Mary Jo, Lisa / It's all the same...")
(UIM looks up as Frage walks with her coffee back to her spare-room work area.)
Frage: "I have never called you quiet..."

Baby, if you ever wondered, it's time to play the music....

 Quiet and Distant and Remorseful — Yesterday’s dumb idea:  A WKRP-Muppet Show... (tumblr.com)

Yesterday’s dumb idea:  A WKRP-Muppet Show crossover episode.

They both were airing during the years 1978 - 1981.

Admittedly, the Muppet production was based in England, but a partial detachment of the Muppet team to LA for a WKRP episode wouldn’t have been impossible.

The only A-plot I can imagine is an Electric Mayhem show in Cincinnati, and WKRP covering it like any other rock concert.

And WKRP’s Andy Travis was basically the Kermit of the show - trying to keep the chaos moving in a positive direction.

Sam the Eagle and Les Nessman certainly could have bonded.

Mostly, I thought of this just for the running gag of Dr. Johnny Fever assuming that seeing Gonzo, Fozzy, and Animal was just more drug flashbacks.

“I swear, man, there was this little red furry guy standing behind Jennifer, groaning,’wo-man’...”

Married Conversations: joke handling

UIM: "Sorry I stepped on your joke."

Frage: "You stepped on my joke, smeared it in poo, then gave it back to me."

Married Conversations: definitions and resistance

Frage: "Are those boots waterproof?"

UIM: "They're water resistant.  I wouldn't want to jump in a river wearing them."

Frage: "Well, there goes our plans for the afternoon."

It's been a long plague.

 

Mistakes in passing

I saw this sponsored ad in passing, and my brain immediately parsed the shape and layout as “Paramount is putting out retro console cartridge games for Star Trek: Lower Decks”?

 

Heirloom Siege Engines

 Quiet and Distant and Remorseful — thestuffedalligator: thestuffedalligator: ... (tumblr.com)

In my young adulthood, my mom heavily collected spinning wheels.  

I am now mentally constructing an AU for my own life where her membership on the high school rifle team took a sharp turn into collecting scaled-down siege engines, and in her 50′s she forms a LARPing group named The 516th Battle Nurses Regiment. 

Motto: “We can heal your wounds.  We can cause your wounds.  Your choice.”

The Six Words Frage Has Come to Dread

When I moved in with my then-girlfriend-now-spouse, one of the communication compromises we needed was a balance between my "I just thought of/read/saw this thing I must share right now" with her "Sudden noise/movement/conversation startles the hell out me".

Apparently, a 6-foot 215-lb man bounding into the room at top speed cackling about ... oh, let's say a posting on Fark.. is really really stressful to a 5'2" woman who has been living quietly with her cats for most of the previous decade.

Eventually, I understood that 'so startled she can't appreciate whatever I'm trying to say' was not a rejection of love.  (Had I learned that earlier in life, I'd have been a lot more pleasant to be around.)

And so, we developed the Six Words That Frage Dreads:

"I feel the need to share."  

Usually, the scene will be thus:

(Frage and UIM laying in bed.)

(Frage is playing game on her phone, half-listening to either an audiobook or whatever is on Hallmark Mystery Channel.)

(UIM is obsessively scrolling through YouTube or through the same six text web sites he always reads on his Kindle .)

(UIM laughs at something.)

(Pause.)

(UIM takes out his earbuds.)

(UIM takes a breath.)

(Frage holds her breath, hoping against hope.)

UIM: "When you reach a stopping point."

Frage: (weary) "yes?"

UIM: "I feel the need to share."

I got your oak wisdom right here, buddy.

My brother Shell called me for my birthday.

During the call, I threw out a new Dad-riff idea:  "Dad as a Druid."

He ran with it immediately.

"Oh, sure, the holly berry is sacred - because it's growing on my trees, you damn moochers."

"Goddamn squirrel chewing the thatch of my hut. I cast spells, it does nothing.  Damn squirrel won't listen."

"I shoulda listened to my father and joined the warrior class."

I contributed:

"The goddamn sacred pool is full of goddamn flies, because the goddamn birds aren't doing their job."

Later in the day, when my brother Stringer called, and I updated him on these gags, he responded, "Well, now I have my next character for D&D."

Same situation, different emphasis.

One of the old Dumb Ideas from one of the previous iterations:
Doors covering 'Love Shack'.
B52s covering 'Roadhouse Blues'.
I know it's not as simple as 'switch major key to minor key' and 'switch minor key to major key'.

Drunk Thoughts

 It's really weird how comfortable it feels to be drunk, even while you feel things careering wildly out of control.

There's some part of being drunk that feels comfortable, in the way that a heavy blanket, or a stack of blankets, feels comfortable in the cold, while at the same time, you feel uncomfortable because you have to take extra care to express yourself, or to move when you get out of your chair,

Drunk Cuisine Experiment #1

 No, you cannot force a Red Vine through a Stuffed Puffs Chocolate-on-Chocolate marshmallow as though the Red Vine were a  stick for roasting the marshmallow.

Singing to myself while drunk on the toilet

"Urination - all I ever wanted.

Urination - had to get away.

Urination -meant to be spent alone,"

- You know, if Belinda Carlisle and Jane Wiedlin decide to kick my ass for this, that's fair.

New suggested album titles from phrases in passing when conversing with my wife.

Errors of my Youth

Toilet Crimes

#RepressedAnger

 "A data editor is without honor in his own organization."

#RepressedAnger

 "Every f^{king week I watch my colleagues summon another f^{king Sta-Puft Marshmallow Man, and then I have to cross the damn streams and clean up all the f^{king marshmallow."

Married Conversation: it ain't easy shaking all night long.

(Driving back home after grocery shopping.)

(UIM turns on the car radio.)

Frage: "There will be no singing."

(First notes of 'You Shook Me All Night Long')

UIM: (Grinning) "Oh.  There will be singing."

(After the intro finishes)

Frage: "She was a fast machine."

UIM: (Kermit voice) "She was a fast machine."

Frage: "IN YOUR OWN VOICE!  NO MUPPETS!  NO CHIPMUNKS!  NO DAD VOICE!"

(UIM laughs to gasping until the guitar solo.)

Married Conversations: And I decided it was about time I made the call...

Frage: "There's a time and a place, and this was a good time."

UIM: "As long as you had a good time.  That's why I wrote my number on the women's room wall."

Frage: "That's weird. When I read it, it said, 'For agita, call..'"

Enthusiastic Nonsense: Great swimmers `cause they'll have his feet

 "I'm in love with a big blue frog.

A big blue frog loves me.

Perfect for a Lovecraft horror film.

Transpose it to a minor key."

Married Conversations: hazelnut philosophy

UIM: "Okay, I am confused.  Why is there a full jar next to a half-full jar?"
Frage: "Sometimes, you need the easy Nutella; sometimes, you make yourself work for it."

Quotes that make me say, 'Fair enough."

 Frage: "I just want to lay down and read about dragons."

#RepressedAnger #Lyrics

Thank you, so much, for causing me pain.
Thank you, so much, for hurting me again.

Your bad design decisions fall upon me like cold rain.

Thank you, for all the pain.

Could you fix your data, by chance?

I never wanted to join in this dance

Of the Masochism Tango that you constantly advance.

Please fix your {bleep}, perchance?

Conversations While Married

Frage: "I may have missed it while I was ranting."

UIM: (fake-innocent) "But you never rant."

Frage: "Yes, yes."

UIM: (fake-innocent) "My wife is sweet and demure and obedient, and never has an unkind word to say about anyone."

Frage: "You really ought start wearing a cup if you insist on talking $#!+ like this."

UIM: (too busy cackling to respond.)

Frage: "I may only have one good knee left, but I'm pretty sure I can knee you with it."

UIM: (still cackling)

Frage: "Obedient, my @$$..."

Conversations While Married

(Frage is a Shark Week enthusiast.)

(Frage also had to have a quiet day on Sunday because of a migraine.)

UIM: "Still watching Shark Week recordings?"

Frage: "Well, yeah, I am catching up from Migraine Sunday."

UIM: "Least popular holiday on the calendar."

(Pause)

UIM: "I don’t recall the vestment colors, but instead of flagellating your back, you have to smack yourself in the face."

Frage: "Wait, with a fish?"

UIM: "No, Fish-Slapping Dance is a Monty Python gag.  So that would be Church of England."

Some Say Waffles, They are a Razor....

Last Saturday, Frage and I were eating breakfast in an hourly-rental car before grocery shopping.

Frage misheard the word 'love' as 'waffles'.

(My fault for talking while eating.)

So of course, the Lyric Word Replacement gag came out of mothballs.

In this case, replace the word 'love' in a lyric with 'waffles'.

As examples: The Beatles are now singing "Can't Buy Me Waffles"; and Tina Turner is now asking "What's Waffles Got to Do with It?"

(Yes, it blows the scansion to hell, but I decided to run with it anyway)

So, the top 11 that I thought up today....

11."Crazy in Waffles" - Beyonce

10."Sunshine of Your Waffles" - Cream

9. "You Give Waffles a Bad Name" - Bon Jovi

8. "And in the end, the waffles you take/ Are equal to the waffles you make." - The Beatles, "The End"

7. "Shake Your Waffles" - Debbie Gibson

6. "Making Waffles Out of Nothing at All" - Air Supply

5. "You pull the trigger on my/ Waffle Gun." - Kiss

4. "The Greatest Waffle of All" - Whitney Houston

3. "How Deep is Your Waffle" - Bee Gees

2. "Tainted Waffles" originally recorded by Gloria Jones in 1964, covered in the 1981 by Soft Cell.

1. "Some people call me the Space Cowboy./ Some call me the Gangster of Waffles." - Steve Miller, "The Joker".

Married Conversations: I need a little room to operate, here.

Frage: "Have fun.  Make good choices.  Don't cry in meetings."

UIM: "Why do you want to limit my options?"

Married Conversations

UIM: "I have to call in to an all-hands that they declared last week. I hope it's more 'here's how we're dealing with COVID' and not 'we're selling you for medical experiments'."

Frage: "Could be both."

UIM: "You're right. Those aren't mutually exclusive."

Married Conversations: pillaging just like everybody else does.

Frage: "Somehow I keep startling this one co-worker.  I think they are going to want me to wear a bell."

UIM: "Well, you are descended from the rare Nordic Ninjas.  The small strain of introverted Vikings - they were okay with pillaging and plundering, but they didn't want to make a lot of noise about it, and they needed some quiet time to recharge afterward."

(Pause.)

(UIM snickers.)

Frage: (resigned to it) "Okay, what of your own jokes are you laughing at now."

UIM: "Just imagining a panning camera shot down the longboat, all the other Vikings are singing and drinking as they return home with booty, and there's just this one morose Viking in the middle.  Soundtrack is playing "How Soon is Now" by the Smiths."

Conversations while Married

(Walking home after running errands with an hourly-rental van.)

Frage: "Look at that one guy, no headlights on at 9 at night!"

UIM: "I refer you back to our earlier conversation: there's a$$#0le drivers everywhere; no sense getting offended by them."

Frage: "Look: I point out dogs when I see them; I point out a$$#0les when I see them.  This is who I am."

UIM: "As long as you don't point out dog's a$$#0les, I guess I can -"

Frage: (shocked by what she thought she heard) "What about putting on tassels?"

(UIM starts cackling and gasping for air - stops and cackles very loudly, slapping his knee, for most of a minute.)

(UIM looks up at Frage, solemnly staring at him, and he cackles some more.)

UIM: "No, I said - As long as you don't point out dog's a$$#0les -"

(Frage starts cackling, as they start walking again.)

(A few minutes later, Frage and UIM pass a woman carrying a tiny dog.)

Frage: (smiling at woman) "He's so tiny and cute."

(A moment passes.)

UIM: (leaning in to Frage) "Now, please do not point out the dog's a$$#ole."

(Frage surprise laughs, then regards UIM worriedly.)

Frage: "Go on, say 'a$$#0le' a little louder. People will -"

UIM: (louder) 'A$$#0le A Little Louder."

Frage: "Seriously, in public?  People get offended by that.  This time it was an innocent woman carrying a chihuahua, but what if a gang member thought you were -"

UIM: (cop voice) "Against the wall, please, I need to search you for chihuahuas."

Frage: "What?"

UIM: "Hey, you're the one who said gang members would be carrying chihuahuas..."

Frage: "No!"

UIM: (cop voice) "We believe there's gang involvement smuggling unlicensed chihuahuas from Indiana, where chihuahua ownership is less regulated."

Repressed Anger - Long Distance Banking Edition.

"Wow, I can actually feel my Dad's  spirit rising out of me now -"
(Switches to Aggrieved Dad voice)
"I don't know why I gotta ask the same question five times to get one answer.  I don't know why I gotta ask the same question ten times to get an ACCURATE answer.  But if THAT'S the way you want to run this clown car, all right."
(Back to normal voice.)
"Of course, that was not an accurate Dad quote.  There was nowhere near enough profanity.  F-bombs would have been falling like spring raindrops."

I wish I had thought of this line 20 years ago.

You can test any case you want
At analysis restaurant.

from the back files: data gnomes

An e-mail chain from Oct 2009.

UIM: Well, the morning full symbol database load should be happening soon, so maybe some magic will happen, and the suspiciously-merry data gnomes will carry the symbol into the editing interface.

Developer: Didn't anyone tell you? The IBDG Local 334 is on strike. We've been trying to hire scabs, but the gnomes hired bridge trolls to keep anyone from breaking the picket line.

UIM: I had wondered why a wav file of “Joe Hill” launched when I opened the editing interface this morning.  Apparently, we never loaded the reagan32.dll to prevent this sort of thing.

from the back files: sharing one's emotions at work.

From: UIM
Sent: Monday, October 26, 2009 3:06 PM
Subject: sharing one's emotions at work.
"If only we can modulate the waves of depression that UIM emanates, so that we can encode information.  Expect to be used as an inbound NIC when the devs are ready to test the TCP/BLAH protocol. "


(Current note: writing it today, I might name it the TCP/BPD protocol.)

When that doctor asked me, 'Son, how'd you get in this condition?'

Last summer, while at a cousin's wedding weekend, I was talking with my brother, Shell, and quoted myself, "I accept that we come from the 'hold my beer and watch this' demographic."
Shell: "F**k that, I'll do it one-handed. I'm not letting anyone touch my beer."
UIM: "Hm.  Yeah.  That is more accurate to our family traditions."

Bears and popes and such

Two different conversations within the last year.

---

(Sitting at home, while my wife, Frage, points out I may have gone too far with my humor.)
Frage: “But you just had to poke the bear with a short stick.”
Frage: (UIM voice) “Well, why did you bring a bear here to begin with?”
Frage: (different voice) “Well, there’s no sign saying bears aren’t allowed.”
(UIM cackles.)
UIM: “See?  Isn’t fun to do both sides of the argument?”
Frage: “When I do it, yes.  Not so much when you do it.”

---

(Riding in the car on the way up to the suburbs.)
Frage: “You’re wrong.”
UIM: “Wait? Am I in a forest?”
Frage: “I don’t know.  Do you see a pope sh*tting?”
UIM: “I see a bear in a pope hat.”



Note: The "If a man speaks in the forest" joke is one of the first jokes my wife told me after we started dating.  Hence, it's more "couple shorthand" and less "UIM really believes that crap."

Truths and useful phrases from a previous boss.

"Thank you for your two cents, but I'm afraid you've got change coming back."

"Go sell that crazy somewhere else."

"If the high point is the tree catching on fire, then I just won't bother with Christmas."

"Yeah, that's it - we smoked the pooch right there."


"I don't want anyone horizontal on those couches.  When people go horizontal, stuff starts coming out of them."

This happens two or three times a day at work...

... as I make mistakes.

Me: "What are you doing, UIM?"
Me: "F**king up."
Me: "Okay, as long as you know what you're doing."

(Yes, it's kind of a Heathers reference.)

Coining words at work

Other Team's Lead: “You coined the word ‘suckage’ today.”
UIM: “I did?”
(pause)
UIM: “Was this when I blanked out while talking to {The Head of the Development Group here}?”
Other Team's Lead: “I do that all the time.”
UIM: “No, I mean, literally, I have no recollection of that five minute slice of time.”
Other Team's Lead: “You said, ‘Everything sucks!  The suckage is everywhere!’ “
UIM: “Thank you.”

Workplace environmental variables

For whatever reason, during a discussion with the team's project manager:

Project Manager: "Just don't do the Time Warp dance."
UIM: "But, {name}, it's just a jump to the left."

Within a minute, he IMs me the lyrics.

Prompting my response via IM:
"Yeah, I know the lyrics.  Strangely enough, I was not going to utter the phrase 'pelvic thrust' at work until I was forced to do so by circumstances outside my control."

She does have to remind herself that she chose me out of the herd...

During a conversation:
Frage: "You're missing the point, yet again."
UIM : "I prefer to think of it as, avoiding the point, with the skill of a matador."

#ThisDidn'tActuallyHappen

A: “We tried instituting a talking stick for the daily outage meeting.”
B: “Well, that method doesn’t work for every group meeting.”
A: “Yeah, the problem was that Ops viewed it more as a ‘talking bo-staff’ or ‘talking quarter-stave’, depending whether they were watching more Asian martial arts movies or Robin-Hood-type movies recently.”
B: “So, management took the stick away.”
A: “Well, more that Ops insisted on upgrading to a ‘talking machete’, so, at that point we just went back to the standard outage meeting format of sitting at a table with groups sullenly glaring at each other.”

#RepressedAnger

"Have you outsourced the data correction to particularly slow and decrepit mules?"

#RepressedAnger

"Are there any other similar enhancements to the datafeed which you've been planning, such as catapults full of pigeon guano aimed at our homes?"

#RepressedAnger

"There are not enough animated-gifs-of-Darth-Vader-force-choking-an-incompetent on the entire internet to express how enraging this is."

from the back files: glass

From: UIM
Sent: Tuesday, April 09, 2013 9:59 AM
"You're not a glass-half-full person, really."
"I'm not even a glass-half-empty person.  The glass is chipped, and cracked, and has contaminated sea water, and someone is trying to pour it in my nose."

Another typical home conversation.

(As UIM rises from the couch, he knocks a pillow off onto the floor.)
UIM: (singing) "F**k you, pillow; f**k yoooooou."
Frage: (from the bedroom) "What are you cursing now?"
UIM: "Everything.  I am launching imprecations at the totality of existence."
Frage: (tired) "Awesome."

People Should Not Ask UIM for Explanations.

(After UIM makes a passing mention in a work e-mail.)
Colleague: "Mutant Lobsters from Riverhead?"
UIM: "Once while bored on Chicago mass transit,I tried to imagine a cheesy horror movie set in the area where I grew up.  Riverhead is the county seat.  It was easy for me to imagine mutant lobsters (caused by the Navy testing something odd out at Calverton) rampaging up the Peconic River and leveling Riverhead, before swerving south to crush the Hamptons in their buttery oversized claws."

Let's face it, folks, she's tired.

(UIM and Frage driving around, doing errands.)
(Frage is audibly irritated by a couple different pedestrians stepping thoughtlessly into the road in front of her.)
UIM : “You have to remember: These are simple people.”
(Frage chuckles.)
UIM: “The common clay of the new West.”
Frage: “What?”
UIM: “You know: morons.”
(Silence.)
UIM: “Look, I either answer that, or, ‘Mongo only pawn in game of life.’  Quotes from Blazing Saddles are all I’ve got right now.”
Frage: “Thank you so much.”
UIM: “I certainly don’t think I can respond with ‘I think he said the sheriff’s near’ relevantly.”

Freeze frame

(Frage is getting slightly frustrated trying to take a picture of UIM to send to his mom.)
Frage: "I have to take 7 pictures just to get one useful one."
UIM: "Well, that's how the good photographers do it. They let the subject be natural and just take the pictures they need."
Frage: "Yes, but you being natural is this frowny scary person that frightens small children and animals."

I don't recall the context, but she's not wrong.

UIM: "Now, sweetie, what's your default reaction?"
Frage: "Please don't use my default reaction to 99 percent of the crap that comes out of your mouth."

Seriously, Stephen King writes novellas about trips like that.

(On the way back home from a funeral near St. Louis.)
(After a certain point, UIM gets tired of the GPS throwing out weird detours for no discernable reason.)
(UIM unplugs the GPS from the 12v outlet.)
GPS: "Do you want to turn this unit off?"
(UIM clicks the switch to turn it off, and chucks it in the back seat.)
(An hour passes, and Frage takes an exit to get fuel and stretch our legs.)
GPS: "Recalculating."
Frage: Is it still talking to us?"
UIM: "Yes.  I believe it is cursed, and trying to kill us."
Frage: "That's a bit far-fetched."
UIM: (dry) "Yeah. I'm breaking character."

Heh heh heh.

UIM: "I love you."
Frage: "I love you too. We just said that. That's twice in one minute."
UIM: "Yeah, but I was 2 hours late, so I have to say it more often, so that it averages out."
Frage: "So, what: whenever I wake up, you're going to say it, just to keep your average going?"
UIM: "Well, whenever you wake up..."
(Pause.)
(UIM grins evilly.)
UIM: "...before you put on your makeup...  I say a little prayer for you."
Frage: "Get out."
(UIM leaves the room, chuckling.)
(A minute passes.)
Frage: (calling out) "Now I have Julia Roberts in my head, damn you..."

#ThisDidn'tActuallyHappen

A: “What’s he doing?”
B: “Apparently, attempting ritual belly-cutting via a frozen ice cream snack.”

#ThisDidntActuallyHappen

“He’s at his desk, holding a can of Coke Zero to his chest, rocking back and forth, and whimpering softly.”

#ThisDidntActuallyHappen

“He’s updating all his work tickets with the lyrics to Ozzy’s ‘Suicide Solution’, and all his document links are to the Jack Daniels website, so maybe it’s time for an intervention.”