#RepressedSarcasm

"Go string your violin, Sherlock."

Passing comments, realizations, and empathy for others.

(One Sunday morning, at breakfast with my cousin, `Backer, killing time before the movie we went to see.)
UIM: "I accept that we come from the 'hold my beer and watch this' demographic.' "

#RepressedSarcasm

"It might even be boombastic.  I'm not sure.  I haven't checked the error log yet."

Trips Down Memory Sewer: "Blasted kids. Where's the whiskey?"

Back at the start of 1996, New Year's weekend, I was up in Connecticut at Purge's condo with the hometown posse, and amongst the nerdery was a session of the Star Wars role-playing game.

I no longer recall whether I chose this template for my character, or I was awarded it by popular demand.

http://d6holocron.com/wiki/index.php?title=Failed_Jedi_(Template)

All I know is I failed every roll I made, and wound up tied to a medical table on a smuggling ship (owned and piloted by Metrocake's character), being tortured by a demented Ewok (played by Tempest's best friend) while Doc was failing every roll as a protocol droid trying to help me get away from the demented Ewok.

"The dark side kept calling, and things never worked quite the way you wanted them to."

Good times.  Good times.

#FictionalConversations and #RepressedSarcasm

A: "What dreadful threat will next menace our stalwart heroes?"
B: "Futons."

#RepressedSarcasm

"You are the polar opposite of fergalicous."

#EnthusiasticNonsense

"It's the futhark era, funked up with a Viking twist."

#RepressedAnger

"Your insanity inspires people to punch your mother."

BOLO: A couple in their forties, being weird near the milk products...

(UIM and Frage are standing in the dairy aisle at Target.)
(Behind them, another customer is on the phone relating the various berry flavors of yogurt which are available.)
Frage: "Well, they don't have the brands I want."
UIM: "I just hope they have snozberry flavor."
Frage: (pats UIM on the shoulder) "Maybe someday they will have it for you."
(Frage leans in close.)
Frage: "Or maybe they'll have dingleberry flavor for you."
(Frage and UIM crack up laughing.)
UIM: "Ew.  Tastes like a Tea Party screed."
(Frage and UIM crack up laughing harder, gasping for air.)
UIM: " ' There's this weird couple, walks into various Targets, and stands around laughing in the dairy aisle.'  I don't want to be on a Target corporate Wanted poster."

Maybe we've got a motto there. Let's translate it into Latin and stick it under a shield.

UIM: "Well, I'm sorry I pushed the joke too far."
Frage: "No, you be you, honey."
UIM: "Awwww."
Frage: "And suffer the consequences."
UIM: "Grrrr."

Nothing you can do sometimes, because MFBC

(While in a cab on the way to work one morning, thanks to Metra trains running way behind, we discussed certain untrustworthy processes at my workplace.)
Frage: "I argued that, on the business end, but I'm sorry I couldn't stop the insanity."
UIM: "You couldn't have stopped the insanity, because no one is going to listen to the sane.  You could only have stopped it with worse insanity, because Motherf^{kers Be Crazy."
(Pause.)
UIM: " ' Hey, why do UIM and Frage have matching tattoos of MFBC on their clavicles?'  'Because Motherf^{kers Be Crazy.' "
Frage: "We might have to use it as the monogram on our wedding invitations."

That's the sound of the man working in the data gang.

(On Take Your Children to Work Day, my boss had to run a small stock-trading simulation game with the kids.)
(He spent a few minutes prepping me and my colleague for our parts.)
My boss: "If it all goes off the rails, I may have to ask you gentlemen to describe your jobs in 30 seconds."
Me: "Uh, boss?  What is my job description?"
(Pause, as my boss of 8 years stares at me exactly how you imagine he would.)
Me: "Because I've never successfully explained my job in 30 seconds.  Or without profanity."

We don't let him plan things. It's for everybody's safety.

(Frage comes through the living room as UIM watches music videos on demand.)
UIM: "Hey, sweetie, what do you think about this as your entrance music at the wedding?"
(UIM presses play, and Ludacris appears on tv.)
Ludacris: "My chick bad, my chick hood.  My chick do stuff your chick wish she could."
Frage: "I'd be worried and offended if I believed you were serious."

So much drama in Cook County.

We're getting ready for a car trip up to her dad's.  I'm coming back down to the city that evening to return the rental car.
Her: "So, what are your plans for the rest of the weekend?"
Me: "Oh, you know." (Pause.) "Rollin' down the street; smokin' indo; sippin' on gin and juice."
Her: "Make sure you take the cats with you.  April-kitty does love her gin and juice."

East Coast-West Coast strife

We're watching the music video for "Happy", by Pharrell Willliams.
Her: "Hey, it's MJ."
Me: "No, that's not Michael Jordan, that's Magic -" (pause) "oh."
Her: "Yeah, hello, Lakers' girl here."
Me: "I had wondered about all those purple and gold shorts you have."

Security through obscenity?

(We were listening to the radio show, "Wait Wait Don't Tell Me", as Paula Poundstone goes on a mini-rant about passwords.)
Paula Poundstone: "I cannot come up with any more passwords.  It's why I have 16 cats."
Her: "So, Useless Information Man, is that why you know so many porn performer names?"
Me: "I assure you, when I started down that road of depravity in fall of 1987, computer security was not one of my concerns."

We'll never stop; we'll never quit; cause we're wed-allica.

(Discussing songs for the wedding)
Her: "You know, I do want to include songs that mean something to you.  You can have a Metallica song in there."
Me: "They only have one love song, 'Nothing Else Matters', and I don't like it much, and two of my friends had it at their weddings, anyway."

#ThisDidntActuallyHappen

"I'll quote my dad's Ballsac Droop rule - the more time you spend hanging around an a$$#0le, the more likely folks will have to tell you that you stink."

#FictionalConversations

A; "When she finishes my sentences, I call her 'Psi-Judge Anderson'. This annoys her enough to stop talking to me for a few hours."
B: "Promise me you won't ever write any relationship books."

#RepressedAnger

"Retreat, thou cackling dunghen!"

#ThisDidntActuallyHappen,

"He has openly declared that all lottery winnings will be spent in dimly-lit neon-accented rooms with flimsily-dressed bottle blondes."

#FictionalConversations

A: "So, what you been up to?"
B: "Dreaming of vigilante justice."
(Pause)
A: "Are you the terror that flaps in the night?"

#RepressedAnger

"The evil that developers write lives on and  must be maintained."

#FictionalConversations AND #RepressedAnger

A: "And we'll make a lovely dress for Cinderelly."
B: "Shut up and hand me some cheese."

#EnthusiasticNonsense

"It is time to establish our funk hegemony."

#RepressedAnger

"Fun is only a pneumatic drill rental away."

#FictionalConversations

A: "So, I was working my mojo on her -"
B: "You don't have a mojo.  You might have a mojito."
C: "I thought we sprayed for mojitos."
B: "No, but we did plant a Squeamish Vibe-Trap."

#RepressedSarcasm

"Shiny happy people eating paint."

I always assume everyone thinks this, in response to anything I say.

"And why should I listen to the depressed scribbling guy hunched in the corner?"

#EnthusiasticNonsense

"What up, essayist?"

And sometimes, in a meeting, the sarcasm goes unrepressed.

“I’m not sure that the guy who is five minutes late to every meeting should be the guy enforcing standards.”

This could yield another useful acronym.

A phrase I heard quoted from a British police report:

"... drink-related anti-social behavior ..."

DRASB.

I think this acronym should show up in most of the posts on Texts from Last Night.

"Was I quiet when I blacked out, or full-on DRASB?"
"You DRASBed up the place, broheim."

#ThisDidntActuallyHappen

"He's no longer allowed to utter the words 'groove', 'funk', 'thang', 'bling', 'booty', 'mojo', 'boo-ya', or 'sesquipedalian'.  We are allowed to enforce this ban with fair-to-middling prejudice "

#FictionalConversations

A: "Well, you can't, you won't, and you don't stop."
B: "Try task manager."

#RepressedSarcasm

"Sales promotions?  That's what Tiggers do best!"

#RepressedAnger

"Our crash detection system is an unwilling bystander strapped to our hood."

#RepressedSarcasm

"The closest he gets to 'warm fuzzies' is 'asbestos'. "

#RepressedAnger

"Nobody trusts your groove thang."

If you have a problem, if no one else can help, and if you can find them, maybe you can hire....

"I deeply enjoy it when a blueprint is properly executed."
....
"He's on the free-form extemporaneous improvisation."
...
"I feel deep sorrow for the weak-minded individual."

#RepressedAnger

"Bring me the epiglotti of the fools who assail me!"

from the back files, 2010 - discussions after a comic convention.

One of my work colleagues was asking me about C2E2, and then opining that as the father of a small daughter himself, taking pictures of the cosplayers was even more fraught with peril.
At which point I wrote the following fictional conversation....

Her: “A-HEM.”
Him: “Yeah, hon?”
Her: “Who are all these women on your digital camera?”
Him: “It’s not just women. There’s pictures of the Batmobile and the Delorean, too. And this is the 501rst Legion. And there’s Jack Sparrow.”
Her: “Captain Jack Sparrow.”
Him: “Right, hon.”
Her: “And why is SHE holding our daughter?”
Him: “Well, it’s a thematic thing, hon. Our daughter is wearing a Supergirl costume, and that woman is dressed up like Power Girl, who is actually Supergirl’s Earth-Two version…”
Her: “You mean someone designed that top deliberately for a superhero? And published it?”
Him: “A bunch of dirty old men in the 70’s. I believe.”
Her: “And this poster you bought?” (http://www.dccomics.com/dcdirect/?dcd=11401 )
Him: “Adam Hughes draws really well, and he signed it for her right here.”
Her: “And you think it’s going up in our daughter’s room?”
Him: “These are all positive role models – well, okay, except for Catwoman, Harley Quinn and Poison Ivy…”
Her: “You’re sleeping on the couch this week.”

#RepressedSarcasm

"Well, I'm looking at the man in the mirror, asking him to change his ways. He's just telling me to f^{k off.."

Signs You Should Tone Down Your Nerdiness (originally written down back in 2008)

1)  If anyone asks about your plans for a given future time, you automatically respond, "The same thing we do every night, Pinky - try and take over the world!"

2)  When gathering a group of people to go out for the evening, you demand that they respond to the call, "Avengers Assemble".

2a) Your first choice was, "To me, my X-men!"

3)  At least 30% of your bed linens show licensed characters.

4)  You have heard the sentence, "While this is my house, there will be no bat-pole installed."

4a)  Alternately, "... there will be no bat-signal installed."

5)  You are currently recovering from an injury inflicted by weapons composed of anything other than metal.

6)  You are over the age of 8, and have made a light-saber noise in recent memory.

7)  You have ever used the phrase "As you wish" as a pickup line.

8)  You have ended a work presentation with the phrase "... and hear the lamentations of their women."

9)  You have ever attempted to have a person from eastern Europe state "Moose and squirrel are getting away."

10)  You have carried on conversations only contributing Sean Connery quotes.

11)  Your car's bumper proclaims political support for licensed characters.

12)  A major remodeling project has required Lego bricks.

13)  Home defense systems rely on compressed air and foam-object impacts.

14)  You have forcibly ejected from a hobby store.

15)  You know the Yankovic parody lyrics far better than the original lyrics.

16)  You have bought enought model paint to cover the outside of the building you live in.

17)  Any portion of yoor living quarters has a sign reading "Fortress of Solitude" / "Danger Room" / "The Swamp" / "The La-BOR-atory".

18)  You consistently mutter at your workstation, "Hello, computer" in a bad Scots accent.

18a)  Alternately, "Open the pod bay doors, HAL."

#EnthusiasticNonsense

"Houston, we have achieved full-throttle nerdosity."

If I weren't so lazy and disorganized, I'd have one of these e-mail addresses by now.

hermit_curmudgeon@luddite.org

someone@who.cares.com

blatant_contradiction@anarchy.org

#RepressedAnger

"No, the other reindeer don't let you play in their games because you're an a$$#0le."

#RepressedSarcasm

"It's so exciting around here we spell 'week' with an h - 'WHEE-k' "

I've been waiting years to work this one into a conversation.

"Awww, maaan.  Just because a guy wears dark clothes... and cackles evil-ly... and daydreams about his enemies' heads on pikes surrounding his castle in the Carpathians.... doesn't mean he's a bad person."

#RepressedSarcasm

"Waaait a minute!  This isn't a VCA Pictures Presentation!"

The acronym YOLO is overdone - here are some other acronyms folks could find helpful.

Words of Consolation:

AGWABOMO - Above Ground Walking and Breathing On My Own.  Use when you are not that enthused about your life, but honestly grateful that your life is not worse.

TANJ - There Ain't No Justice.  (from the novel Ringworld, by Larry Niven)


Words of Flippancy:

OLAST - Ooooh, Look, a Shiny Thing.

DABSITW (dab'-sit-oo) - Does a Bear S#!+ in the Woods?

HWANEU - Here We Are Now, Entertain Us.  (from the song "Smells Like Teen Spirit" by Nirvana)

EMWIKTS - Excuse Me, While I Kiss the Sky.  (from the song "Purple Haze" sung by Jimi Hendrix)


Words of Principle:

KYBO - Keep Your Bigotry Outside.


Words of Rebellion or Frolic:

IANAGU - I Am Not a Grown-Up.

TWEMMARA - They Won't Ever Make Me a Responsible Adult.

CHIASA - Cleverly Hiding Inside a Supposed Adult.

LOFAKOMF (loaf' - a - komf) - Looking Out For All Kinds of Messy Fun.

WYWBIGI - (woo' - big - ee) - What You Want, Baby, I Got It.  (from the song "Respect", sung by Otis Redding, covered by Aretha Franklin)


Words of Caution or Advice:

INJOT - It's Never Just One Thing.  Use it with people who think their current problems are traceable to a single point of evil.

EYMIFAHB (aim' - i -fahb) - Everyone You Meet is Fighting a Hard Battle.  (variantly worded and often misattributed to various ancient sources.  Apparently, from a late 1800s Scots author/theologian, Rev. John  Watson, who published fiction under the name Ian Maclaren)

NAWBATSFOY - Never Any Warning Before All the S#!+ Falls on You.  Honestly, if I were raising a child, I would stencil this on the child's bedroom wall.  You can't start paranoia early enough.

AHSETGSIV (a - set' - ge - siv) - Against Human Stupidity, Even the Gods Strive In Vain. (riffing off a often-quoted line by Friedrich Schiller in his play "Die Jungfrau von Orleans")   I would stencil this on another wall of the child's bedroom.

YAMCAJ - You Always Must Change at Jamaica.    If you have ever taken the Long Island Rail Road to or from Manhattan, you understand the concept of a choke-point in its clearest form.


Words of Anger or Judgment:

AHPHIHAS (ah - fee' - has) - Another Half-Planned, Half-Implemented, Half-Assed Solution.

CHOTTOW - Crucify Him On the Tree Of Woe.  (from the first filmed version of Conan the Barbarian)  "This person has caused me deep pain, and I wish I could return it five-fold back."

INATMABB - I Need a Time Machine and Baseball Bat.  "If only I had known these things back when I could have prevented our current misery."

ITWHOFICPU (it' - who - fic -poo) - If the World Had One Face, I Could Punch It.  (riffing off of a cruel comment attributed to the Roman emperor Caligula)

SDTRBOL (z - dir' - ball) - Sliding Down the Razor Blade of Life.  (from the song "Bright College Days" by Tom Lehrer)

TSIFU (t -sif' -u) - That S#!+ is F^cked Up.

Dream worriers

Frage: "I had the weirdest dream this morning."
UIM: "I'm sorry."
Frage: "I was pregnant, and due.  You were pushing people out of the way to get me to a doctor."
UIM: "Good.  I would be doing that."
Frage: "And the doctor said, sorry, we're only delivering twenty babies today."
UIM: "You've got to stop reading your dad's Obama rants."

from the back files: new symbol follies

From: UIM
Sent: Tuesday, December 17, 2013 7:23 AM
Subject: new symbol follies.

As usual, going through the morning new symbols, trying to wring amusement out of the process.
RTMFD - RT MINERALS CORP COM NEW
Here, I was deeply disappointed that the company's name wasn't "Read the M*****F****** Documentation, Inc".

-UIM

Compare with...

http://www.catb.org/jargon/html/R/RTBM.html
http://www.catb.org/jargon/html/R/RTFB.html
http://www.catb.org/jargon/html/R/RTFM.html
http://www.catb.org/jargon/html/R/RTFS.html
http://www.catb.org/jargon/html/R/RTS.html

#FictionalConversations

A: "Quit your random scribbling, and show our databases some love."
B: "Sorry, but our databases are on my 'Enemies-with-Drawbacks' list."
C: "I guess that's better than a 'Friends-with-Cost/Benefit-Analyses' list."

#RepressedSarcasm

"She got the gold mine; I got the arsenic poisoning."

#RepressedAnger

"Has everyone been drinking wine out of lead-lined containers?  Have they been licking mercury-laced lollipops?"

#RepressedAnger

"They are the Im-mul-inati.  They get everything backwards, and refuse to ever admit it."

from the back files: A sentence I have spoken today.

From: UIM
Sent: Tuesday, December 10, 2013 11:05 AM
Subject: A sentence I have spoken today.

"Well, my mom used to say, 'You sit up nights thinking of ways to drive me crazy.'  It never made her feel better to hear that it was all natural improv talent."

-UIM.

Sign language.

(This compresses and streamlines three different conversations over a couple of days.)
Her: "Yes, you think you are hilarious."
Me: "Maybe for Christmas, I should get you a nice set of signs, so you can save your voice for important stuff."
Her: "What?"
Me: "Well, you know, such as 'Yes, you've told this anecdote before.'"
Her: "Could be useful."
Me: (Mimes holding up independent signs.) "'He think's he funny; we're not sure why.'  'Oh my god, please stop singing.'"
Her: "Ooh!  That would be good."
Me: "'No one wants to hear that old comedy routine.'"
Her: "Keep going, you're talking me into it."
Me:"'Thank you, Useless Information Man.'"
Her: "Of course, there's two flaws with this plan."
Me: "One: I never follow through on any of my plans."
Her: "And Two: none of these signs would stop you in the slightest."
Me: (Mock-sweet-and-cute) "Thank you for loving me just the way I am."
Her: (Mimes holding up a sign.) "Yes, you think you are hilarious."

We work well together.

As my sweetheart and I walked along Lawrence Avenue, on our way to get llunch and to do errands, we passed a taqueria that had "Free-Wifi" and "Special Taco $1.50 Tuesday and Thursday" signs stacked too close together in the window.

Me: "Free wi-fi special taco."
Her: "What?"
Me: "The signs in the window.  I don't know what a wi-fi taco would be."
Her: "Of course."
Me: "I don't even know how one could eat a digital taco."
Her: "Open your mouth really wide."
Me: "Man, worst superhero name ever."
Her: "Open your mouth really wide?"
Me: "I meant 'Digital Taco' ."
Her: "My suggestion is worse."
Me: "But superhero names are never imperative sentences.  Nobody is going to trust 'Captain Let's Get the Hell Out of Here.' Or the superhero invoked by all kids traveling with siblings, 'The Amazing Stop Touching Me Stop Touching Me Mom Make Him Stop Touching Me' ."

Truth be told, it is one of the better battle cries I am likely to yell.

One of the earlier times when my girlfriend were doing laundry together, I had to spend some time purging all of my socks that have been falling apart.

This somehow led to "Check my sock holes!" as a pseudo-insult, or profanity replacement.

#ThisDidntActuallyHappen

"NO!  DON'T ASK!  He'll bring back the Amish Transformers jokes!  I don't want to hear about ObadiahPrime and the Plainbots ANY MORE!"

#UnworkableIdeas

"And now, the Fourth Annual Tournament of Lingerie Parade, sponsored by Frederick's of Hollywood."

#RepressedSarcasm

"He's Victor von Doom's special-needs brother."

#FictionalConversations

A: "He's in the men's room, painting his face and chest blue, and muttering about blood."
B: "Yeeeeah.  Time to break for lunch."

#RepressedAnger

"Not just failure.  We keep setting ourselves up for Apocalypse."

#EnthusiasticNonsense

"Let's go roller-skate on the abandoned roof!"

#RepressedAnger

"Man, if we ran the Death Star, you wouldn't even need a rebel strike force.  One pissed-off Wookie could punch a junction box and the damn thing would detonate."

#EnthusiasticNonsense

"Hand over your noodle product with all due speed!!"

#FictionalConversations

A: "What twisted viciousness are you unleashing?"
B: "It involves eighty Nerf arrows, a gallon of glue, and three pissed-off squirrels."

A comment from back in 2010, when various family members flew to Florida.

"Angry men with beards get special attention at the airport nowadays."

The Troubleshooter's Lament

No one likes the guy with facts.
He makes them try to wield an axe.
Correcting errors often cracks
Folks' self-control, and spurs attacks.

#EnthusiasticNonsense

"Come, and let me gurgle sweet null-values into your pretty little SQL table."

#RepressedAnger

"Hearing her voice feels like angry Norse dwarves punching my gut."

#FictionalConversations

A: "What is up with your pheromones?"
B: "I adjusted the chemistry to smell like chocolate and new shoes."

#RepressedSarcasm

"Everybody wants the magic flavoring."

#FictionalConversations

A: "Pelt them with almonds!"
B: "Stupidest. Cyanide delivery system.  Ever."

#EnthusiasticNonsense

"Pack up, thumpasaurus peoples!  We are on the grooove, and IT IS MIGHTY!"

#RepressedSarcasm

"My mojo is on strike for better groove conditions."

#FictionalConversations

A: "Seriously - E. B. White would blast you with a shotgun."
B: "Just don't let James Thurber aim a bow-and-arrow at me."

#RepressedAnger

"I shall pelt you with sticky worms, then set loose the crazed attack geese."

#FictionalConversations

A: "Hear my words, and tremble before my power!  I am coo-coo for Cocoa Puffs!"
B: "Man, I can't wait until 'coo-coo for Cocoa Puffs' makes it into the DSM."

#ThisDidntActuallyHappen

"According to the affadavits, they had a separate area filled with comics and action figures, which they referred to as the 'von Doom Room'. "

#FictionalConversations

A: "Nobody ever says 'hung like an Eeyore', right?"
B: "Well, considering what happened to his tail..."

#RepressedAnger

"Some folks ruffle my feathers.  You pluck my wings, then bitch at me when I can't fly."

It's like he hasn't known me for 24 years.

Lunch with Taoiseach today
I was blabbering the stripped-down version of my move-out drama.
Taoiseach: "So, if you don't go into your storage lockers for a year, you should be able to look at the pile and decide you can get rid of it."
UIM: "Yeah, if I was capable of that level of rationality, I wouldn't need two 10x10 storage lockers."

@midnight #hashtagwars #oldermusicians

Iron Deficient Maiden
Accessibility Van Halen
Ohio Mah-Jongg Players
Metal-Hip-ica
Men at Retirement

#RepressedSarcasm

“I’m just tired of having to go back to the Wonderful Wizard of Oops, and begging him to get it right this time.”

Stutter-steps towards a better me: Trying to replace profanity when I am angry

FUTHARK (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Elder_Futhark)

FUZZBUCKET

FUSSBUDGET

PUSBUCKET

CRABNUGGETS

MUDPUZZLE

DUBGUPPY

BUGDUMPER

TUGPUMPER

HUGLUMPER

MUGBUMPER

GRUBLUGGER

GRASS-VOLE

DICE-TOLL

from the back files: Obligatory personal note on an e-mail discussion about gun control.

From: UIM

Sent: Monday, November 11, 2013 12:52 PM

ObligatoryPersonalNote: Somewhere around age 14 I realized I should not pursue my desires to become a police detective, as I realized that people with my crappy temper should not carry firearms....

October visit to Southern California

We're standing on the Santa Monica pier, with the temp in the low 70s.
Me: "So, wait, it's still October here in California?"
Her: "Yes, dear."
Me: "Okay, I can finally understand why people tolerate the earthquakes, mudslides, and wildfires."

from the back files: I don't understand the world, but I don't understand my own brain, either. So, I guess it all evens out.

From: UIM

Sent: Wednesday, October 23, 2013 8:07 AM

Subject: I don't understand the world, but I don't understand my own brain, either. So, I guess it all evens out.

So, my subconscious burped up a gag from the first season of Growing Pains, where Mike is trying to con his dad into paying for karate lessons.

So, I searched for it on the internet.

And the only link I found with it was a site that apparently helps teach English via old sitcom scripts.

http://www.wwenglish.com/en/club/gp/5384.htm

106. Jason: That's important to you, is it?

107. Mike: Oh, yeah dad. I mean without discipline dad, each one of us is like a waterless craft in the sea of conflicting desires. And you know what, Dad? I need the rudder that karate will give me.

108. Jason: I see. So what you're saying is that you're taking karate to reach the spiritual state of...Don Ho.

109. Mike: Right, Don Ho.

110. Jason: Mike. Don Ho is the Hawaiian singer who recorded " Tiny bubbles".

111. Mike: Right. Very spiritual guy.

She is not necessarily thrilled with me building a quote list.

(After I found some quotes from the month before and shared them again...)
"And yet, you wrote it down, word for word, to read it at me when I am at my weakest."

Tear the roof off the sucker.

17 Oct 2013
(Frage and UIM are walking down the street.)
Frage: "Weee got the funk."
Frage and UIM: "Gotta have that funk. Weeee need the funk.  Gotta get that funk."
UIM: "Got a real kind of thing going down getting down, there's a whole lot of rhythm goin round."
Frage: "See, lyrics are your shiny object.  I just have to say one line and it distracts you."
UIM: "Yes, but it's sort of entrapment, because you get annoyed when I continue."
Frage: "Well, I'd like you to finish sooner.  Me, one line, and I'm done."
UIM: "It happens a lot as we get older."
Frage: "Let's stop calling me old, okay?"
UIM: "We're both old.  We're just two years away from telling kids to put down their Nintendos and get off our lawns."
Frage: "We've always been like that.  That's not age; it's a personality crack."
UIM: "Which is better than a crack personality."

Four years, a lot of emotional mileage, and a lot of bewilderment

Friends don't let friends post bewildered, of course.

But, I am still around, and still crappy at staying in touch with people.

But there have been some heavy changes since I killed the previous incarnation of the GWBench.

Dad passed away in the summer of 2010. It was a quick downhill slide for him between late April and Late August - pancreatic cancer. I would not wish that one anyone, even the people I have hated. (By contrast, I probably would wish upon people I hate something like... well, bedbugs in their urethras.)

Mom retired from working last year, and has to confront that her packrat tendencies have complicated her life. She's making changes, and generally, I think she is happier.

And since the fall of 2010, I have been dating a woman who still seems to like me. I just finished moving in with her a few weeks ago, and I am dealing with the constant challenges of NOT FUCKING THIS RELATIONSHIP UP.

But I am slightly smarter than I was 10 years ago. And I am more practiced at accepting that my immediate emotional response to anything probably should not guide my behavior.  And maybe we've got a good shot at a healthy relationship.

I will try to get back in touch with the people I care about.

Once more, until you hear from me, may peace and love and happiness fill your life to overflowing.

Often times, she does not find me as funny as I think I am.

Me: "Honey, I'm out of tissues.  Do you have any tissue packets?"
Her: "Of course." (rummages in her bag, hands me a packet.) "Who's the best girlfriend ever?"
Me: "Charlize Theron.  But you are a close second."
Her: (GLARE.)

#ThisDidn'tActuallyHapppen

From: UIM

Sent: Friday, August 30, 2013 9:59 AM

Subject: this didn't actually happen

"So, do you guys have a swear jar down her?'

"We did. UIM got tired of turning over his paycheck, so he just started saying , 'fuzzbucket', and we couldn't afford beer any more."

"That sucks."

"So then we fined him for 'fuzzbucket's, but he threw us a 20 and then changed to shooting us with foam darts every time he wanted to curse."

"I'm... not sure what to say about that."

"We decided not to fine him for anything, since we don't want to know what he'd escalate to if we fined him for foam darts."

from the back files: I know I am a horrible misanthrope.

From:    UIM
Sent:     Wednesday, August 28, 2013 10:29 AM
Subject:  I know I am a horrible misanthrope.

My subconscious finally answered the question, "If I had to throw a Thirsty Thursday, what theme would I actually be happy with, given that I don't want to talk to large swaths of this company?"

The answer was a "Bacon and Inebriation Meditation" theme.  The beer and bacon theme we just had, plus, no one is allowed to talk.  Everybody just sits down quietly and drinks their booze and eats their bacon.

how your friends remember you‏

(From an e-mail exchange after I got in touch with Tempest again.)

Tempest: "Is it bad that when I hear that Icona Pop song I think of you?  'I crashed my car into a bridge... I don't care...' "

UIM: "It occurred to me that at least one of my friends would.  However, I have to point out that Nightskye crashed his car into a bridge first."

from the back files: And, exit, stage - thump

From: UIM

Sent: Friday, August 02, 2013 4:43 PM

Subject: And, exit, stage - thump

(UIM reaches the elevators, where HappyScrappyPup already stands, with others.)
 

HappyScrappyPup: " Hey, UIM."

UIM: "Hello."

HappyScrappyPup: "So, you have fixed all our RIC-mapping problems?"

(Pause.)

UIM: "Y'know, despite my reputation, it is pretty rare for my first thought to be, 'I should kick this person in the crotch.' -"

(General laughter.)

UIM: "- and now you have brought me to a new low. Thanks."

from the back files: things a friend of mine will probably hear at his flight lesson

A friend at work mentioned to me that he got a groupon-style deal on a flight lesson at a regional airport near him.

Obviously, I worried about that.  And had to write a top ten list

So, from the Home Office near the TRACON station on Touhy Ave just east of Wolf Road -

The Top 10 List of Things {REDACTED} Will Hear at his Flight Lesson:


1)  “Please remove the red-sun hachimaki, sir.”
2)  “No, we don’t sell any certified-pre-owned Apache helicopters.”
3)  “Nobody uses Navy Pier for carrier landing practice any more. Please stop asking.”
4)  “No, we DON’T have an inter-museum loan system with NAS Glenview.”
5)  “Even when you bring your own, we do not mount AAMs on the trainer.”
6)  “I don’t care if it is Stacey Dash, you cannot paint her on the nose of our plane.”
7)  “Please stop referring to the other students as ‘missile shields’ .”
8)  “If you yell, ‘RAMMING SPEED.’ once more, you flunk.”
9)  “THAT is NOT aviation equipment.”
10) “No, you are not required to maneuver straight down any trench, and there is no two-meter-wide target area at all."

One of my other colleagues then provided two more, which i wish I had thought up:
11) “No, it will not be like shooting womp rats in your T-16 back home.”
12) “You don’t go into warp drive by randomly pounding the instrument panel! Also, we don’t ‘warp drive’.”