New suggested album titles from phrases in passing when conversing with my wife.

Errors of my Youth

Toilet Crimes

#RepressedAnger

 "A data editor is without honor in his own organization."

#RepressedAnger

 "Every f^{king week I watch my colleagues summon another f^{king Sta-Puft Marshmallow Man, and then I have to cross the damn streams and clean up all the f^{king marshmallow."

Married Conversation: it ain't easy shaking all night long.

(Driving back home after grocery shopping.)

(UIM turns on the car radio.)

Frage: "There will be no singing."

(First notes of 'You Shook Me All Night Long')

UIM: (Grinning) "Oh.  There will be singing."

(After the intro finishes)

Frage: "She was a fast machine."

UIM: (Kermit voice) "She was a fast machine."

Frage: "IN YOUR OWN VOICE!  NO MUPPETS!  NO CHIPMUNKS!  NO DAD VOICE!"

(UIM laughs to gasping until the guitar solo.)

Married Conversations: And I decided it was about time I made the call...

Frage: "There's a time and a place, and this was a good time."

UIM: "As long as you had a good time.  That's why I wrote my number on the women's room wall."

Frage: "That's weird. When I read it, it said, 'For agita, call..'"

Enthusiastic Nonsense: Great swimmers `cause they'll have his feet

 "I'm in love with a big blue frog.

A big blue frog loves me.

Perfect for a Lovecraft horror film.

Transpose it to a minor key."

Married Conversations: hazelnut philosophy

UIM: "Okay, I am confused.  Why is there a full jar next to a half-full jar?"
Frage: "Sometimes, you need the easy Nutella; sometimes, you make yourself work for it."

Quotes that make me say, 'Fair enough."

 Frage: "I just want to lay down and read about dragons."

#RepressedAnger #Lyrics

Thank you, so much, for causing me pain.
Thank you, so much, for hurting me again.

Your bad design decisions fall upon me like cold rain.

Thank you, for all the pain.

Could you fix your data, by chance?

I never wanted to join in this dance

Of the Masochism Tango that you constantly advance.

Please fix your {bleep}, perchance?

Conversations While Married

Frage: "I may have missed it while I was ranting."

UIM: (fake-innocent) "But you never rant."

Frage: "Yes, yes."

UIM: (fake-innocent) "My wife is sweet and demure and obedient, and never has an unkind word to say about anyone."

Frage: "You really ought start wearing a cup if you insist on talking $#!+ like this."

UIM: (too busy cackling to respond.)

Frage: "I may only have one good knee left, but I'm pretty sure I can knee you with it."

UIM: (still cackling)

Frage: "Obedient, my @$$..."

Conversations While Married

(Frage is a Shark Week enthusiast.)

(Frage also had to have a quiet day on Sunday because of a migraine.)

UIM: "Still watching Shark Week recordings?"

Frage: "Well, yeah, I am catching up from Migraine Sunday."

UIM: "Least popular holiday on the calendar."

(Pause)

UIM: "I don’t recall the vestment colors, but instead of flagellating your back, you have to smack yourself in the face."

Frage: "Wait, with a fish?"

UIM: "No, Fish-Slapping Dance is a Monty Python gag.  So that would be Church of England."

Some Say Waffles, They are a Razor....

Last Saturday, Frage and I were eating breakfast in an hourly-rental car before grocery shopping.

Frage misheard the word 'love' as 'waffles'.

(My fault for talking while eating.)

So of course, the Lyric Word Replacement gag came out of mothballs.

In this case, replace the word 'love' in a lyric with 'waffles'.

As examples: The Beatles are now singing "Can't Buy Me Waffles"; and Tina Turner is now asking "What's Waffles Got to Do with It?"

(Yes, it blows the scansion to hell, but I decided to run with it anyway)

So, the top 11 that I thought up today....

11."Crazy in Waffles" - Beyonce

10."Sunshine of Your Waffles" - Cream

9. "You Give Waffles a Bad Name" - Bon Jovi

8. "And in the end, the waffles you take/ Are equal to the waffles you make." - The Beatles, "The End"

7. "Shake Your Waffles" - Debbie Gibson

6. "Making Waffles Out of Nothing at All" - Air Supply

5. "You pull the trigger on my/ Waffle Gun." - Kiss

4. "The Greatest Waffle of All" - Whitney Houston

3. "How Deep is Your Waffle" - Bee Gees

2. "Tainted Waffles" originally recorded by Gloria Jones in 1964, covered in the 1981 by Soft Cell.

1. "Some people call me the Space Cowboy./ Some call me the Gangster of Waffles." - Steve Miller, "The Joker".

Married Conversations: I need a little room to operate, here.

Frage: "Have fun.  Make good choices.  Don't cry in meetings."

UIM: "Why do you want to limit my options?"

Married Conversations

UIM: "I have to call in to an all-hands that they declared last week. I hope it's more 'here's how we're dealing with COVID' and not 'we're selling you for medical experiments'."

Frage: "Could be both."

UIM: "You're right. Those aren't mutually exclusive."

Married Conversations: pillaging just like everybody else does.

Frage: "Somehow I keep startling this one co-worker.  I think they are going to want me to wear a bell."

UIM: "Well, you are descended from the rare Nordic Ninjas.  The small strain of introverted Vikings - they were okay with pillaging and plundering, but they didn't want to make a lot of noise about it, and they needed some quiet time to recharge afterward."

(Pause.)

(UIM snickers.)

Frage: (resigned to it) "Okay, what of your own jokes are you laughing at now."

UIM: "Just imagining a panning camera shot down the longboat, all the other Vikings are singing and drinking as they return home with booty, and there's just this one morose Viking in the middle.  Soundtrack is playing "How Soon is Now" by the Smiths."

Conversations while Married

(Walking home after running errands with an hourly-rental van.)

Frage: "Look at that one guy, no headlights on at 9 at night!"

UIM: "I refer you back to our earlier conversation: there's a$$#0le drivers everywhere; no sense getting offended by them."

Frage: "Look: I point out dogs when I see them; I point out a$$#0les when I see them.  This is who I am."

UIM: "As long as you don't point out dog's a$$#0les, I guess I can -"

Frage: (shocked by what she thought she heard) "What about putting on tassels?"

(UIM starts cackling and gasping for air - stops and cackles very loudly, slapping his knee, for most of a minute.)

(UIM looks up at Frage, solemnly staring at him, and he cackles some more.)

UIM: "No, I said - As long as you don't point out dog's a$$#0les -"

(Frage starts cackling, as they start walking again.)

(A few minutes later, Frage and UIM pass a woman carrying a tiny dog.)

Frage: (smiling at woman) "He's so tiny and cute."

(A moment passes.)

UIM: (leaning in to Frage) "Now, please do not point out the dog's a$$#ole."

(Frage surprise laughs, then regards UIM worriedly.)

Frage: "Go on, say 'a$$#0le' a little louder. People will -"

UIM: (louder) 'A$$#0le A Little Louder."

Frage: "Seriously, in public?  People get offended by that.  This time it was an innocent woman carrying a chihuahua, but what if a gang member thought you were -"

UIM: (cop voice) "Against the wall, please, I need to search you for chihuahuas."

Frage: "What?"

UIM: "Hey, you're the one who said gang members would be carrying chihuahuas..."

Frage: "No!"

UIM: (cop voice) "We believe there's gang involvement smuggling unlicensed chihuahuas from Indiana, where chihuahua ownership is less regulated."

Repressed Anger - Long Distance Banking Edition.

"Wow, I can actually feel my Dad's  spirit rising out of me now -"
(Switches to Aggrieved Dad voice)
"I don't know why I gotta ask the same question five times to get one answer.  I don't know why I gotta ask the same question ten times to get an ACCURATE answer.  But if THAT'S the way you want to run this clown car, all right."
(Back to normal voice.)
"Of course, that was not an accurate Dad quote.  There was nowhere near enough profanity.  F-bombs would have been falling like spring raindrops."

I wish I had thought of this line 20 years ago.

You can test any case you want
At analysis restaurant.

from the back files: data gnomes

An e-mail chain from Oct 2009.

UIM: Well, the morning full symbol database load should be happening soon, so maybe some magic will happen, and the suspiciously-merry data gnomes will carry the symbol into the editing interface.

Developer: Didn't anyone tell you? The IBDG Local 334 is on strike. We've been trying to hire scabs, but the gnomes hired bridge trolls to keep anyone from breaking the picket line.

UIM: I had wondered why a wav file of “Joe Hill” launched when I opened the editing interface this morning.  Apparently, we never loaded the reagan32.dll to prevent this sort of thing.

from the back files: sharing one's emotions at work.

From: UIM
Sent: Monday, October 26, 2009 3:06 PM
Subject: sharing one's emotions at work.
"If only we can modulate the waves of depression that UIM emanates, so that we can encode information.  Expect to be used as an inbound NIC when the devs are ready to test the TCP/BLAH protocol. "


(Current note: writing it today, I might name it the TCP/BPD protocol.)

When that doctor asked me, 'Son, how'd you get in this condition?'

Last summer, while at a cousin's wedding weekend, I was talking with my brother, Shell, and quoted myself, "I accept that we come from the 'hold my beer and watch this' demographic."
Shell: "F**k that, I'll do it one-handed. I'm not letting anyone touch my beer."
UIM: "Hm.  Yeah.  That is more accurate to our family traditions."

Bears and popes and such

Two different conversations within the last year.

---

(Sitting at home, while my wife, Frage, points out I may have gone too far with my humor.)
Frage: “But you just had to poke the bear with a short stick.”
Frage: (UIM voice) “Well, why did you bring a bear here to begin with?”
Frage: (different voice) “Well, there’s no sign saying bears aren’t allowed.”
(UIM cackles.)
UIM: “See?  Isn’t fun to do both sides of the argument?”
Frage: “When I do it, yes.  Not so much when you do it.”

---

(Riding in the car on the way up to the suburbs.)
Frage: “You’re wrong.”
UIM: “Wait? Am I in a forest?”
Frage: “I don’t know.  Do you see a pope sh*tting?”
UIM: “I see a bear in a pope hat.”



Note: The "If a man speaks in the forest" joke is one of the first jokes my wife told me after we started dating.  Hence, it's more "couple shorthand" and less "UIM really believes that crap."

Truths and useful phrases from a previous boss.

"Thank you for your two cents, but I'm afraid you've got change coming back."

"Go sell that crazy somewhere else."

"If the high point is the tree catching on fire, then I just won't bother with Christmas."

"Yeah, that's it - we smoked the pooch right there."


"I don't want anyone horizontal on those couches.  When people go horizontal, stuff starts coming out of them."

This happens two or three times a day at work...

... as I make mistakes.

Me: "What are you doing, UIM?"
Me: "F**king up."
Me: "Okay, as long as you know what you're doing."

(Yes, it's kind of a Heathers reference.)

Coining words at work

Other Team's Lead: “You coined the word ‘suckage’ today.”
UIM: “I did?”
(pause)
UIM: “Was this when I blanked out while talking to {The Head of the Development Group here}?”
Other Team's Lead: “I do that all the time.”
UIM: “No, I mean, literally, I have no recollection of that five minute slice of time.”
Other Team's Lead: “You said, ‘Everything sucks!  The suckage is everywhere!’ “
UIM: “Thank you.”

Workplace environmental variables

For whatever reason, during a discussion with the team's project manager:

Project Manager: "Just don't do the Time Warp dance."
UIM: "But, {name}, it's just a jump to the left."

Within a minute, he IMs me the lyrics.

Prompting my response via IM:
"Yeah, I know the lyrics.  Strangely enough, I was not going to utter the phrase 'pelvic thrust' at work until I was forced to do so by circumstances outside my control."

She does have to remind herself that she chose me out of the herd...

During a conversation:
Frage: "You're missing the point, yet again."
UIM : "I prefer to think of it as, avoiding the point, with the skill of a matador."

#ThisDidn'tActuallyHappen

A: “We tried instituting a talking stick for the daily outage meeting.”
B: “Well, that method doesn’t work for every group meeting.”
A: “Yeah, the problem was that Ops viewed it more as a ‘talking bo-staff’ or ‘talking quarter-stave’, depending whether they were watching more Asian martial arts movies or Robin-Hood-type movies recently.”
B: “So, management took the stick away.”
A: “Well, more that Ops insisted on upgrading to a ‘talking machete’, so, at that point we just went back to the standard outage meeting format of sitting at a table with groups sullenly glaring at each other.”

#RepressedAnger

"Have you outsourced the data correction to particularly slow and decrepit mules?"

#RepressedAnger

"Are there any other similar enhancements to the datafeed which you've been planning, such as catapults full of pigeon guano aimed at our homes?"

#RepressedAnger

"There are not enough animated-gifs-of-Darth-Vader-force-choking-an-incompetent on the entire internet to express how enraging this is."

from the back files: glass

From: UIM
Sent: Tuesday, April 09, 2013 9:59 AM
"You're not a glass-half-full person, really."
"I'm not even a glass-half-empty person.  The glass is chipped, and cracked, and has contaminated sea water, and someone is trying to pour it in my nose."

Another typical home conversation.

(As UIM rises from the couch, he knocks a pillow off onto the floor.)
UIM: (singing) "F**k you, pillow; f**k yoooooou."
Frage: (from the bedroom) "What are you cursing now?"
UIM: "Everything.  I am launching imprecations at the totality of existence."
Frage: (tired) "Awesome."

People Should Not Ask UIM for Explanations.

(After UIM makes a passing mention in a work e-mail.)
Colleague: "Mutant Lobsters from Riverhead?"
UIM: "Once while bored on Chicago mass transit,I tried to imagine a cheesy horror movie set in the area where I grew up.  Riverhead is the county seat.  It was easy for me to imagine mutant lobsters (caused by the Navy testing something odd out at Calverton) rampaging up the Peconic River and leveling Riverhead, before swerving south to crush the Hamptons in their buttery oversized claws."

Let's face it, folks, she's tired.

(UIM and Frage driving around, doing errands.)
(Frage is audibly irritated by a couple different pedestrians stepping thoughtlessly into the road in front of her.)
UIM : “You have to remember: These are simple people.”
(Frage chuckles.)
UIM: “The common clay of the new West.”
Frage: “What?”
UIM: “You know: morons.”
(Silence.)
UIM: “Look, I either answer that, or, ‘Mongo only pawn in game of life.’  Quotes from Blazing Saddles are all I’ve got right now.”
Frage: “Thank you so much.”
UIM: “I certainly don’t think I can respond with ‘I think he said the sheriff’s near’ relevantly.”

Freeze frame

(Frage is getting slightly frustrated trying to take a picture of UIM to send to his mom.)
Frage: "I have to take 7 pictures just to get one useful one."
UIM: "Well, that's how the good photographers do it. They let the subject be natural and just take the pictures they need."
Frage: "Yes, but you being natural is this frowny scary person that frightens small children and animals."

I don't recall the context, but she's not wrong.

UIM: "Now, sweetie, what's your default reaction?"
Frage: "Please don't use my default reaction to 99 percent of the crap that comes out of your mouth."

Seriously, Stephen King writes novellas about trips like that.

(On the way back home from a funeral near St. Louis.)
(After a certain point, UIM gets tired of the GPS throwing out weird detours for no discernable reason.)
(UIM unplugs the GPS from the 12v outlet.)
GPS: "Do you want to turn this unit off?"
(UIM clicks the switch to turn it off, and chucks it in the back seat.)
(An hour passes, and Frage takes an exit to get fuel and stretch our legs.)
GPS: "Recalculating."
Frage: Is it still talking to us?"
UIM: "Yes.  I believe it is cursed, and trying to kill us."
Frage: "That's a bit far-fetched."
UIM: (dry) "Yeah. I'm breaking character."

Heh heh heh.

UIM: "I love you."
Frage: "I love you too. We just said that. That's twice in one minute."
UIM: "Yeah, but I was 2 hours late, so I have to say it more often, so that it averages out."
Frage: "So, what: whenever I wake up, you're going to say it, just to keep your average going?"
UIM: "Well, whenever you wake up..."
(Pause.)
(UIM grins evilly.)
UIM: "...before you put on your makeup...  I say a little prayer for you."
Frage: "Get out."
(UIM leaves the room, chuckling.)
(A minute passes.)
Frage: (calling out) "Now I have Julia Roberts in my head, damn you..."

#ThisDidn'tActuallyHappen

A: “What’s he doing?”
B: “Apparently, attempting ritual belly-cutting via a frozen ice cream snack.”

#ThisDidntActuallyHappen

“He’s at his desk, holding a can of Coke Zero to his chest, rocking back and forth, and whimpering softly.”

#ThisDidntActuallyHappen

“He’s updating all his work tickets with the lyrics to Ozzy’s ‘Suicide Solution’, and all his document links are to the Jack Daniels website, so maybe it’s time for an intervention.”

work discussions: we are so metal‏

(Installing and configuring local code repository.)

Boss: “Well, we’ve gone as far as we can with these instructions, and now we’re following our own track.”

Me: “I’m sorry, but I hear that as ‘We’re rolling off the rails on a crazy train.’ “

Boss: “Somewhat true.”

(Later)

Boss: “I’m not entirely sure this will work.  So, hold my breath.”

Me: (singing) “As I wish for death.”

Just So You Know

I will probably arrange to have bagpipers at my funeral.

However, they will only play “It’s a Long Way to the Top (If You Wanna Rock n Roll)”

My Poor Boss, Part 2

Boss: “We have to report what our goals for 2015 are, and before I send anything upstairs, I want to make sure that I include anything you think we need to do.  Have you any suggestions?”

UIM: “Conquer Belgium.”

(Pause).

UIM: “It’s got to be easier than convincing our vendor to change things we don’t like.”

Boss: “And have you asked the Belgians how the feel about this?”

Colleague: “Well, Belgian society has a great deal of tension between the Walloons and the Flemish, so you really wouldn’t get widespread support, anyway.”

Can't even come up with a pithy subject line for this one.‏

(A colleague walks past me really early in the shift.)
Colleague: “UIM.”
(UIM takes off his headphones.)
Colleague: “There’s some chocolate cake in the kitchen. You can have some for breakfast.”
(Sad pause.)
UIM: “Man, I’m not actually comfortable quoting Cosby routines now. It’s like I wasted my entire childhood listening to the same 8 albums.”

Status update: ... aaaand the summmer was gone, like that.

Between prepping for family visits, and dealing with the new and interesting ways my body chose to betray me, the summer went by in a snap of the fingers.

I have found that brushing the cranky older female cat makes her seem to like me a little more, although it doesn't convince her she shouldn't pick random moments through the night to start meowing at nothing.

Eh.  It was worth a shot.

Gel-Foam-ah's Witness‏

“Hello. I wanted to talk with you about accepting the power of NERF in your life.”

Vrooom

So, yeah, going through certain groups of toys, and getting rid of a majority of them.

(Frage stumbles out into the living room to see UIM awash in a sea of Hot Wheels cars, Speed Wheels cars, Matchbox Cars, and larger-size die-cast.)
Frage: “It’s 10:30.  I thought you said you were going to bed early.”
UIM: “I know, but I felt the need to go through this.  Most of this is going.” 

(Pause)

UIM: “Pay no attention to the pile of Camaros on the couch.”

Bumper Sticker on a Chariot in Spain.

“If it wasn’t for us Romans, you’d all be speaking P-Celtic.”

#RepressedAnger, #RepressedSarcasm, #INeedToStayEmployed

Developer: "I can undo the code with the memory leak, but that would add back the deadlock problem."
Boss: "I do not endorse adding back deadlocks."
UIM: (thinks) "Can we also make sure we stop adding Grimlocks?"

My Poor Boss

(My boss stops by my desk to assign me a project.)
UIM: “Ok, I’ll work on that. How are you otherwise?”
Boss: “I am doing well. How are you?”
UIM: “Ticking along like a Timex strapped to the horn of a rhino, while John…” (pause) “..who was that newscaster who did those sorts of Timex commercials in the 50s? Anyway, ticking along like that.”
Boss: (that look) “I… I… I haven’t thought about those commercials… in decades..” (starts to get up from the chair)
UIM: “No one has had a sane reason to.” (mutters to self) “John… Cam…. Cameron….”
(My boss stands, and makes the turn around my cubicle to go back to his.)
UIM: “John Cameron Swayze. That’s it.”
(My boss stops briefly, intensifies the weird look, and shakes his head.)
(I dissolve into cackles and giggles while my boss walks back to his own cubicle.)

Quick status update.

Things are going well enough.

Weather is nice in bursts, so I've again started making lunch dates with cow-orkers whom I've known and liked for years.

Frage and I are straightening up the home a little each night.

I've been throwing a few more gags and emails from the back files into this web log, in no particular pattern, but assigned to the dates I originally wrote them.

I'm not saying that I feel quite like a room without a roof, but things are okay.

#FictionalConversations

A: "So, how's the relationship going?"

B: "Well, his depression seems to be kicking into overdrive."

A: "How so?"

B: "When I write him a 'good morning' e-mail now, his response is 'Nos morituri te salutamus'."

A: "So, you're gonna spike his morning soda with Lexapro, I guess?"

Why UIM is not a rapper. (#001)

"If you're having girl problems
I feel bad for you, son.
I got 99 problems, but
a female love interest with significantly different goals and bad communication skills
is not one."

Those who opppose his mighty shield must mope.

I saw Captain America: The Winter Soldier with my cousin on the weekend that the film opened.

I really liked that movie, but I did have one giggle fit during the final showdown between Cap and the Winter Soldier.

Whenever I saw Sebastian Stan in this movie, with his hair grown out, I kept thinking, "He looks like a member of My Chemical Romance."

So, in the final fight, as Cap pleads with Winter Soldier to stop fighting him, the WS keeps screaming "No!" and throwing things at Cap.

And I'm stifling the giggles and I'm thinking, "Emo Action Sequences!"

As I watched my mother dye sweaters by hand...

Normally, I don't do silly lyrics to Metallica songs, because some things should remain sacred.

While Frage was up visiting her dad a couple weeks ago, though, I found myself wandering around home, mangling the Metallica cover of "Am I Evil?"

"My mother loves to knit
Blankets miles wide.
She's been nearly squashed to bits
By all the yarn she buys."

I'd share this with my knitting-addicted mother, but given that she's never going to be familiar with the heavy metal genre, it really won't resonate with her.

Editor's note

From this point on, my fiancee will be referred to with the alias "Frage"

#RepressedSarcasm

"Go string your violin, Sherlock."

Passing comments, realizations, and empathy for others.

(One Sunday morning, at breakfast with my cousin, `Backer, killing time before the movie we went to see.)
UIM: "I accept that we come from the 'hold my beer and watch this' demographic.' "

#RepressedSarcasm

"It might even be boombastic.  I'm not sure.  I haven't checked the error log yet."

Trips Down Memory Sewer: "Blasted kids. Where's the whiskey?"

Back at the start of 1996, New Year's weekend, I was up in Connecticut at Purge's condo with the hometown posse, and amongst the nerdery was a session of the Star Wars role-playing game.

I no longer recall whether I chose this template for my character, or I was awarded it by popular demand.

http://d6holocron.com/wiki/index.php?title=Failed_Jedi_(Template)

All I know is I failed every roll I made, and wound up tied to a medical table on a smuggling ship (owned and piloted by Metrocake's character), being tortured by a demented Ewok (played by Tempest's best friend) while Doc was failing every roll as a protocol droid trying to help me get away from the demented Ewok.

"The dark side kept calling, and things never worked quite the way you wanted them to."

Good times.  Good times.

#FictionalConversations and #RepressedSarcasm

A: "What dreadful threat will next menace our stalwart heroes?"
B: "Futons."

#RepressedSarcasm

"You are the polar opposite of fergalicous."

#EnthusiasticNonsense

"It's the futhark era, funked up with a Viking twist."

#RepressedAnger

"Your insanity inspires people to punch your mother."

BOLO: A couple in their forties, being weird near the milk products...

(UIM and Frage are standing in the dairy aisle at Target.)
(Behind them, another customer is on the phone relating the various berry flavors of yogurt which are available.)
Frage: "Well, they don't have the brands I want."
UIM: "I just hope they have snozberry flavor."
Frage: (pats UIM on the shoulder) "Maybe someday they will have it for you."
(Frage leans in close.)
Frage: "Or maybe they'll have dingleberry flavor for you."
(Frage and UIM crack up laughing.)
UIM: "Ew.  Tastes like a Tea Party screed."
(Frage and UIM crack up laughing harder, gasping for air.)
UIM: " ' There's this weird couple, walks into various Targets, and stands around laughing in the dairy aisle.'  I don't want to be on a Target corporate Wanted poster."

Maybe we've got a motto there. Let's translate it into Latin and stick it under a shield.

UIM: "Well, I'm sorry I pushed the joke too far."
Frage: "No, you be you, honey."
UIM: "Awwww."
Frage: "And suffer the consequences."
UIM: "Grrrr."

Nothing you can do sometimes, because MFBC

(While in a cab on the way to work one morning, thanks to Metra trains running way behind, we discussed certain untrustworthy processes at my workplace.)
Frage: "I argued that, on the business end, but I'm sorry I couldn't stop the insanity."
UIM: "You couldn't have stopped the insanity, because no one is going to listen to the sane.  You could only have stopped it with worse insanity, because Motherf^{kers Be Crazy."
(Pause.)
UIM: " ' Hey, why do UIM and Frage have matching tattoos of MFBC on their clavicles?'  'Because Motherf^{kers Be Crazy.' "
Frage: "We might have to use it as the monogram on our wedding invitations."

That's the sound of the man working in the data gang.

(On Take Your Children to Work Day, my boss had to run a small stock-trading simulation game with the kids.)
(He spent a few minutes prepping me and my colleague for our parts.)
My boss: "If it all goes off the rails, I may have to ask you gentlemen to describe your jobs in 30 seconds."
Me: "Uh, boss?  What is my job description?"
(Pause, as my boss of 8 years stares at me exactly how you imagine he would.)
Me: "Because I've never successfully explained my job in 30 seconds.  Or without profanity."

We don't let him plan things. It's for everybody's safety.

(Frage comes through the living room as UIM watches music videos on demand.)
UIM: "Hey, sweetie, what do you think about this as your entrance music at the wedding?"
(UIM presses play, and Ludacris appears on tv.)
Ludacris: "My chick bad, my chick hood.  My chick do stuff your chick wish she could."
Frage: "I'd be worried and offended if I believed you were serious."

So much drama in Cook County.

We're getting ready for a car trip up to her dad's.  I'm coming back down to the city that evening to return the rental car.
Her: "So, what are your plans for the rest of the weekend?"
Me: "Oh, you know." (Pause.) "Rollin' down the street; smokin' indo; sippin' on gin and juice."
Her: "Make sure you take the cats with you.  April-kitty does love her gin and juice."

East Coast-West Coast strife

We're watching the music video for "Happy", by Pharrell Willliams.
Her: "Hey, it's MJ."
Me: "No, that's not Michael Jordan, that's Magic -" (pause) "oh."
Her: "Yeah, hello, Lakers' girl here."
Me: "I had wondered about all those purple and gold shorts you have."

Security through obscenity?

(We were listening to the radio show, "Wait Wait Don't Tell Me", as Paula Poundstone goes on a mini-rant about passwords.)
Paula Poundstone: "I cannot come up with any more passwords.  It's why I have 16 cats."
Her: "So, Useless Information Man, is that why you know so many porn performer names?"
Me: "I assure you, when I started down that road of depravity in fall of 1987, computer security was not one of my concerns."

We'll never stop; we'll never quit; cause we're wed-allica.

(Discussing songs for the wedding)
Her: "You know, I do want to include songs that mean something to you.  You can have a Metallica song in there."
Me: "They only have one love song, 'Nothing Else Matters', and I don't like it much, and two of my friends had it at their weddings, anyway."

#ThisDidntActuallyHappen

"I'll quote my dad's Ballsac Droop rule - the more time you spend hanging around an a$$#0le, the more likely folks will have to tell you that you stink."

#FictionalConversations

A; "When she finishes my sentences, I call her 'Psi-Judge Anderson'. This annoys her enough to stop talking to me for a few hours."
B: "Promise me you won't ever write any relationship books."

#RepressedAnger

"Retreat, thou cackling dunghen!"

#ThisDidntActuallyHappen,

"He has openly declared that all lottery winnings will be spent in dimly-lit neon-accented rooms with flimsily-dressed bottle blondes."

#FictionalConversations

A: "So, what you been up to?"
B: "Dreaming of vigilante justice."
(Pause)
A: "Are you the terror that flaps in the night?"

#RepressedAnger

"The evil that developers write lives on and  must be maintained."

#FictionalConversations AND #RepressedAnger

A: "And we'll make a lovely dress for Cinderelly."
B: "Shut up and hand me some cheese."

#EnthusiasticNonsense

"It is time to establish our funk hegemony."

#RepressedAnger

"Fun is only a pneumatic drill rental away."

#FictionalConversations

A: "So, I was working my mojo on her -"
B: "You don't have a mojo.  You might have a mojito."
C: "I thought we sprayed for mojitos."
B: "No, but we did plant a Squeamish Vibe-Trap."

#RepressedSarcasm

"Shiny happy people eating paint."

I always assume everyone thinks this, in response to anything I say.

"And why should I listen to the depressed scribbling guy hunched in the corner?"

#EnthusiasticNonsense

"What up, essayist?"

And sometimes, in a meeting, the sarcasm goes unrepressed.

“I’m not sure that the guy who is five minutes late to every meeting should be the guy enforcing standards.”

This could yield another useful acronym.

A phrase I heard quoted from a British police report:

"... drink-related anti-social behavior ..."

DRASB.

I think this acronym should show up in most of the posts on Texts from Last Night.

"Was I quiet when I blacked out, or full-on DRASB?"
"You DRASBed up the place, broheim."

#ThisDidntActuallyHappen

"He's no longer allowed to utter the words 'groove', 'funk', 'thang', 'bling', 'booty', 'mojo', 'boo-ya', or 'sesquipedalian'.  We are allowed to enforce this ban with fair-to-middling prejudice "

#FictionalConversations

A: "Well, you can't, you won't, and you don't stop."
B: "Try task manager."

#RepressedSarcasm

"Sales promotions?  That's what Tiggers do best!"

#RepressedAnger

"Our crash detection system is an unwilling bystander strapped to our hood."

#RepressedSarcasm

"The closest he gets to 'warm fuzzies' is 'asbestos'. "

#RepressedAnger

"Nobody trusts your groove thang."

If you have a problem, if no one else can help, and if you can find them, maybe you can hire....

"I deeply enjoy it when a blueprint is properly executed."
....
"He's on the free-form extemporaneous improvisation."
...
"I feel deep sorrow for the weak-minded individual."

#RepressedAnger

"Bring me the epiglotti of the fools who assail me!"

from the back files, 2010 - discussions after a comic convention.

One of my work colleagues was asking me about C2E2, and then opining that as the father of a small daughter himself, taking pictures of the cosplayers was even more fraught with peril.
At which point I wrote the following fictional conversation....

Her: “A-HEM.”
Him: “Yeah, hon?”
Her: “Who are all these women on your digital camera?”
Him: “It’s not just women. There’s pictures of the Batmobile and the Delorean, too. And this is the 501rst Legion. And there’s Jack Sparrow.”
Her: “Captain Jack Sparrow.”
Him: “Right, hon.”
Her: “And why is SHE holding our daughter?”
Him: “Well, it’s a thematic thing, hon. Our daughter is wearing a Supergirl costume, and that woman is dressed up like Power Girl, who is actually Supergirl’s Earth-Two version…”
Her: “You mean someone designed that top deliberately for a superhero? And published it?”
Him: “A bunch of dirty old men in the 70’s. I believe.”
Her: “And this poster you bought?” (http://www.dccomics.com/dcdirect/?dcd=11401 )
Him: “Adam Hughes draws really well, and he signed it for her right here.”
Her: “And you think it’s going up in our daughter’s room?”
Him: “These are all positive role models – well, okay, except for Catwoman, Harley Quinn and Poison Ivy…”
Her: “You’re sleeping on the couch this week.”

#RepressedSarcasm

"Well, I'm looking at the man in the mirror, asking him to change his ways. He's just telling me to f^{k off.."